escaping from time

So I wonder what is time? Mainly psychological time. Physical time is lot easier to understand – since its artificially created. Physical time is a function of motion. Time is distance traveled by an object from point A to point B. In a clock 1 second is the distance travelled by the seconds-hand around the circumference of the clock once.

So its easy to understand the artificiality of this. But what about psychological time? It appears to me that there are a few widgets in the head that get activated in the head depending on the energy levels of the organism. One widget could be the “hurry-up” widget which suddenly gives us this feeling of panic that we are running late. Then suddenly there is this awareness of time. Before this widget was activated time did not exist for us. Then there could be “bored” widget. When suddenly once feels that time is not moving. It appears that comes when,say, we are waiting. Waiting for someone, waiting for some boring movie or person to get over. Waiting for a terrible moment to get over. Then again our perception of time gets to fore.
The other experiences of time seem to be variations of the same. When ur having fun and then suddenly when the fun is over a perception of time comes up – how quickly the time has passed. Its almost as if at that moment we compare the physical time elapsed to that if the psychological time – which when we are having fun is absent.

Time other than the physical time seem to not exist. So we try to compare this artificial measure with a measure that is psychological one. For eg if we look at the clock and watch the clock for 5 minutes at different times of the day and at different moods we can see that we do not have an equivalent measure of physical time in terms of psychological time – 5 minutes means so much in my head.
Krishnamurthy I remember him saying that absence of thought is absence of time. So when you are having fun, its pure fun and no thought. Psychological time comes up when there is thought. No thought or watching the movements of time in our internal psyche seems to be the only escape from time.

Field of awareness

I continue to see that my attention is fragmented. During the day, there seems to be no attention to what is happening inside. But I feel that even if there is attention inwards, for a few minutes or hours each day, it still holds out hope. A sensation of the body, an awareness of my inner state even for a few minutes in the morning or night may I guess lead to more prolonged sustained attention during other parts of the day.
it is ironical to sometimes be aware of the pure awareness and then the thought that the body and everything else that we see or perceive to be inside or outside the body is all within the field/created by the awareness. just staying in the presence of pure awareness or invoking it say thru a focus on the breath makes one feel that one is on the border of a larger discovery.

body is truthful.

A very interesting remark by David Bohm one the concept of “me-ness”. The illusion that we think that there is a “me” that I carry everywhere with me. I need to watch each time that “feeling” arises especially when I speak to people or get impressions from conversations or when im self conscious and watch myself from the stand point of other people is visually flashed in my head.
The other amazing line that David Bohm mentioned was that the body is truthful. When we say get insulted or get stressed we can possibly condition our minds to say ..hey im not affected by this or im cool..these things don’t affect me. I have effectively trained the mind to lie to me. But the body will get a clear sensation if we are hurt.

The body does not lie.

I must listen to what the body says and listen more carefully.

Two simultaneous existences

It appeared to me today for a few moments we have two simultaneous existences – one as
pure awareness and one as experiencing the world through the body.
Experiencing through the body is an interesting process to explore. I see that th ne eyes
and the ears largely bring in the impressions, leading to a sensation, then impacting the
hormones and the glands and from the hormones to the mind and the mind takes an action.
Internal experiencing is impressions that come from the mind and it pretty much follows
the same pattern – thot leading to a sensation and sensation connected to a hormone leads
to stimulation in the mind and mind to action. All mechanical and associative.
As though the experiencing the world through the body largely following a habitual pattern.

Moments of non habitual experiencing I think happens when we can have the two
simultaneous existences – one as pure awareness and one as experiencing the world
through the body and a simultaneous recognition of both the experiencing.

Remembrances

1. Universe is only a creation of my own. I should go to the source and at the point where the attention and consciousness mixes with the senses.
2. Everything I see around me is my own creation. Its me in each manifestation.
3. It is a very thin bubble and if we at the first step believe that this is an illusion then it will burst. We have to constantly believe that this is an illusion.
4. Each visual impression, each thought reaction, each sensation only gives more information about myself.

for whom much is given..

