Waiting

How does one have a complete sense of surrender? Leave everything to the Universe? Especially since people involved in certain situation are dependent on you? Your employees, family? When is waiting the right action?

Quote by Nisargadutta

" There is only Life. There is nobody who lives a life"

Body and I

It appeared during the yoga class yesterday..and as I type now, that the body follows instructions from me. Its like driving a car. Since I dont see clearly the 'hand-off' point of the instructor (me) and the body's receiving of it in its 'receiving centre', I think Im the body. It seems to be a very subtle communication. There is something in the consciousness(me) that has a 'wire' into this body. It appears that Im the "Will" but the body can be disobedient and refuse compliance.That is when this difference gets blurred because "I" gets identified with the body. So long as the body is given instructions to do what 'it' likes, there seem no issue to separate "I" and 'the body'.

I need to continue to recognise and believe that Im not just the body only the driver of the car.

Notes on meeting with Prof Seshan in Bangalore

1. Again now, again now. Only present moment.
2. All events coming in my life is a way of universe communicating to me. If my response is right then the universe will communicate correctly and things will start changing.
3. I have to take responsibility for everything happening to me.
4. Discipline in everything. Eat half a stomach full always. Sex leave it to nature.
5. Attitude: Ah now I have relief that I don’t have to blame others for everything.
6. If one has a deep wish and will to be mindful always it will happen. That is the only thing required.

Lighter journey

The attitude to the search seems to be the key. How can i let this journey be natural..like the natural ripening of a fruit. let this happen. unbud.

how can "suffering" be approached from an attitude of joyousness instead of something very tragic and hinting of martyrdom? Nature made sex fun. No one would procreate if it was all hard work.

So there must be a way for the search to the way towards inner life to be fun..if indeed its in line with nature's plan of action..

Bangalore Work Weekend

John said the theme is " as I am". So how is it going to be not in a 'work mode'? how is it that i can be as I am and yet keep an attention inside to watch these personalities at work? or see where the edges of my personalities as i am in real life and truly learn how to be 'as i am' in life but never consider internally? what are my roles in life ? what are the times when these roles contradict each other and thereby create a personality crisis if happened simultaneously? can see my masks of each roles?

In-Out

"What we say aloud is my personality. What we say inward is our essence. Now can we say aloud what we say inward and say inward what we say aloud?" - Orage.

Till the Work Period

Found my Partkdolg Duty from now to the Work period. May god give me strength. Let this be not 'my' work but what is needed to be done thru me. Let the inner lovemaking commence. replacing all else. the denying source holds the key. So the inner child can be born.

To sing along

It appears to me that the world runs in a manner that is quite fascinating. The initial impulse of action seem to come from us – and this impulse is based on our wishes, ambitions, fears, desires, self importance. Then there appears to be a will of the Universe, a definite plan by which there is a design being sought to be put into fruition. The universe seems to use the initial impulse of our personal action and then controls it towards what it wants to finally achieve.
At our personal levels these appear to be successes or failures, happiness or sadness, achievements and disappointments. But in a larger scale these probably are only the execution elements of the Universal plan. Like say we want to build a dam and then channels to guide the waters to the various villages and then the fields within those villages. If the river had dreams of its own to travel to other villages or other fields, these would be termed as disappointments. We would have a sad river who had wishes of its own but kept getting barriers and over time it changed course to avoid the barriers so it could continue on its own personal path. At our level we just executed an architect's plan of a dam. But if the river’s personal wishes were exactly coinciding with our plans, then of course the river would be contented and happy.

The secret seems then to be, to kind of read the language of where the Universe is nudging us to do its will and pretty much go there. So what happens to personal wishes? They are real..feel real.

On the other hand the question is, why do we have this dichotomy? Why were’nt we programmed such that our wishes were only that the Universe wished us to have ? I guess like the mango tree that grows mangoes or the tiger that hunts and kills. Therein I think lies the mystery and privilege of a human life. We have an option of a small choice. Why is that given to us?


…My heart longs to join in thy song,
But vainly struggles for a voice’
I would speak, but
Speech breaks not into song,
And I cry out baffled….
-Tagore

Balance Sheet

It is interesting to read that the vivifyingness of the vibrations of the energy from food happens only after it crosses the note "Sol". Sol as per Gurdjieff is in the Cerebellum. The Do is in the Stomach, Re is in the Duodenum, Mi in the Liver, Fa in the hemispheres of the head-brain and Sol in the Cerebellum. Then interesingly La it seems "passes thru the nerve nodes of the spine and the breast to form the sperm in men and eggs in the ovaries.

