I can see that I am forgetting my aims, my practices. Days are passing by. I dont see the terror of my existence. I seek shortcuts. God please help me.
I go back to getting the taste of my personality in interraction with others. This means sensing the impression of faces and people around me.
Then hear the sound of my voice as I speak.
Then speak consciously. Awareness and sensation on the throat.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Wings in the Coffin
In the dead of night, a Sufi began to weep.
He said, "This world is like a closed coffin, in which
We are shut and in which, through our ignorance,
We spend our lives in folly and desolation.
When Death comes to open the lid of the coffin,
Each one who has wings will fly off to Eternity,
But those without will remain locked in the coffin.
So, my friends, before the lid of this coffin is taken off,
Do all you can to become a bird of the Way to God;
Do all you can to develop your wings and your feathers."
(Farid ud Din Attar, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert' )
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Status Feb 10th
It has been about 14 days - 2 weeks after the Work period. I can see that my initial momentum in terms of speaking consciously and hearing my self speak is dying down. But It is better than before the work period. I probably have another few days to etch this inside my consciousness permanently before it dies out. And to listen to my Voice as i spoke.
Today in the reading of Beelzebub I could intermittently listen to my voice as I read from the text. I could sense that Im using this body as a musical instrument like a flute or a saxophone. Im reading "thru" this body. And then as though this body is a magic machine, where it recognizes text and converts them to voice.
As I speak I must continue to remember the role of my body. And my right engagement with it.
Pursue the Truth.
Today in the reading of Beelzebub I could intermittently listen to my voice as I read from the text. I could sense that Im using this body as a musical instrument like a flute or a saxophone. Im reading "thru" this body. And then as though this body is a magic machine, where it recognizes text and converts them to voice.
As I speak I must continue to remember the role of my body. And my right engagement with it.
Pursue the Truth.
Monday, February 04, 2008
on lease
Ive been such a fool. The body belongs to the planet. Is run and governed by the nature that runs that planet. And to think that I owned and governed it ! The planet breathes it. Manages and controls every cell. I don’t know dick about this body. And then it comes – like it did last night and pulled out all the sexual vitality from me, as I was asleep.
It is like I was living in a house that I thot was mine. I didn’t know a damn thing about the house. Where it came from and who built the house. Maybe I know a little- where the switches are maybe..i figured out how to use some of the appliances. I just found myself living in the house. I find the house getting cleaned, laundry done, rent paid – and I never even wondered how it was getting done.
It was all staring at my face and im so stupid that I didn’t realize that I just didn’t own the house..didnt run it. Some one else owned the house. He ran it. I just happened to be there. Don’t know from where I came. And where I need to go from this house.
The owner is damn sweet. Did everything very quietly and silently as though I would get embarrassed if I found out that I was just a trespasser. So much compassion and understanding.
But today morning, when I realized that someone had entered the house and extracted from the house, what I thought was my body, the sexual fluids which I thought I had kept under my lock and key, I realized that I don’t hold any key. The key is of the owner. I imagined I had a key. The house is not mine. Now everything falls into place. My breathing. My body functions. Nothing is being done by me. The house is being managed without me.
I need to now leave. Im so embarrassed but Im grateful to have found this. I have to find my own house. I have to open the door and step out. Stop looking at this house from the outside and longingly try beautifying i
Personality
There is now a task of watching the personality as it comes up when I speak.
Mme De Salzmann says “We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.”
She then says towards the end-“ They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences”
Now again Mme De Salzmann also says “ Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the “other”.
Can I sense this when I speak to people. See them as they see me as the other? This may be a powerful exercise.
God pls help me.
Mme De Salzman - (These are words from another level altogether!)
1950 – Mme De Salzmann
Why can we not digest impressions? What could this mean? Where do our impressions fall? Never on our essence. The personality always reacts, functioning like a wall from where the impressions rebound. This is the kundabuffer-a wall between the outer world and reality. Personality steals the food of the inner child.
We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.
You do not understand the relationship among yourselves because you do not understand the relationship with your work. The relationship among yourselves are a little better now than in the past years, but then it could not have been any worse. You have to remember your relationship with your aim. Try to stop when reacting mechanically and remember a place inside yourself, the place of the ideal and the aim. Then again there can be a relationship between you and your aims and ideals. Then you will eat differently, you will walk differently. More passions is needed. You have to remember yourself more often. When you are in a right relationship with your aim, only then could you be in a right relationship with each other. The way you are now you cannot work together.
