Tales stranger that fiction

Durckheim. What can I say. So many subtle insights.  magnificient when he talks about 
search not being finding a place where phew! finally ! there is eternal rest. He talks about
search not being something that you use to "calm" yourself.
So the search is to find an inner space using which we can dive into life. Experience the pain and the joys in a manner that is free from fear, anxiety and all the other emotions that we want to avoid. This means freedom from the grasp of the artificial personality, that's grasping hard to maintain itself intact by making you avoid all the unpleasantness. And as you have the courage to experience that by opening to all the things we have been trying to avoid all the time, its not as disastrous as we thought..in fact the very opposite of having a sense of freedom..from one more shakle that limited us. its the courage to then use the experience of this freedom to take more steps till one realises the "fictionality" of the ego. THis then allows us to truly align to what the Universe got us into the universe in the first place. Our job as human beings actually only begins then. It must be a great moment to experience in a true sense the discovery of the fictionality of the ego. And it amazes me that as i write this, I still cannot see the fictionality of the ego. There is an image
and a personality that is writing this. Still caught in the personality. While knowing that true action is that which is aligned to the will of the universe, continues action that comes from a small source like the ego. Still knowing that the voice from inside can be heard if one listens quietly and without movement, continues to hear bedlam from the personality and acts on it. Such is the human tragedy. We continue operating this body and in the universe, without knowing a thing about this machine or about ourselves. Like idiots. Maybe this is what they should have taught us in school?

Mix n Match

The mix. That's what this looks like. Apparently we are only pure awareness. Somewhere along the way the pure awareness gets mixed up with the body. Now the awareness cannot un-engtangle itself from the body. And then lives the life of the body- with its pain and its limitation. Builds an innner image based on the body and converts its, as is said infinite existence, to a finite existence. For me personally, the biggest issue with this mix-up is death. The finite self, the body and the mind which is the product of the body is made of food and of the planetary elements and have to die. The pure awareness does not die - so, we, the pure awareness supposedly immortal, losing sleep over death! So how do we un-entangle ?
The Masters talk about going back from where we came. Nisarga talks about "birth" - what is being born mean? is it the day we got identified with the body ..somewhere in our childhood? were we pure awareness before that? say when we were born..just existing ? so how can we exist ..now ? Maybe witnessing ..because witnessing allows for separation. It seems witnessing is the key - but remembering to witness and having the strength to witness and not react is a challenge. This would mean buidling an energy pool - so that whole sadhana is about building that energy pool that allows witnessing and then slowly the un-enganglement.
There is still the question of who is doing all this...and therefore is there need for effort or will it happen all by itself..when the time is right..now, I wonder if that is a real question. If one is not satisfied with life and its see saw of joy and sorrow..or even the concept of death..then it doesnt matter ..a way has to be found out of this.