Sol in Cerebellum is interesting. It is the point where the body balances. And balancing is a continuous activity. Almost like the Buddha's middle path. Or like Gurdjieff have been to have remarked ..its easier to go either extreme. Total silence or total fasting. Attention is needed when we speak only what is needed and eat only what is needed for example. This requires our active participation. This the the Sol.
So then what is my Sol with respect to my relationships? What is asked of me? what is the balance I seek? is it the balance between love and attachment ?

Watcher

It now seems that the only task is to watch. Watching seems to be the only responsibility. It appears that the duration and the quality of watching is a function of the amount of energy one accumulates. Hence Sadhana. To create more energy and to reduce energy leakage.

S1 12 and being Exioehary from Beelzebub

Beelzebub calls Si12 being Exioehary. And then he talks about abstinence and the results thereon.
Page 807
"The result of these serious pnderings of theirs was that the conviction at first arose in them that this self perfection could probably be actualised by itself by ejection from oneself in the customary manner these substances formed in them called sperm....

..and it was only the second generation of them who ultimately, after long conscious observation and intensive active mentations, categorically understood that this was indeed possible, exclusively on the condition of a ceaseless fulfillment of Partkdolg-duty..

and he goes on saying that monks who abstain but does not perform their conscious labours and intentional suffering either go fat or go very thin.
Mme De salzmann says about energy."...if its not taken by the higher, its taken by the lower." And this can mean all kinds of imagination, restless of the body and so on.
Unconscious and involuntary process of the Exioehary indeed is disatrous and dangerous.

Language of the Universe

Chosing the right action,, it appears is about trying to learn the language of the universe. The only way to learn it, it appears is through trial and error. Krishnamurti says that only when we watch our thoughts arise can we truly be free of the control, of mechanicality, of past templates of action based on reactions.
So what is right action? The action that the Universe wishes to get done through me? And how do I sense where this urge/impulse is coming from? On one hand there is the pull of the ego, and all actions designed to preserve the personality and on the other hand the urges coming from the Universe? How do I understand this language of the urges?

How do I see things with more and more impartiality? Maybe use mediums of perception that cannot be manipulated and corrupted by the mind? Like the sensation of the body and feelings?

On Losing Control

J Krishnamurti..

"One must inquire into the whole problem of control. Most of us try to control our responses our reactions; we try to suppress or to shape our desires.....So can you live a life without single control? - which does not mean induldging in whatever you want. Please put a question to yourself: can you live a life - which is at present so disastrous, so mechanical so repetitive - without a single sense of control? This can only happen when you perceive with complete clarity; when you give your attention to every thought that arises-not just indulge in thought.

When you give such complete attention then you will find out that you can live without the the conflict that arises from control.

What am I the food of ?

It is interesting to read about what Gurdjieff had to speak about classification of consciousness based on firstly what a creature eats, secondly by what it breathes and finally by the medium he breathes.

Man feeds on H768 (food), breathes H192(air), and lives in H192(air). A worm feeds on H1536 ( say coarse flour..coarser than say the rotis we eat), breathes H192(air) and lives in H1536.
A fish feeds on H1536, breathes H192 and lives in H 384(water).
A tree feeds on H 1536, breathes partly H96/partly H192 and lives in H3072(soil).

Humans cannot directly eat H1536 which worms or lamb or fish can.
Therefore it is possible to say that the intelligence of a matter is determined by the creature for whom it can serve as food. Therefore for eg..a baked potato has more intelligence than a raw potato?

So how do i become food of the gods? How do I bake well so the gods eat me?

Man's food is H 768. This he cannot change. He breathes H192. This he cannot change. But what is can improve is in intake of "impressions" and this way intake finer impressions into his organism. A man is not obliged to take in the dull impressions of H48. He can have H24, H12, H6 and even H3. This changes the whole picture..for those who produce and feed their factory finer hydrogens..will be different from those who feed their machine will less finer hydrogens..

and so the more i bake, the more i would take in nourishment from finer and finer hydrogens..and feed the gods..?

"I am food, I am food, I am food! I am the eater of food, I am the eater of food, I am the eater of food! I am the uniter, I am the uniter, I am the uniter" - Taitriya Upanishad.

Sacrificing suffering

...quote from Ouspensky as told to him by G. "Another thing the people must sacrifice is their suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will never give up his suffering...."

what does that mean...to sacrifice one's suffering..? is it freedom from self pity? or is there anything more in this..?

why is the word sacrifice used...is there something voluntary here as opposed to running away?

