Journey through hell and back

It is important  for me to record my journey through despair.

It started with an absolute frustration on nothing working on the money/business front. I then decided to set up a deadline and as a test to see if there is anything out there or Im just imagining all these forces and energies.

Not unexpectedly, nothing happened at the deadline. For me there was only one route. To snap all connections with the gods. For me that was the end of "Faith" as I called it.
I remember reading about Faith being coming from repetition and here after many years of faith - I snapped out of it. Rationality took over. I was alone and needed to deal with the issue of life and its consequences.

Absence of faith removed Hope from the equation. With Hope gone also was gone Disappointment.

I quite dont  remember what happened - maybe something I read - but one day it struck me that there were specific laws. Then also read laws about masculine and feminine. When to use the power of ego, of self determination and when to bring the feminine of waiting. That is when I learnt to wait. And then to explore and understand the laws that determine phenomena. And then by sheer waiting, things began to happen.

That opening brought back Faith. That if I understood the law, I dont need Faith. What was required of me was to learn the law and for that I had to curb my long built habit of action and forcing things to happen. With follow ups and doing every  job quickly. I had to develop the feminine of waiting. This gave interesting insights on action:

That desires and ambitions are the instruments of the ego that is required for any action to ensure from me.
But once the action has started, I need to hand over the process to the Universe. Hand over process meant firstly meant relinquishing outcome. Knowing that one's action was needed to kick start the energy and after that the Law would play its part was enough material to automatically relinquish the fruits of action. This relinquishing then automatically took away Disapointment - which is a substance created with action is combined with anticipation of a specific outcome. But we forget that there could be other outcomes that could be far more beneficial - and when one yields and leaves the outcome to the universe, one can see the magnificence of its intelligence.

It then became also clear that  the outcomes are fixed by Law. All I have in control is my inner attitude. This Life has a specific purpose which has nothing to do with what I want. I have to go with the flow and bring in my desires and ambitions to play when momentum slows down. Its a great dance between the male energies and the female energies in me. And the more I have faith in the compassion of the universe and its mercifullness as well as the intelligence to know when to act and when to wait, the more the Law clearer and more this life made meaningful.