The insight in Pune was to realise that any endeavour is really not my personal task. I am invited to participate in something that the Devas wish to achieve. I do not know the end outcome of it, if there is anything at all like that, but at my level I participate because I see some 'personal benefit' in it.
The question however remains that how can one remain responsible if
(a) Its not really one's endeavour but someone/something else's
(b) I do not know where does my responsibility end since I dont know the big picture
(c) How not to be indifferent
The line says ..I do not know but I am interested. That could mean that once I have done, what I think is my part, I need to be waiting 'actively'. My ego/my past habits want to see the outcome quickly after I have done my part - but now that I know that the endeavour is much larger than me and that possible all the elements in the cosmos that are playing parts in this endeavour, all need to be considered, I know that it is silly of me to expect an outcome as per the wishes of my small self - or my fears or my insecurity or even self importance.
But knowing this does not mean I suppose, relinquish interest. So how does one remain 'motivated' for
(a) Something I dont know what its mean for my personal benefit.
(b) I have done my part and wish to do something else that can engage me
(c) something where I have no idea about how long to wait
What can keep me interested?
At my level, I feel that, the lofty ideals of being a servant of the cosmos does not stir the passion to be interested. If "I am interested" means to remain in constant attention and wait endlessly for another order to descend, then I feel it needs a certain kind of passion to be in such servitude.
Therefore for me, to be 'interested' could begin from a point where I am interested in that part that could benefit me? That can create a kind of a relationship that allows a certain attention to bear upon the waiting. This, alchemically could mean using the energy of desire. Desire however is an active force used by the ego to get whatever it wants. So holding the desire back, could be running contrary to its default direction and momentum and thereby bring about a possibility of transformation of the materiality of the desire.
Holding back is hard because one believes that it is all upto oneself and that cosmos really doesnt care. However, if one's starting point is that the endeavour is truly commenced by the Deva, then they have an interest too and if we do our part of waiting, they can resolve all the other ends that also needs the fruits of this action and give me what would lawfully come to me as per the merits of my action.
I was standing in the bus. I wanted to be seated by the seats were all full. So the wanting of the seat was also an endevour of the devas. My effort then was to position myself at a place where I thought that the chances of having an empty seat was high. This was a seat occupied by a college student and I knew that a couple of stops away was the college.
But as the college approached, the student made no move. What is my task now? I had done my part of positioning myself at (what I thought) was the right place but things were going wrong. I stayed at the same place in a mix of dismay and also faith bordering on justifications that I could stay standing and that I am not so so tired. But then a few seats ahead, the girl occupying the seat, got off and moved to the ladies section of the seating and I got my place.
So I got my seat, at the same stop as I desired, but the way it happened came from the realm of the unknown and not from how I had planned it would happen. This is the magic of the gifts from above.
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