So the journey continues. Last night halted at the indo-nepal border at a small village called Kodari. Was magic with the mountains so close. And the river continuing to follow us like Yudhistir’s dog. Or maybe we’re following the river. And then today at Zhangmu across the Chinese border. Into Tibet. The place is so artificial. All industrial looking. As tho the mountains have got a bad skin infection and metallic scabs.
What brings me here? What brings me to places like Tibet, Badrinath, Rishikesh? What brings me to masters like osho, sri sri, sadhguru and ravi ravindra? I struggle with everything. My exercises are all flops – be it speech, sensing or even chanting. Will this be a life wasted? Will all the efforts of my teachers be wasted? Will all the effort of the universe in bringing all these opportunities be of no avail?
I must atleast do my practices and change my diet to vegetarian and no coffee and tea.
And keep a daily journal of my day so I can squarely see for myself where I stand. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

वात्चिंग वहत इस हप्पेनिंग inside

Another incredible breakthrough book – this book by Dada Gavand on his personal search. It has given me
hope and a fresh lease for my search in my struggle. This trip to Manasarovar and Kailash seems to be a
shock to wake me up from my poor and insufficient attemps to remember myself or do my practices.
And to culminate this physically strenuous trip with this book seem to be a thin rope held out by the
universe to help save my soul. Maybe the last time I may get any such help. So I better hang on to this
momentum and continue to deepen my practise.
Gavande’s book is almost like a déjà vu. I think I did chance upon this book years ago yet it did not
touch me as it does now. And Gavande describes in excruciating detail as to what he did in the
mountain – just watch the movements of his mind. With vigilance and without giving the mind
any escape in terms of analytics or imagination.
It is a fresh new adventure of watching the mind. Like a movie. It seems interesting and exciting.
I need to watch for self deception.

It gives me hope that this is really the technique. Do your kriyas and your yoga to improve the
being and use that energy to just watch the mind. And watch me watching me. Both
Krishnamurthy and Gavand say that the structure of the mind will collapse. With regular sadhana,
it maybe easier to withstand the tougher challenges of standing in front of one’s lack. What is
required to be done is to watch inward and then as one comes face to face with the points
where the ego will give a very tough fight, do conscious labour and intentional suffering.
God give me strength.

for those who wait in sleep

in the reading from Conje today..something leapt out..

" In a sebse tge possibility of evolution exists for everyone, but it is only a potentiality that must be embraced, put into action, and lived by each one. And the possibility depends on those few who have heard the call in the depths of their being. There is only one injustice : not responding to the call I hear under the false pretext that it is not just, because in not responding I diminish the hope for those who wait in sleep. "

Inside Outside

All experiences are internal. External impressions and stimuli are only bridges to enable internal experience. There is no experience that is external.
This would mean really that the external is a reflection of the internal. The sexual attraction for a woman is therefore a bridge to the feminine energy inside us. The external cosmos that we see is really the internal that is reflected outside. Wow.

everything therefore is really a way to perceive our internal states. Like when people irritate us. Its really our internal irritability that is illuminated. Like when we love someone, its really that the person forms a bridge to open the internal love in us.
i guess this is probably the reason for idol worship - the act of worship allows us to reflect upon our own Self indirectly. When we pray to an idol, we are actually reflecting and praying for the Self inside us.

nothing external therefore is real. it is only a projection. wow.
then the only sadhana is to reflect on the Self.
reaching inwards and observing how we can watch the outside and the inside simultaneously - the internal world and the external world reflecting the internal.

Materiality and Consciousness

Ravi talks about the ends of the spectrum - at one end there is pure consciousness with no materiality. At the other end is pure materiality. It appears that materiality is needed to experience consciousness and then less and less of the materiality is needed to experience that consciousness till I assume, consciousness itslef experiences consciousness.
Each time one gets an impression, a conscious impression, I think it gives a glimpse of experiencing the consciousness. But we tend to ascribe the raison d'etre of that experience to the object and repetition of that experience seem to give rise to desire. If we were to however seperate the object that provided a bridge or a vehicle to travel to experience the consciousness from the experience itself, I would think that the nature of the desire could be better explored. I have a feeling that when a man falls in love, or when I fall in love, that woman or the impression she creates, takes me to be in touch with my own consciousness at a deeper level , but I dont seem to see it that way. I am so consumed by it that the process is invisible to me.
Pure awareness without materiality for me, at my level of comprehension seem to be awareness without the imagery of confinment to the body. Yet the complete experience of al pervasiveness of "I" still eludes.