Octaves and Chakras

Interesting talk by Sri sri where he talks about the emotional aspect of the energy at different chakras.

At the (Base of spine)Mooladhara - the energy manifests as either activity or passivity.

At (perinium) Swadishtana - it takes on the manifestation of sexual sensations

At (Navel) Manipura - it manifests as Jealousy or Generosity

At (Heart) Anahata - it manifests as Love or hate

At (THroat) Vishudhi - it manifests as Gratitude or Sadness (catch in the throat?)

At (eyebrow centre) Ajna - it manifests as Awareness or Anger

At (top of the head/fonataine) Sahasrara - its pure joy.

It is amazing to see that in each chakra we can see the manifestation of the descending the ascending octaves -one with a lower emotion and the other with a higher..and the sex centre is even more interesting. seems to be an intersection point.

Who is?

Kabir says O Sadhu! God is the breath of all breath.

Who is breathing..?

Who is watching..?


Is attention the tongue on which we taste all experiences?

Food Factory - THanx to Anu

Ignore button

I seem to have an ignore button..whose job is to quickly sweep under the carpet any impression falling on my. When I caught the bastard in the act, it was amazing. There is a constant stream of impressions coming to me..be it the impression of a stranger or the impression of a planeful of people as I enter an aircraft..or inward shrinking to avoid touching people in a crowd. And for a millisecond i experience it. VEry clearly. And then before it gets registered into me consciously, the Ignore button appears and very clearly says "ignore this" and its gone.

And therefore my life is lived partially!

So constant vigilance..for the Ingore button

Partaking of the sensations of the body

How can I continue to get an unending stream of sense impressions from the body? How Do i remember to sense my body all the time?

Quote from Pentland "I need to come back to the work of sensation because the container is coated in me through the transformation of my energies. And this transformation cannot take place at the level of my functioning—the forms that this energy takes. As long as I’m taken by that level, there can be no transformation.

So I begin to discover through the work of sensation that I can be aware of energy and vibration before they have taken form.

And this is the first step towards that transformation by which a container could exist for my inner life, which would give me the opportunity to study the appearance of the forces that act through these energies."

Sensation exercises

Dr. Kenneth Walker

"At a very much later date the great importance of the faculty of attention in our work was again brought home to us. This was after Ouspensky's death, when some of us went over to Paris to study under G himself. G immediately taught us a number of exercises in muscle-relaxing and in what he called 'body-sensing', exercises which were and still are of greatest value to us. We were told to direct our attention in a predetermined order to various sets of muscles, for example, those of the right arm, the right leg, the left leg and so on, relaxing them more and more as we come round to them again; until we have attained what we feel to be the utmost relaxation possible for us. Whilst we were doing this we had at the same time to 'sense' that particular area of the body; in other words to become aware of it. We all know, of course, that we possess limbs, a head and a body, but in ordinary circumstances we do not feel or sense them. But with practice the attention can be thrown on to any part of the body desired, the muscles in that particular area relaxed, and sensation from that region evoked. At the word of inner command the right ear is 'sensed', then the left ear, the nose, the top of the head, the right arm, right hand and so on, until a 'sensation' tour has been made of the whole body. The exercise can, if required, be rendered still more difficult by counting backwards, by repeating strings of words or by evoking ideas at the same moment that the relaxing and sensing is being carried out.

"The question may well be asked: 'What benefit can possibly result from learning all these yogi tricks with the body?' This is not difficult to answer. There are three reasons for doing such exercises as these: the first is that it is excellent training for the attention; the second that it teaches a person how to relax; and the third that it produces a very definite inner psychic change. This change can be summed up in the statement that the exercise draws together parts of our mechanism which previously had been working disconnectedly. But external descriptions of these valuable exercises and of the results obtained from them are quite useless. They can only be understood by personal experience of them, a fact which emphasizes once again the impossibility of imparting knowledge of this kind in a book. All special exercises of this kind have to be taught by word of mouth, and, so far as I know, they have never been committed to writing.

Ouspensky's Chemical Factory

Hydrogen 12, Sex Centre and so on by Ouspensky

quotes from Page 257 ISOM - ouspensky.

What is meant by mechanicalness with respect to sex energy ?

Everything that people do is connected with sex. Politics, religion, art, theatre, music, is all sex. Do you think people go to the theatre or church to pray or to see some play? That is only for the sake of appearances. The principal thing is that theatre as well in the church is that there will be lots of women and lots of men.