“Why am I here?” There are two possible answers. “Well, I cam here because it was oferred.? The other deeper, reason is my search and my relationship to this work. Finally, I do not know who is it that came. I do not know the one that came.
When I understand this then I can begin to understand the meaning of my being here. I am here to get to know myself, and all the circumstances in which I find myself are a help for this purpose. From then on I take everything differently. I discover that I am not alone. And I begin to understand that I am fortunate to have an opportunity to get to know myself through my relationship with others.
If I am here, I know well that it is, first of all because it was offered to me, and this serves an inner need which has been partially discovered. But starting from this, what could have I offered to myself? What could be my deepest reason for coming here? What am I searching for? New impressions. What kind and for what purpose? This I did not know. And I needed help to find in myself the echo of a deeper and more real reason. And to find the thirst for the question Who am I? –everywhere and under all circumstances- and to recognize the impossibility of discovering this by myself. Alone, that is not possible. My trying becomes automatic, my effort quickly gets lost in lies, my understanding becomes dull if it is not vivified by an influence whose materiality is finer.
Under these circumstances there is a searcher’s group around a center, which is more alive and meaningful. A group are the other. What it mean the others? What are these others representing to me? What am I expecting from them? Is it enough just to tolerate them? Not possible to avoid their presence?
But these ‘others’ first of all are like me. Yes, they are my neighbours. And not only because they have two eyes, one nose,two ears, and generally because they look and behave like me. But besides the feeling of belonging to the same species, there is a unity of search, of interest and its direction with most members of my group. This cannot escape my attention.
They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences.
Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the other. Until this touches me, a large part of my search is closed off from me. I am the other for him. And to myself also am I not sometimes an other? A stranger. Sometimes, I can even see that this unknown being, this stranger, is much more I than I take myself to be all day.
Why can we not digest impressions? What could this mean? Where do our impressions fall? Never on our essence. The personality always reacts, functioning like a wall from where the impressions rebound. This is the kundabuffer-a wall between the outer world and reality. Personality steals the food of the inner child.
We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.
You do not understand the relationship among yourselves because you do not understand the relationship with your work. The relationship among yourselves are a little better now than in the past years, but then it could not have been any worse. You have to remember your relationship with your aim. Try to stop when reacting mechanically and remember a place inside yourself, the place of the ideal and the aim. Then again there can be a relationship between you and your aims and ideals. Then you will eat differently, you will walk differently. More passions is needed. You have to remember yourself more often. When you are in a right relationship with your aim, only then could you be in a right relationship with each other. The way you are now you cannot work together.
“Why am I here?” There are two possible answers. “Well, I cam here because it was oferred.? The other deeper, reason is my search and my relationship to this work. Finally, I do not know who is it that came. I do not know the one that came.
When I understand this then I can begin to understand the meaning of my being here. I am here to get to know myself, and all the circumstances in which I find myself are a help for this purpose. From then on I take everything differently. I discover that I am not alone. And I begin to understand that I am fortunate to have an opportunity to get to know myself through my relationship with others.
If I am here, I know well that it is, first of all because it was offered to me, and this serves an inner need which has been partially discovered. But starting from this, what could have I offered to myself? What could be my deepest reason for coming here? What am I searching for? New impressions. What kind and for what purpose? This I did not know. And I needed help to find in myself the echo of a deeper and more real reason. And to find the thirst for the question Who am I? –everywhere and under all circumstances- and to recognize the impossibility of discovering this by myself. Alone, that is not possible. My trying becomes automatic, my effort quickly gets lost in lies, my understanding becomes dull if it is not vivified by an influence whose materiality is finer.
Under these circumstances there is a searcher’s group around a center, which is more alive and meaningful. A group are the other. What it mean the others? What are these others representing to me? What am I expecting from them? Is it enough just to tolerate them? Not possible to avoid their presence?
But these ‘others’ first of all are like me. Yes, they are my neighbours. And not only because they have two eyes, one nose,two ears, and generally because they look and behave like me. But besides the feeling of belonging to the same species, there is a unity of search, of interest and its direction with most members of my group. This cannot escape my attention.
They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences.
Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the other. Until this touches me, a large part of my search is closed off from me. I am the other for him. And to myself also am I not sometimes an other? A stranger. Sometimes, I can even see that this unknown being, this stranger, is much more I than I take myself to be all day.
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