Journey through hell and back

It is important  for me to record my journey through despair.

It started with an absolute frustration on nothing working on the money/business front. I then decided to set up a deadline and as a test to see if there is anything out there or Im just imagining all these forces and energies.

Not unexpectedly, nothing happened at the deadline. For me there was only one route. To snap all connections with the gods. For me that was the end of "Faith" as I called it.
I remember reading about Faith being coming from repetition and here after many years of faith - I snapped out of it. Rationality took over. I was alone and needed to deal with the issue of life and its consequences.

Absence of faith removed Hope from the equation. With Hope gone also was gone Disappointment.

I quite dont  remember what happened - maybe something I read - but one day it struck me that there were specific laws. Then also read laws about masculine and feminine. When to use the power of ego, of self determination and when to bring the feminine of waiting. That is when I learnt to wait. And then to explore and understand the laws that determine phenomena. And then by sheer waiting, things began to happen.

That opening brought back Faith. That if I understood the law, I dont need Faith. What was required of me was to learn the law and for that I had to curb my long built habit of action and forcing things to happen. With follow ups and doing every  job quickly. I had to develop the feminine of waiting. This gave interesting insights on action:

That desires and ambitions are the instruments of the ego that is required for any action to ensure from me.
But once the action has started, I need to hand over the process to the Universe. Hand over process meant firstly meant relinquishing outcome. Knowing that one's action was needed to kick start the energy and after that the Law would play its part was enough material to automatically relinquish the fruits of action. This relinquishing then automatically took away Disapointment - which is a substance created with action is combined with anticipation of a specific outcome. But we forget that there could be other outcomes that could be far more beneficial - and when one yields and leaves the outcome to the universe, one can see the magnificence of its intelligence.

It then became also clear that  the outcomes are fixed by Law. All I have in control is my inner attitude. This Life has a specific purpose which has nothing to do with what I want. I have to go with the flow and bring in my desires and ambitions to play when momentum slows down. Its a great dance between the male energies and the female energies in me. And the more I have faith in the compassion of the universe and its mercifullness as well as the intelligence to know when to act and when to wait, the more the Law clearer and more this life made meaningful.

Depression is an opportunity

Vishaad – Aatma manthan ke shivir (The camps for self-analysis)

O human, listen and understand this truth with all your being (dhyan), that depression is not an illness or disease. It is a plateau given by Nature to know the true meaning and importance of detachment. In the complete life cycle of a human being the state of plateaus of depression are sure to happen at least seven to ten times at an interval ranging from 8 to12 yrs.

The ashrams of our Vedic culture are based on this reality and mental state. This is a unique and miraculous law of Nature. In this duration, the human mind is disillusioned and astonished by worldly experiences, is detached and is lost in its own world. The mind is agitated and indulges in self pity and may even think of suicide. Or by self- analysis (aatma-manthan) collects him/herself, determined with new enthusiasm, gives truthful direction turns towards a life of complete and whole awareness or wanders in the search of a true guru.

Western psychology has called this mental condition of staying away from the world in a state of inaction and indolence in the darkness of loneliness, the disease of depression.

This word is now used frequently in the common everyday language of even the young.  Lost and hung up in the maze of tension, depression and boredom, they block all paths for growth.

Depression is not a disease. When a mentally evolved human finds the world without meaning or we can say it this way that when the true face of the world becomes visible, to an emotional and sensitive individual then this state of plateau or ‘camp’ is created. Mental hurt is not the only reason for it. A break or hindrance in the mental, spiritual and economic growth can also be a reason for this condition.

From this plateau or base camp, a human who does some soul searching, meditation and contemplation surfaces through these due to his own will power (soul power) gets a new life, new energy, moves forward and whosoever indulges in it, gets mentally ill-balanced, can also harm him/herself, this is sin, an insult to the internal powers of human. It is difficult to know when depression softly walks into our lives because it starts by repeated indifference (virakti) or boredom and the interval span of this state becomes less and less and dependency on medicines or outer means increases, then realise that the problem has been suppressed not resolved.

A wise person is one who recognises these symptoms, does self-analysis, makes suitable changes in his routine and daily activities and maintains discipline. Realising ones truth, be determined to never let your growth stop based on the Laws of Nature, this is true endeavour (purusharth). Life is a penance (sadhna) for this effort.

The person who goes through depression and emerges as a better human being only he can contribute towards humanity and is capable of bearing future plateaus.

Depression is just a plateau, a base camp to reach the topmost, highest peak. How will you reach the top of the peak in one breath if you will break, disintegrate on the way. O Human, learn how to move forward with enthusiasm after complete rest and preparation at these base camps.

Jagakar gyan yog, jalakar vivek jyoti

Naveenta se ho oat-proth barh ja suprabhat ki orr.

Ignite gyan yog, light the lamp of wisdom, full with renewed newness, and move ahead towards a new dawn. 

Pranam

Separation

One is always in conflict between what the lower (mind/body/lower emotions) want and the wish of what I could call the soul.
It appears that giving into the callings of the lower, strengthens my identification with the lower. Otherwise why would I yield to them?
Not yielding to their calling, I forge my identity with that part of me which 'decides' and 'arbitrates' and which by these acts learn the Law.

Tarkovsky on Art

• Art is born and takes hold wherever there is a timeless and insatiable longing for the spiritual, fr the ideal: that longing which draws people to art. Modern art has taken the wrong turn in abandoning the search for the meaning of existence in order to affirm the value of the individual for his own sake. What purports to be art begins to looks like an eccentric occupation for suspect characters who maintain that any personalised action is of intrinsic value simply as a display of self-will. But in an artistic creation the personality does not assert itself it serves another, higher and communal idea. The artist is always the servant, and is perpetually trying to pay for the gift that has been given to him as if by a miracle. Modern man, however, does not want to make any sacrifice, even though true affirmation of the self can only be expressed in sacrifice. We are gradually forgetting about this, and at the same time, inevitably, losing all sense of human calling (p38)

• The idea of infinity cannot be expressed in words or even described, but it can be apprehended through art, which makes infinity tangible. The absolute is only attainable through faith and in the creative act. (p39)

• Modern mass culture, aimed at the 'consumer', the civilisation of prosthetics, is crippling people's souls, setting up barriers between man and the crucial questions of his existence, his consciousness of himself as a spiritual being. (p42)

• The allotted function of art is not, as is often assumed, to put across ideas, to propagate thoughts, to serve as an example. The aim of art is to prepare a person for death, to plough and harrow his soul, rendering it capable of turning to good (p42)