Mechanicalness is especially dangerous when people try to explain it by something else and not what it really is. When sex is clearly conscious of itself and does not cover itself up anything else. ..On the contrary sex which exists by itself(without self image? fantasies?) and is not dependant on anything else is already a great achievement.

What is si 12 and its role ?

Hydrogen Si 12 is the hydrogen which represents the final product of the transformation of food in the human organism.This is the matter with which sex works. And which sex manufactures. It is the Seed and the Fruit.

What is the “dual nature” of the shock at Si 12?

Hydrogen Si 12 can pass into the Do of the next octave with the help of an additional shock. But this shock can be of a dual nature and different Octaves can begin. One outside the organism and one in the organism iself.

The union of male and female Si 12.constitutes the shock of the First kind and the new octave begins with its help and develops independently as a new life. This is the natural way the use the energy of Si 12.

But in the same organism there is a further possibility

What is the further possibility?

This is the possibility of creating a new life “Within” the organism in which the S1 12 has been manufactured, without the union of the two principles, the male and the female.
A new octave then develops within the organism not outside it. This is the birth of the Astral Body. You must understand that the astral body is born of the same material of the same matter as the physical body, only the process is different.

How is the Astral Body created?

The whole of the physical body all its cells are so to speak permeated by emanations of the matter Si12. And when they have become sufficiently saturated the matter Si12 begins to crystalise. The crystallization of this matter constitutes formation of the “Astral Body.”( is this what the tantric practices aim for?) Formation of the Astral Body is possible only in a healthy normally functioning organism.

So is complete sexual abstinence the answer?
Firstly sexual abstinence is necessary for transmutation only in certain cases that is for certain types of people.
For others it is not at all necessary.
For certain types a long and complete sexual abstinence is necessary for transmutation to begin. But once it has begun abstinence is no longer necessary.
In other cases it does not require abstinence but once begun, tansmutation takes all the sexual energy putting an end of normal sexual life or the outward expenditure of sexual energy.

So is sexual abstinence useful for Work or Not ?
It is useful if abstinence is in ALL CENTRES. If there is abstinence is in one Centre and full liberty of imagination in the others, then there could be nothing worse. Further abstinence is useful only if the man knows what to do with the energy he saves in this way. Otherwise nothing can be gained.

What is abuse of the sex centre ?
It means wrong work of the centres in relation to sex. That is action of sex centre through other centres and action of other centres through the sex centre. Or the action of the sex centre from the energy borrowed from the other centres or the action of other centres from the energy borrowed from the sex centre.

Can you explain little more?
Remember that sex centre works with Hydrogen 12. This means that it is stronger and quicker than other centres.The energy of the sex centre that is not used remains and passes on to the other centres. Finding expression for itself through them. ( As Mme De Salzman would say if its not taken by the higher it will be taken by the lower).
The energy of the sex centre in the work of the thinking, emotional and moving centre can be recognized by a particular “taste”, by a vehemence which the affair concerned does not call for.

What must be done to struggle against the “abuse of sex” ?
Right work on neself begins with the creation of a permanent centre of gravity. The role of the sex centre in creation of a permanent centre of gravity can be very BIG. According to its energy, that is to say, if it uses its own energy(meaning I think, just being conscious of it as itself and not thru another centre) the sex centre stands on a level with the higher emotional centre. This alone will indicate a comparatively high level of being. And in this case if the sex centre worked with its own energy and in its own place, all other centres could work correctly in their places and with their own energies.



Can sex be regarded as an independent centre?
It can. And if ALL THE LOWER STOREY IS TAKEN AS ONE WHOLE,THEN SEX CAN BE REGARDED AS THE NEUTRALISING PART OF THE MOVING CENTRE.

Quote

Two similar quotes :-

Man is not a note. He is a complete octave. His feet on the ground and his head in the heavens.

Now here's a quote that is so amazing " May your roots find water and the leaves the sun".

Right now

Right now, I can sense a suffering. Its closest physical aspect is a kind of a ache in the nerves. Is this like stuff given to me to purify? While I feel the ache, I dont feel the resistance or the need to escape this. I watch the ache. Then I watch the "I". And wonder. What the hell is all this? THe I quickly now does not exist. Just the ache and the awareness of the ache. Then if I disappears, then what is the focal point and the starting point of all activity? Like breathing. Who is breathing? Am I passive as I watch or is there a part of me that is also doing? What is the form of me who is the passive watcher? Am I formless? All I know is I exist..or if I is imaginary..then existence is? what the hell is all this..

EavesDropping

Can I hear my voice while speaking or reading ?

