Rite Now

Having experienced the joy of present moment it is hard to not to want to repeat it. This happened when I landed at Hyderabad airport and suddenly there was this excitement of watching what will happen next in my life. It was like watching a reality show not knowing what next. Sometimes a face pops up, a car passes by, the cell fone rings. It was an amazing experience. I wonder why I often kill this by getting lots in thoughts.

Weight of the body

It appears that the weight of the body on my being is something that I am not conscious of. Its like a sound in the background that I have become so used to that I stop noticing it. Sensation appears to be the way to probably separate the body and the being and therefore sense the weight that the being is dragging along. It’s a different experience of sensation when one is sensing the body as a weight on the being as against sensing the body from within.

I guess this is probably what is meant by meditation. To create the internal silence so these entangled impressions can be de tangled and therefore towards a more truthful response.

Body

How does one engage with the body in the journey to understand the "I" ? In any case the body seems to be the first port of call. It seems to be the first within reach. I now feel the weight of the body. Its salty taste. Right now. Now what? Feel the difference between the "I" and this body? When will I be able to experientially break the knot of the inner imagery of being the body? Permanently? and escape death by dying before hand.

Attention

Michelle Salzmann talked about Attention being the real I. Everything else is given - the body by the planet and the mind and thoughts by society and its conditioning.

What I get in Grace I pay back in attention.

Silence is..

Some Glimmer of hope. The last week, there were a couple of moments when there was actual inner attention while speaking. Still a long way off. Still catching myself once the speech is over. But there is hope and will report here to track progress.

The Octave of the Sexual Energy

So here's a live experiment for me to sense the movement of my sexual energy Octave.

Starting point: 9th March : Orgasm
Octave : Do is the Resolve to maintain a resistance to physical release of sexual tension.
Today : Resolve is strong. We are probably in Do or Do Re.

To watch for : Mi - Fa : Where the resistance will be under pressure and the interval must be crossed.

Reporting : Everyday.
Task : Avoid Sexual Impressions and watch the movement of the sexual current in the body.

Date : April 5th.

Reporting:

Was on a low sex drive since ORgasm. Initial impulse form Orgasm was of no more Orgasm.

Then MArch 12th Orgasmed again. But initial Impluse changed to intensifying Sex Drive.
Intense suffering till April 3rd. Then now Impulse calmed down.

Looks like the April 3rd was when I crossed the Fa. I am not sure which is the Do here. is this the first Orgasm on March 9 or the one on Mar 12th.

Considering that the initial impulse changed, I think a new Octave crossed over on the 12th and that must be the Do.

So in terms of number of days the Mi Fa Gap for me is from March 12th to April 3rd. That is 22 days.


Now if I apply the ratios
24 27 30 32 36 40 45 48

do re mi fa Sol La Si Do

The Octave will last for 46 days. Theoretically. So that means the Octave will last till 27 th April.

The next shock will be on the 5th Stopinder. at Sol. Which will be around 20th April.

April 23rd: I can see that the sexual energy is on the rise again. This could be the Sol and if used for Internal Purposes as mentioned in Beelzebub, it will produce internal results. For me, this is to sublimate the energy with Kundalini Yoga. With the grace of all the forces.

May 5th. Sexual energy is on the ebb from an internal sense. There are external stimuli that bring in sudden peaks but overall the energy is not all burning and consuming

God Help me

The Life is burning bright in this decaying body. Will this be a life wasted? Why am I not Working Hard? Dont I see the Terror of my Existence? Death is always round the corner. Dont I need to get aquainted with Death instead of suddenly finding myself without moorings of the 'identity' and the "body" at the point of death and then Thrashing away madly? Esp when the Thrashing is attachment to something that i know is a fiction..

God Help me. To stay with the Iam more and more times a day. God help me with the strength to stand firm and not run away when opportunities for tearing away the false masks of my personality arises. God help me my giving me the insight before the body goes back to its mother earth.

Reminder

I can see that I am forgetting my aims, my practices. Days are passing by. I dont see the terror of my existence. I seek shortcuts. God please help me.

I go back to getting the taste of my personality in interraction with others. This means sensing the impression of faces and people around me.
Then hear the sound of my voice as I speak.
Then speak consciously. Awareness and sensation on the throat.