memory bank

The memory would be better understood if we could understand what kinds of memory we store. I wonder if we have a separate box in the head for Visual memory. A separate box for Auditory memory. A box for memory of sensations.
And I am sure there is actually a precise order in which these are pulled up based on the associative impressions and even the interconnect between them. The study of these maybe could free one of these associations and only as a conscious act dig into these and pull them out – currently we don’t seem to have any say in the images or the songs or the sensations that the served up.

Pentland

"sensations allow us to discover energy and vibrations before they have taken form "..( i guess in words or images)

more such insightful quotes from Pentland. It appeared as thought Pentland was engaged with the study of the active and passive forces operating simultaneously to trigger the neutralising force..some quotes again..

" I begin to understand what would be meant, if I were able to be present to it, by the idea of two levels of attention: one that reacts to what is going on mechanically and another attention that is in touch with the presence of myself in the moment. Real responsibility begins when I am present to both these levels at the same time—when I have an attention which is able to hear the call at the same time as it feels the movement of the unconscious parts of myself.
Now of course I’m speaking about something you’re all familiar with. It’s the question of real will. And I hope I can say that we’re all together in front of that question, yourself, and myself, and all of us. It’s a question we all share together. Nobody’s giving the answers. And that’s what a real human question is like.
The first step in responsibility, then, is separation—separation of the energies from the forms they take, separation of essence from personality. And for this process to go on calls for a certain quality of attention which I call non-directive skill. It’s only by developing this quality of attentive engagement that I begin to move towards real individuality.

We don’t understand the importance of our attitude. My attitude at any point is like the sunken part of the iceberg. I start out from the conscious affirmative part which is like the tip. I’m quite surprised—and unprepared—to meet resistance from this unconscious part. Yet my attitude is largely governed by this resistance. You have to see the resistance. You have to be more aware of the wish to not work—at the same time as you are holding the wish to work"

so i dont exist inside..i dont exist outside...my only connection with myself is this sensation as i breathe..is this the only reality? so where am i located? right now only in the sensation? what is this sensation? a clue about my identity..a surrogate..a proxy for something that my mind cannot fathom yet feelings can to a certain degree?

sensation

Pentland says something amazing - Sensation is where the head and he feelings meet.

He says " The point is, the head, which takes in ideas, and the feeling, which takes in scale, can never meet. Sensation is the relating element. How to feel what you think or to think what you feel is through sensation. We practice sensation in a way unrelated; for the head and feeling to meet is . . . only in the body. My head feels all over my body. With the sensation of the body, the head and feeling can come together, and that is the basis for so-called inner life. How to call feeling back. How to call the head back to meet with the feeling is only through sensation, where feeling and thought can come together."

it makes so complete sense.

Feelings takes in scale...its so true..things that the mind cannot contain..large scales..can only be a feeling...

Best before

So what is my use. How do I know the purpose of my incarnation. How do I then do. Without self deception. So I know Im employing my self into this action because this is what I was meant to do. How do I know? I don’t have a label at the back of my head to know my purpose. Im here on an errand. I didn’t ask to come to the world. And I know death is close at hand to call me back. And I need to complete what I was sent for. Only I don’t know what. So my search is to find my purpose. The purpose of my coming to this world. Where do I begin?

Soul sculpture

So life can also be seen as though we are a particle of consciousness, still in the process of being perfected. And we get this body as a tool..and told..hey take this body and perfect the consciousness. Its interesting to see the body like that. As though the whole process of the spiritual success is to use the body that will purify this consciousness. And then the very act of purification changes the body itself and create the chalice into which finer energies can fill up and the action of the body then gets close and closer to sacred action or the will of the divine.