Can I overhear my thoughts while Im thinking?

-Pentland

Energy aspect of material

Lord Pentland says "Seeing is the energy aspect of material. Not the forms aspect."

How can i experience this world from the energy aspect of materials, as opposed to the form aspect?

Is this by sensation? Each time a visual - happy, sad, sensual, cruel - strikes my eye ? In addition to the forms aspect that is captured by the senses can i sense its trace on my body?

Is this also something to do with the place of my "I" ?

And then the non-visual imagery - taste of food, dreams,thoughts and so on..?

How can I now include the energy aspect of everything I experience on the material?

Wake up insights from Lord Pentland

"Seeling mechanicalness as a force".

"There are different qualities of attention."

"You need to observe your attention.."

"The wish is your only initiative"

"If a method is fixed it cant be active ".

New Direction - Guidance from Universe

I continue to get incredible support from the Universe.
Excerpt from Lord Pentland.

Question :Would you suggest that one select some aim in the morning some proper method to pursue to accomplish development of essence ?

Answer: I dont see how your question relates-making the same old good intention. What is not mechanical about what you say?....

Then a quote.. (maybe on a question of what do we work on..?)

" We study ourselves in relation to sleep and waking...."


Then..."nothing resulted in attempting too much.."

It appears that the search itself cannot be mechanical at this stage for me. Mechanical from a stand point of tasks versus achievement. Its now got to be intuitive and really to study how alive or asleep I am at all time. Yet I need an anchor frm self deception. The body can be of help. Witnessing and sensing. In a way setting it the way it is formulated also is mechanical. What is not mechanical I guess cannot be formulated.

New DIrection for my search

In a Group meeting Michel De Salzmann said that the Higher needs to act on myself. THis is more important than myself making efforts and the like, as Ouspensky emphasises.

The Latter is more exoteric, it is all right in the beginning and not later.

Ouspensky does not talk about sensations,movements or attention. So the work may become psychological.

Now something new is needed.

Receptive Attention

Rather than Active effort or

Wrong Super Effort.

In another meeting with Michel,I mentioned to him that I was thinking of writing on ahimsa, non-violation and yagna, sacrifice and exchange of energies between levels. He said that he has been much interested in NON MANIPULATIONS and how to

LET THE HIGHER HAVE AN ACTION UPON ONESELF.

This is where he feels that an emphasis on Effort, Super Effort and such can be MISLEADING.

Sacrifice of one's ego-self allows an exchange with higher levels. THis is the real issue of effort.

It cannot be spoken about but needs to be practiced in response to a conscious demand.

(-Ravi Ravindra ..Heart without Measure)

Eye for I

The lower I - that seem to be accompanied by the self image and the personality is an interesting study.

There seems to be certain energies that the physical body comes in contact with with help from the lower I.

FOr example the pleasure waves that surges inside the body when one receives attention or praise. It appears that without this lower I, sexual orgasm would be impossible. FEar too.

Then do wen need the lower or fake I to have any experience of any sort?

I feel that thankfully that there experiences that dont need the lower I - the personality. Like sensation of joy when one eats a delicious mango or a sweet, the joy of a massage, the pleasure of a perfume..

HEre there is pure sensation. I guess that is why the Work keeps a lot of focus on sensations. It appears more objective.

Between effort and letting go

It has been a week of torment. One one end, I feel my time is running out. Im not trying enough. Ive not put my life on the line for my search. And then so much clarity from Ravi-ji.

"Dying to oneself is not easy. It is dying to all my habits, accumulations and the whole of my past, dying to everything I know and have experienced. But none of this can be forced. Nor can it be undertaken with ambition as an ego project.

To some extent a deep-seated letting go is needed--almost as if I am not responsible for my life, my activities or my spiritual development.

I did not bring myself here. I could not possibly be here without the agreement, or even connivance, of the higher forces. So it is their concern and their problem. They can do with me what they wish and what they determine I need."

So this is what I need to practice. A DEEP SEATED LETTING GO. SO THE HIGHER FORCES WHO SENT ME HERE CAN DO WHAT THEY WISH TO DO WITH ME.

So then what is the RIGHT ACTION from my side ? Here Ravi-ji says.

"This is not a call to laziness or to resignation. It is much more a freedom from ego ambition. I accept myself as I am, not what I should be, and then I listen to the higher forces--which is the same as listening to deeper parts in myself--and I try to bend as they suggest.

Gradually I begin to see that dying to myself is dying to my habits of thought and feeling, to my self-importance, to my fears and to my suffering."