New Organs

The Third Ear...Hearing from the Third Ear

The Intelligence of the Heart

Wings in the Coffin

In the dead of night, a Sufi began to weep.
He said, "This world is like a closed coffin, in which
We are shut and in which, through our ignorance,
We spend our lives in folly and desolation.
When Death comes to open the lid of the coffin,
Each one who has wings will fly off to Eternity,

But those without will remain locked in the coffin.
So, my friends, before the lid of this coffin is taken off,
Do all you can to become a bird of the Way to God;
Do all you can to develop your wings and your feathers."



(Farid ud Din Attar, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert' )

Status Feb 10th

It has been about 14 days - 2 weeks after the Work period. I can see that my initial momentum in terms of speaking consciously and hearing my self speak is dying down. But It is better than before the work period. I probably have another few days to etch this inside my consciousness permanently before it dies out. And to listen to my Voice as i spoke.

Today in the reading of Beelzebub I could intermittently listen to my voice as I read from the text. I could sense that Im using this body as a musical instrument like a flute or a saxophone. Im reading "thru" this body. And then as though this body is a magic machine, where it recognizes text and converts them to voice.

As I speak I must continue to remember the role of my body. And my right engagement with it.

Pursue the Truth.

on lease

Ive been such a fool. The body belongs to the planet. Is run and governed by the nature that runs that planet. And to think that I owned and governed it ! The planet breathes it. Manages and controls every cell. I don’t know dick about this body. And then it comes – like it did last night and pulled out all the sexual vitality from me, as I was asleep.
It is like I was living in a house that I thot was mine. I didn’t know a damn thing about the house. Where it came from and who built the house. Maybe I know a little- where the switches are maybe..i figured out how to use some of the appliances. I just found myself living in the house. I find the house getting cleaned, laundry done, rent paid – and I never even wondered how it was getting done.
It was all staring at my face and im so stupid that I didn’t realize that I just didn’t own the house..didnt run it. Some one else owned the house. He ran it. I just happened to be there. Don’t know from where I came. And where I need to go from this house.
The owner is damn sweet. Did everything very quietly and silently as though I would get embarrassed if I found out that I was just a trespasser. So much compassion and understanding.
But today morning, when I realized that someone had entered the house and extracted from the house, what I thought was my body, the sexual fluids which I thought I had kept under my lock and key, I realized that I don’t hold any key. The key is of the owner. I imagined I had a key. The house is not mine. Now everything falls into place. My breathing. My body functions. Nothing is being done by me. The house is being managed without me.
I need to now leave. Im so embarrassed but Im grateful to have found this. I have to find my own house. I have to open the door and step out. Stop looking at this house from the outside and longingly try beautifying i

Personality

There is now a task of watching the personality as it comes up when I speak.
Mme De Salzmann says “We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.”
She then says towards the end-“ They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences”

Now again Mme De Salzmann also says “ Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the “other”.
Can I sense this when I speak to people. See them as they see me as the other? This may be a powerful exercise.

God pls help me.

Mme De Salzman - (These are words from another level altogether!)

1950 – Mme De Salzmann

Why can we not digest impressions? What could this mean? Where do our impressions fall? Never on our essence. The personality always reacts, functioning like a wall from where the impressions rebound. This is the kundabuffer-a wall between the outer world and reality. Personality steals the food of the inner child.

We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.

You do not understand the relationship among yourselves because you do not understand the relationship with your work. The relationship among yourselves are a little better now than in the past years, but then it could not have been any worse. You have to remember your relationship with your aim. Try to stop when reacting mechanically and remember a place inside yourself, the place of the ideal and the aim. Then again there can be a relationship between you and your aims and ideals. Then you will eat differently, you will walk differently. More passions is needed. You have to remember yourself more often. When you are in a right relationship with your aim, only then could you be in a right relationship with each other. The way you are now you cannot work together.

“Why am I here?” There are two possible answers. “Well, I cam here because it was oferred.? The other deeper, reason is my search and my relationship to this work. Finally, I do not know who is it that came. I do not know the one that came.

When I understand this then I can begin to understand the meaning of my being here. I am here to get to know myself, and all the circumstances in which I find myself are a help for this purpose. From then on I take everything differently. I discover that I am not alone. And I begin to understand that I am fortunate to have an opportunity to get to know myself through my relationship with others.

