Between effort and letting go

It has been a week of torment. One one end, I feel my time is running out. Im not trying enough. Ive not put my life on the line for my search. And then so much clarity from Ravi-ji.

"Dying to oneself is not easy. It is dying to all my habits, accumulations and the whole of my past, dying to everything I know and have experienced. But none of this can be forced. Nor can it be undertaken with ambition as an ego project.

To some extent a deep-seated letting go is needed--almost as if I am not responsible for my life, my activities or my spiritual development.

I did not bring myself here. I could not possibly be here without the agreement, or even connivance, of the higher forces. So it is their concern and their problem. They can do with me what they wish and what they determine I need."

So this is what I need to practice. A DEEP SEATED LETTING GO. SO THE HIGHER FORCES WHO SENT ME HERE CAN DO WHAT THEY WISH TO DO WITH ME.

So then what is the RIGHT ACTION from my side ? Here Ravi-ji says.

"This is not a call to laziness or to resignation. It is much more a freedom from ego ambition. I accept myself as I am, not what I should be, and then I listen to the higher forces--which is the same as listening to deeper parts in myself--and I try to bend as they suggest.

Gradually I begin to see that dying to myself is dying to my habits of thought and feeling, to my self-importance, to my fears and to my suffering."

And then he talks about the way in which we practice this so it becomes a NEW WAY.

"Maybe I will die like a dog. Even this has to be accepted. Becoming anxious about it is not going to help. Disgust with the world or with myself and with the low-level quality of my efforts and my wiggling out or with my safety nets can impel me to work harder a little, but this does not have sufficient energy. What is needed is more and more opening to higher, and therefore more suitable and more potent, energy.

As Patañjali says in the Yoga Sutras, higher vairagya comes from a vision of Purusha; then something fundamental settles in my attitude towards the world and towards the worldly ambitions and fears in myself."

AND THEN HE SUMMARISES THE SEARCH WHICH FOR ME NOW IS A GOSPEL FOR THE FUTURE.

"We will not cease searching--sometimes with hesitation, sometimes with great impulse. Ours is only the search. We do not know whether we will reach the destination or not. We don't know what the destination is; we simply imagine it. Perhaps our imagination is based on what we have read in the scriptures or what we have heard from the sages. This imagination cannot be free of our own fears and ambitions. The fact is that we do not know. So we listen to ourselves again--and your e-mail is an expression of that listening and sharing with fellow searchers--and not lose heart; we stand up and begin our journey once again. We were brought here when the time was right, and we will be taken away when the time will be right. Then we will recommence our journey from where we will be at that time.

Ours is a journey without end. The end is either for the buddhas or for the dead stones. You and I are alive and we will persist--wondering, questioning, searching, resting periodically and then walking again."


Oh What Grace !

Rite Now

Having experienced the joy of present moment it is hard to not to want to repeat it. This happened when I landed at Hyderabad airport and suddenly there was this excitement of watching what will happen next in my life. It was like watching a reality show not knowing what next. Sometimes a face pops up, a car passes by, the cell fone rings. It was an amazing experience. I wonder why I often kill this by getting lots in thoughts.

Weight of the body

It appears that the weight of the body on my being is something that I am not conscious of. Its like a sound in the background that I have become so used to that I stop noticing it. Sensation appears to be the way to probably separate the body and the being and therefore sense the weight that the being is dragging along. It’s a different experience of sensation when one is sensing the body as a weight on the being as against sensing the body from within.

I guess this is probably what is meant by meditation. To create the internal silence so these entangled impressions can be de tangled and therefore towards a more truthful response.

Body

How does one engage with the body in the journey to understand the "I" ? In any case the body seems to be the first port of call. It seems to be the first within reach. I now feel the weight of the body. Its salty taste. Right now. Now what? Feel the difference between the "I" and this body? When will I be able to experientially break the knot of the inner imagery of being the body? Permanently? and escape death by dying before hand.