And then he talks about the way in which we practice this so it becomes a NEW WAY.

"Maybe I will die like a dog. Even this has to be accepted. Becoming anxious about it is not going to help. Disgust with the world or with myself and with the low-level quality of my efforts and my wiggling out or with my safety nets can impel me to work harder a little, but this does not have sufficient energy. What is needed is more and more opening to higher, and therefore more suitable and more potent, energy.

As Patañjali says in the Yoga Sutras, higher vairagya comes from a vision of Purusha; then something fundamental settles in my attitude towards the world and towards the worldly ambitions and fears in myself."

AND THEN HE SUMMARISES THE SEARCH WHICH FOR ME NOW IS A GOSPEL FOR THE FUTURE.

"We will not cease searching--sometimes with hesitation, sometimes with great impulse. Ours is only the search. We do not know whether we will reach the destination or not. We don't know what the destination is; we simply imagine it. Perhaps our imagination is based on what we have read in the scriptures or what we have heard from the sages. This imagination cannot be free of our own fears and ambitions. The fact is that we do not know. So we listen to ourselves again--and your e-mail is an expression of that listening and sharing with fellow searchers--and not lose heart; we stand up and begin our journey once again. We were brought here when the time was right, and we will be taken away when the time will be right. Then we will recommence our journey from where we will be at that time.

Ours is a journey without end. The end is either for the buddhas or for the dead stones. You and I are alive and we will persist--wondering, questioning, searching, resting periodically and then walking again."


Oh What Grace !

Rite Now

Having experienced the joy of present moment it is hard to not to want to repeat it. This happened when I landed at Hyderabad airport and suddenly there was this excitement of watching what will happen next in my life. It was like watching a reality show not knowing what next. Sometimes a face pops up, a car passes by, the cell fone rings. It was an amazing experience. I wonder why I often kill this by getting lots in thoughts.

Weight of the body

It appears that the weight of the body on my being is something that I am not conscious of. Its like a sound in the background that I have become so used to that I stop noticing it. Sensation appears to be the way to probably separate the body and the being and therefore sense the weight that the being is dragging along. It’s a different experience of sensation when one is sensing the body as a weight on the being as against sensing the body from within.

I guess this is probably what is meant by meditation. To create the internal silence so these entangled impressions can be de tangled and therefore towards a more truthful response.

Body

How does one engage with the body in the journey to understand the "I" ? In any case the body seems to be the first port of call. It seems to be the first within reach. I now feel the weight of the body. Its salty taste. Right now. Now what? Feel the difference between the "I" and this body? When will I be able to experientially break the knot of the inner imagery of being the body? Permanently? and escape death by dying before hand.

Attention

Michelle Salzmann talked about Attention being the real I. Everything else is given - the body by the planet and the mind and thoughts by society and its conditioning.

What I get in Grace I pay back in attention.

Silence is..

Some Glimmer of hope. The last week, there were a couple of moments when there was actual inner attention while speaking. Still a long way off. Still catching myself once the speech is over. But there is hope and will report here to track progress.

The Octave of the Sexual Energy

So here's a live experiment for me to sense the movement of my sexual energy Octave.

Starting point: 9th March : Orgasm
Octave : Do is the Resolve to maintain a resistance to physical release of sexual tension.
Today : Resolve is strong. We are probably in Do or Do Re.

To watch for : Mi - Fa : Where the resistance will be under pressure and the interval must be crossed.

Reporting : Everyday.
Task : Avoid Sexual Impressions and watch the movement of the sexual current in the body.

Date : April 5th.

Reporting:

Was on a low sex drive since ORgasm. Initial impulse form Orgasm was of no more Orgasm.

Then MArch 12th Orgasmed again. But initial Impluse changed to intensifying Sex Drive.
Intense suffering till April 3rd. Then now Impulse calmed down.

Looks like the April 3rd was when I crossed the Fa. I am not sure which is the Do here. is this the first Orgasm on March 9 or the one on Mar 12th.

Considering that the initial impulse changed, I think a new Octave crossed over on the 12th and that must be the Do.

So in terms of number of days the Mi Fa Gap for me is from March 12th to April 3rd. That is 22 days.


Now if I apply the ratios
24 27 30 32 36 40 45 48

do re mi fa Sol La Si Do

The Octave will last for 46 days. Theoretically. So that means the Octave will last till 27 th April.

The next shock will be on the 5th Stopinder. at Sol. Which will be around 20th April.