If I am here, I know well that it is, first of all because it was offered to me, and this serves an inner need which has been partially discovered. But starting from this, what could have I offered to myself? What could be my deepest reason for coming here? What am I searching for? New impressions. What kind and for what purpose? This I did not know. And I needed help to find in myself the echo of a deeper and more real reason. And to find the thirst for the question Who am I? –everywhere and under all circumstances- and to recognize the impossibility of discovering this by myself. Alone, that is not possible. My trying becomes automatic, my effort quickly gets lost in lies, my understanding becomes dull if it is not vivified by an influence whose materiality is finer.

Under these circumstances there is a searcher’s group around a center, which is more alive and meaningful. A group are the other. What it mean the others? What are these others representing to me? What am I expecting from them? Is it enough just to tolerate them? Not possible to avoid their presence?

But these ‘others’ first of all are like me. Yes, they are my neighbours. And not only because they have two eyes, one nose,two ears, and generally because they look and behave like me. But besides the feeling of belonging to the same species, there is a unity of search, of interest and its direction with most members of my group. This cannot escape my attention.

They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences.

Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the other. Until this touches me, a large part of my search is closed off from me. I am the other for him. And to myself also am I not sometimes an other? A stranger. Sometimes, I can even see that this unknown being, this stranger, is much more I than I take myself to be all day.

Simultaneous inward and outward look

How does one simultaneously keep an attention inside as well as outside ? Not when one
is silent but when one is talking to someone. The personality or the limited ego is so sharply
dominating when one is talking to someone. Either in person or on the phone. The other
strong moment is when a woman looks at you. That attention is probably the strongest
moment when one’s ego and personality comes out sharpest. One forgets ones self
awareness. The power of getting attention from the female is a powerful force. It is a
n lethal piece of programming by nature and I guess this is why the initiates in the
Buddhist religion are taught not to meet the eyes of the opposite sex. It’s a bit like
lifting heavy weights before your muscles are all ready.

Carrying the body

Im carrying a bag on my shoulders. I can sense the weight of the bag. When Im talking to
someone or when im walking on the road thinking about something, there is this constant
nag of the weight of the bag on my body.
I feel that the weight of the body on the being is like the weight of the bag on the body.
I can sense this weight. There is always a contact point with it. But it is so heavy and
dominating that I can only feel the body as though that’s the only thing hanging on to me.
I need to sense this. The body. And that should be easy since this body seems to be constantly
stuck to me from all sides ! Just sensing the body will allow me to be in right alignment with
the body. Right relationship. And understand some thing more about myself, that freedom
from the body dominating this presence so completely allows me to.

Reposing in the Self

What is meant by reposing in the Self. Or constantly try to be with with Self.
It seems to be that once stays with pure awareness. The point between the in
breath and the out breath for me seems to be a point where I can sense that
point – the meeting point of me and the self. So I repose at that point. T
he meeting is associated with a feeling..a nice feeling..as tho there is a
sensation of nerve that is getting stimulated.

coating of consciousness

It seems to appear that I anoint every object with my consciousness.
It is my consciousness or awareness that gives it life. If I see a person
that person can be a lifeless doll, but in a subtle process I seem to coat him
with life. Otherwise bodies are just shells or toys.

sensing of the body

The sense of the body..rather the weight of the body can be felt all the time on the field of awareness. Like we sense a strong emotion..the body can be sensed like that..like a resistance that we are sublimating..

the sensation or the weight of the body can be felt all the time..and maybe sensing it will give freedom from the body..like sublimating emotions by sensing them..

its a new direction..

Amazing line from Aurobindo Book

“Consciousness is in truth the only organ.”
This is really true. The experiencing of any impression from any sense organ is really by the consciousness. As tho when Im looking..the consciousness is loaded on the sense organ. So freedom from senses or to go to the essense of experiencing “a sight” or a “sound” we need to distill the consciousness from the organ.


Another Amazing line

“The body is a marvelous instrument – docile, enduring, full of inexhaustible goodwill.”
This is so true..its such a sweet statement. I suddenly had this overpowering affection for the body. Its like my doggie. Really sweet. Takes so much abuse. Always complying. This seems to have changed my relationship so completely with my body. Especially the word Goodwill…the body has so much goodwill.