Mid Leap

It’s a difficult choice. It appears that one needs to maintain consistent efforts – neither too much or too less. Then the waiting. Conscious waiting seems impossible. When one is conscious there seems to be an urge to always try something - be in sensing the body or watching the breath. Then how do we allow the other energies to participate and even enter if we are so engaged in "doing" . My own fantasy is that effort continues and when the energy is all spent, awarenss vanishes and deep sleep takes over. In a way, that sleep allows no resistance and thereby allow higher energies to come and visit. And maybe unexpectedly a deep insight will arise. Like cultivating the field and then waiting for the rains and the rain god to arrive. I sometimes feel that even the trying and the Working is not something that I do – its been done thru me. It’s the wanting to have a quick closure or the frustration on not reaching that space that comes from a lower part around my presenses. That needs vigilance. And see what is in me that wants a quick closure. Or a wanting a permanence.

Sometimes when one is on the verge of an insight there is a sense of even impending disaapointment - as though if the search is over there is no longer any more meaning in life. It is indeed frustrating to be mid stream - the bank left behind does not appeal and the bank ahead is only faintly visible.