April 23rd: I can see that the sexual energy is on the rise again. This could be the Sol and if used for Internal Purposes as mentioned in Beelzebub, it will produce internal results. For me, this is to sublimate the energy with Kundalini Yoga. With the grace of all the forces.

May 5th. Sexual energy is on the ebb from an internal sense. There are external stimuli that bring in sudden peaks but overall the energy is not all burning and consuming

God Help me

The Life is burning bright in this decaying body. Will this be a life wasted? Why am I not Working Hard? Dont I see the Terror of my Existence? Death is always round the corner. Dont I need to get aquainted with Death instead of suddenly finding myself without moorings of the 'identity' and the "body" at the point of death and then Thrashing away madly? Esp when the Thrashing is attachment to something that i know is a fiction..

God Help me. To stay with the Iam more and more times a day. God help me with the strength to stand firm and not run away when opportunities for tearing away the false masks of my personality arises. God help me my giving me the insight before the body goes back to its mother earth.

Reminder

I can see that I am forgetting my aims, my practices. Days are passing by. I dont see the terror of my existence. I seek shortcuts. God please help me.

I go back to getting the taste of my personality in interraction with others. This means sensing the impression of faces and people around me.
Then hear the sound of my voice as I speak.
Then speak consciously. Awareness and sensation on the throat.

New Organs

The Third Ear...Hearing from the Third Ear

The Intelligence of the Heart

Wings in the Coffin

In the dead of night, a Sufi began to weep.
He said, "This world is like a closed coffin, in which
We are shut and in which, through our ignorance,
We spend our lives in folly and desolation.
When Death comes to open the lid of the coffin,
Each one who has wings will fly off to Eternity,

But those without will remain locked in the coffin.
So, my friends, before the lid of this coffin is taken off,
Do all you can to become a bird of the Way to God;
Do all you can to develop your wings and your feathers."



(Farid ud Din Attar, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert' )

Status Feb 10th

It has been about 14 days - 2 weeks after the Work period. I can see that my initial momentum in terms of speaking consciously and hearing my self speak is dying down. But It is better than before the work period. I probably have another few days to etch this inside my consciousness permanently before it dies out. And to listen to my Voice as i spoke.

Today in the reading of Beelzebub I could intermittently listen to my voice as I read from the text. I could sense that Im using this body as a musical instrument like a flute or a saxophone. Im reading "thru" this body. And then as though this body is a magic machine, where it recognizes text and converts them to voice.

As I speak I must continue to remember the role of my body. And my right engagement with it.

Pursue the Truth.

on lease

Ive been such a fool. The body belongs to the planet. Is run and governed by the nature that runs that planet. And to think that I owned and governed it ! The planet breathes it. Manages and controls every cell. I don’t know dick about this body. And then it comes – like it did last night and pulled out all the sexual vitality from me, as I was asleep.
It is like I was living in a house that I thot was mine. I didn’t know a damn thing about the house. Where it came from and who built the house. Maybe I know a little- where the switches are maybe..i figured out how to use some of the appliances. I just found myself living in the house. I find the house getting cleaned, laundry done, rent paid – and I never even wondered how it was getting done.
It was all staring at my face and im so stupid that I didn’t realize that I just didn’t own the house..didnt run it. Some one else owned the house. He ran it. I just happened to be there. Don’t know from where I came. And where I need to go from this house.
The owner is damn sweet. Did everything very quietly and silently as though I would get embarrassed if I found out that I was just a trespasser. So much compassion and understanding.
But today morning, when I realized that someone had entered the house and extracted from the house, what I thought was my body, the sexual fluids which I thought I had kept under my lock and key, I realized that I don’t hold any key. The key is of the owner. I imagined I had a key. The house is not mine. Now everything falls into place. My breathing. My body functions. Nothing is being done by me. The house is being managed without me.
I need to now leave. Im so embarrassed but Im grateful to have found this. I have to find my own house. I have to open the door and step out. Stop looking at this house from the outside and longingly try beautifying i

Personality

There is now a task of watching the personality as it comes up when I speak.
Mme De Salzmann says “We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.”
She then says towards the end-“ They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences”

Now again Mme De Salzmann also says “ Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the “other”.
Can I sense this when I speak to people. See them as they see me as the other? This may be a powerful exercise.

God pls help me.

Mme De Salzman - (These are words from another level altogether!)

1950 – Mme De Salzmann

Why can we not digest impressions? What could this mean? Where do our impressions fall? Never on our essence. The personality always reacts, functioning like a wall from where the impressions rebound. This is the kundabuffer-a wall between the outer world and reality. Personality steals the food of the inner child.

We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.

