Inside Outside

All experiences are internal. External impressions and stimuli are only bridges to enable internal experience. There is no experience that is external.
This would mean really that the external is a reflection of the internal. The sexual attraction for a woman is therefore a bridge to the feminine energy inside us. The external cosmos that we see is really the internal that is reflected outside. Wow.

everything therefore is really a way to perceive our internal states. Like when people irritate us. Its really our internal irritability that is illuminated. Like when we love someone, its really that the person forms a bridge to open the internal love in us.
i guess this is probably the reason for idol worship - the act of worship allows us to reflect upon our own Self indirectly. When we pray to an idol, we are actually reflecting and praying for the Self inside us.

nothing external therefore is real. it is only a projection. wow.
then the only sadhana is to reflect on the Self.
reaching inwards and observing how we can watch the outside and the inside simultaneously - the internal world and the external world reflecting the internal.

Materiality and Consciousness

Ravi talks about the ends of the spectrum - at one end there is pure consciousness with no materiality. At the other end is pure materiality. It appears that materiality is needed to experience consciousness and then less and less of the materiality is needed to experience that consciousness till I assume, consciousness itslef experiences consciousness.
Each time one gets an impression, a conscious impression, I think it gives a glimpse of experiencing the consciousness. But we tend to ascribe the raison d'etre of that experience to the object and repetition of that experience seem to give rise to desire. If we were to however seperate the object that provided a bridge or a vehicle to travel to experience the consciousness from the experience itself, I would think that the nature of the desire could be better explored. I have a feeling that when a man falls in love, or when I fall in love, that woman or the impression she creates, takes me to be in touch with my own consciousness at a deeper level , but I dont seem to see it that way. I am so consumed by it that the process is invisible to me.
Pure awareness without materiality for me, at my level of comprehension seem to be awareness without the imagery of confinment to the body. Yet the complete experience of al pervasiveness of "I" still eludes.

memory bank

The memory would be better understood if we could understand what kinds of memory we store. I wonder if we have a separate box in the head for Visual memory. A separate box for Auditory memory. A box for memory of sensations.
And I am sure there is actually a precise order in which these are pulled up based on the associative impressions and even the interconnect between them. The study of these maybe could free one of these associations and only as a conscious act dig into these and pull them out – currently we don’t seem to have any say in the images or the songs or the sensations that the served up.

Pentland

"sensations allow us to discover energy and vibrations before they have taken form "..( i guess in words or images)

more such insightful quotes from Pentland. It appeared as thought Pentland was engaged with the study of the active and passive forces operating simultaneously to trigger the neutralising force..some quotes again..

" I begin to understand what would be meant, if I were able to be present to it, by the idea of two levels of attention: one that reacts to what is going on mechanically and another attention that is in touch with the presence of myself in the moment. Real responsibility begins when I am present to both these levels at the same time—when I have an attention which is able to hear the call at the same time as it feels the movement of the unconscious parts of myself.
Now of course I’m speaking about something you’re all familiar with. It’s the question of real will. And I hope I can say that we’re all together in front of that question, yourself, and myself, and all of us. It’s a question we all share together. Nobody’s giving the answers. And that’s what a real human question is like.
The first step in responsibility, then, is separation—separation of the energies from the forms they take, separation of essence from personality. And for this process to go on calls for a certain quality of attention which I call non-directive skill. It’s only by developing this quality of attentive engagement that I begin to move towards real individuality.

We don’t understand the importance of our attitude. My attitude at any point is like the sunken part of the iceberg. I start out from the conscious affirmative part which is like the tip. I’m quite surprised—and unprepared—to meet resistance from this unconscious part. Yet my attitude is largely governed by this resistance. You have to see the resistance. You have to be more aware of the wish to not work—at the same time as you are holding the wish to work"

so i dont exist inside..i dont exist outside...my only connection with myself is this sensation as i breathe..is this the only reality? so where am i located? right now only in the sensation? what is this sensation? a clue about my identity..a surrogate..a proxy for something that my mind cannot fathom yet feelings can to a certain degree?

sensation

Pentland says something amazing - Sensation is where the head and he feelings meet.

He says " The point is, the head, which takes in ideas, and the feeling, which takes in scale, can never meet. Sensation is the relating element. How to feel what you think or to think what you feel is through sensation. We practice sensation in a way unrelated; for the head and feeling to meet is . . . only in the body. My head feels all over my body. With the sensation of the body, the head and feeling can come together, and that is the basis for so-called inner life. How to call feeling back. How to call the head back to meet with the feeling is only through sensation, where feeling and thought can come together."

it makes so complete sense.

Feelings takes in scale...its so true..things that the mind cannot contain..large scales..can only be a feeling...

Best before

So what is my use. How do I know the purpose of my incarnation. How do I then do. Without self deception. So I know Im employing my self into this action because this is what I was meant to do. How do I know? I don’t have a label at the back of my head to know my purpose. Im here on an errand. I didn’t ask to come to the world. And I know death is close at hand to call me back. And I need to complete what I was sent for. Only I don’t know what. So my search is to find my purpose. The purpose of my coming to this world. Where do I begin?

Soul sculpture

So life can also be seen as though we are a particle of consciousness, still in the process of being perfected. And we get this body as a tool..and told..hey take this body and perfect the consciousness. Its interesting to see the body like that. As though the whole process of the spiritual success is to use the body that will purify this consciousness. And then the very act of purification changes the body itself and create the chalice into which finer energies can fill up and the action of the body then gets close and closer to sacred action or the will of the divine.

IN New York

In New York. Sipping Chai Tea Latte in Barnes and Nobles. yesterday, a whirlwind discussion with Linda. On packaging experience. a balance between spontaniety and order. new york.sipping tea. smell of the books. in the middle of a packaged experience of all the writers. New york. really makes me want to write a book. its flowing with an artsy energy which is waiting to gurgle into everyone and flush out a book..a film..art..any art..or an invention..anything that the aching heart can deliver without a C section.

smell the coffee

So begins another day. A few didn’t make it till morning. Of course, waking up is a curious phenomena. I seem to feel that we are always awake – but what we call waking up is really filling that awake space with our specific hard drive – with its pre set programs, memories, and virus. Instantly we have personalized this Universe when we wake up.
I wake up. I see the bright light, greens, a thought enters leading to a million others. Reality around me is quickly replaced. My eyes see but my mind does not. So it’s a strange seeing. Even what my eyes see is not fresh. Im not even sure if Im seeing the tree in front of me. Or is this an image that has been loaded into my brain – the image of a tree and I don’t see the tree in front of me. Is this the magic that the Impressionist painters discovered. Found a way in which they could fight back the inner images and capture a true seeing?
So what is reality – if everything is a personal interpretation? And who is experiencing the reality? Or is the experiencer the only reality? How do we go back to the experiencer? Where is the experiencer? Where did he come from ? When did he ( or I?) start experiencing? And what is experiencing for me? A sensation ? A feeling? An image? And why is there such an ache to find all this?

Is this the crushing pain that comes from realising that the reality on the basis of which we built a whole life is unreal? It’s a movie set l? Is it about freedom. Freedom from unreal? Freedom to know oneself and thereby live in dignity.