You do not understand the relationship among yourselves because you do not understand the relationship with your work. The relationship among yourselves are a little better now than in the past years, but then it could not have been any worse. You have to remember your relationship with your aim. Try to stop when reacting mechanically and remember a place inside yourself, the place of the ideal and the aim. Then again there can be a relationship between you and your aims and ideals. Then you will eat differently, you will walk differently. More passions is needed. You have to remember yourself more often. When you are in a right relationship with your aim, only then could you be in a right relationship with each other. The way you are now you cannot work together.

“Why am I here?” There are two possible answers. “Well, I cam here because it was oferred.? The other deeper, reason is my search and my relationship to this work. Finally, I do not know who is it that came. I do not know the one that came.

When I understand this then I can begin to understand the meaning of my being here. I am here to get to know myself, and all the circumstances in which I find myself are a help for this purpose. From then on I take everything differently. I discover that I am not alone. And I begin to understand that I am fortunate to have an opportunity to get to know myself through my relationship with others.

If I am here, I know well that it is, first of all because it was offered to me, and this serves an inner need which has been partially discovered. But starting from this, what could have I offered to myself? What could be my deepest reason for coming here? What am I searching for? New impressions. What kind and for what purpose? This I did not know. And I needed help to find in myself the echo of a deeper and more real reason. And to find the thirst for the question Who am I? –everywhere and under all circumstances- and to recognize the impossibility of discovering this by myself. Alone, that is not possible. My trying becomes automatic, my effort quickly gets lost in lies, my understanding becomes dull if it is not vivified by an influence whose materiality is finer.

Under these circumstances there is a searcher’s group around a center, which is more alive and meaningful. A group are the other. What it mean the others? What are these others representing to me? What am I expecting from them? Is it enough just to tolerate them? Not possible to avoid their presence?

But these ‘others’ first of all are like me. Yes, they are my neighbours. And not only because they have two eyes, one nose,two ears, and generally because they look and behave like me. But besides the feeling of belonging to the same species, there is a unity of search, of interest and its direction with most members of my group. This cannot escape my attention.

They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences.

Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the other. Until this touches me, a large part of my search is closed off from me. I am the other for him. And to myself also am I not sometimes an other? A stranger. Sometimes, I can even see that this unknown being, this stranger, is much more I than I take myself to be all day.

Simultaneous inward and outward look

How does one simultaneously keep an attention inside as well as outside ? Not when one
is silent but when one is talking to someone. The personality or the limited ego is so sharply
dominating when one is talking to someone. Either in person or on the phone. The other
strong moment is when a woman looks at you. That attention is probably the strongest
moment when one’s ego and personality comes out sharpest. One forgets ones self
awareness. The power of getting attention from the female is a powerful force. It is a
n lethal piece of programming by nature and I guess this is why the initiates in the
Buddhist religion are taught not to meet the eyes of the opposite sex. It’s a bit like
lifting heavy weights before your muscles are all ready.

Carrying the body

Im carrying a bag on my shoulders. I can sense the weight of the bag. When Im talking to
someone or when im walking on the road thinking about something, there is this constant
nag of the weight of the bag on my body.
I feel that the weight of the body on the being is like the weight of the bag on the body.
I can sense this weight. There is always a contact point with it. But it is so heavy and
dominating that I can only feel the body as though that’s the only thing hanging on to me.
I need to sense this. The body. And that should be easy since this body seems to be constantly
stuck to me from all sides ! Just sensing the body will allow me to be in right alignment with
the body. Right relationship. And understand some thing more about myself, that freedom
from the body dominating this presence so completely allows me to.

Reposing in the Self

What is meant by reposing in the Self. Or constantly try to be with with Self.
It seems to be that once stays with pure awareness. The point between the in
breath and the out breath for me seems to be a point where I can sense that
point – the meeting point of me and the self. So I repose at that point. T
he meeting is associated with a feeling..a nice feeling..as tho there is a
sensation of nerve that is getting stimulated.

coating of consciousness

It seems to appear that I anoint every object with my consciousness.
It is my consciousness or awareness that gives it life. If I see a person
that person can be a lifeless doll, but in a subtle process I seem to coat him
with life. Otherwise bodies are just shells or toys.

sensing of the body

The sense of the body..rather the weight of the body can be felt all the time on the field of awareness. Like we sense a strong emotion..the body can be sensed like that..like a resistance that we are sublimating..

the sensation or the weight of the body can be felt all the time..and maybe sensing it will give freedom from the body..like sublimating emotions by sensing them..

its a new direction..