IN New York

In New York. Sipping Chai Tea Latte in Barnes and Nobles. yesterday, a whirlwind discussion with Linda. On packaging experience. a balance between spontaniety and order. new york.sipping tea. smell of the books. in the middle of a packaged experience of all the writers. New york. really makes me want to write a book. its flowing with an artsy energy which is waiting to gurgle into everyone and flush out a book..a film..art..any art..or an invention..anything that the aching heart can deliver without a C section.

smell the coffee

So begins another day. A few didn’t make it till morning. Of course, waking up is a curious phenomena. I seem to feel that we are always awake – but what we call waking up is really filling that awake space with our specific hard drive – with its pre set programs, memories, and virus. Instantly we have personalized this Universe when we wake up.
I wake up. I see the bright light, greens, a thought enters leading to a million others. Reality around me is quickly replaced. My eyes see but my mind does not. So it’s a strange seeing. Even what my eyes see is not fresh. Im not even sure if Im seeing the tree in front of me. Or is this an image that has been loaded into my brain – the image of a tree and I don’t see the tree in front of me. Is this the magic that the Impressionist painters discovered. Found a way in which they could fight back the inner images and capture a true seeing?
So what is reality – if everything is a personal interpretation? And who is experiencing the reality? Or is the experiencer the only reality? How do we go back to the experiencer? Where is the experiencer? Where did he come from ? When did he ( or I?) start experiencing? And what is experiencing for me? A sensation ? A feeling? An image? And why is there such an ache to find all this?

Is this the crushing pain that comes from realising that the reality on the basis of which we built a whole life is unreal? It’s a movie set l? Is it about freedom. Freedom from unreal? Freedom to know oneself and thereby live in dignity.

Interface with the illusion

There are moments when there is a clear sense of the separation from the "reality". Visual impressions seem to appear like projections in the inside of the head. Increaingly it appears that sensation is the key. Sensation without imagery. Imagery, it appears is the biggest villian and the biggest barrier to the understanding and "seeing". Consistent sensation seem to help to keep the images away - but it is so fascinating to see that without imagery the brain seem to have difficulty experiencing. Even in a massage, I see that the sensation of one's feet being massaged cannot be separated the image of the feet being massaged. Just experiencing the pure sensation of the massage seem so difficult. But once that barrier is crossed, sensation then opens up a new relationship to the reality around. The relationship with the body then becomes the sensation. I sometimes sense that this relationship with the body is really a small spot in the brain and the rest is made up of imagery.
Nisargadatta talks about a practice that we just have to belive that we are not the body. Gurdjieff says that we must use the imagination to intially practice that the reality is that I am. Stephen Jourdain says "The Central rivet of the hallucination is nothing other than the absolute belief in myself in the act of producing a thought of dreaming this or that. ….if people corrected the way they situate themselves they would eliminate 98% of their problems. Then they would be in the zenith of their dream and close to bursting it".
Then Dzogchen texts mentions - "But then, one might ask, how does samsara arise? How does one enter the dualistic vision that is the cause of transmigrations? If, at the moment the energy of the base manifests, one does not consider it something other oneself and one recognizes one's own state as the indivisibility of essence, nature and potentiallity of energy, the movement of energy self-liberates...understanding the essence that is the very nature of primordial enlightenment".

So it appears that the practice is to constantly plug into being in this space of sensation in the heart where one is constantly reiterating to oneself the "unreality" of things around us - visual, thoughts, emotions.

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire. This looks like a very fast centre. The sight of a woman, a pretty woman moves the “read-write” head of the brain to the sexual centre in the head and immediately releases a chemical that gives a sensation that is “agreeable”. I see sometimes that the stimuli is iconic. The shape of the woman, hair, even the voice automatically leads to this movement in the brain. Images from the brain stored from past memories, movies, and pictures are instantly fitted and the movement to the “happy centre of the brain” is made. This is so damn quick. It seems the hardwire is so strong.
Sometimes this is without stimuli. You wake up in the morning feeling this ache, this sensation. This appears to me as the ache of the soul wanting to know itself. When it is temporarily freed from the bedlam of noises or from the hammering of the self calming mechanisms we employ like smoking, drinking, movies, plays and so on that down its voice. So I wake up. And the ache is felt. The brain I have experienced immediately goes to the imagination centre and picks up a story, a face, a person to whom the attention is directed to and then a fantasy happens. Sometimes it leads to spent itself in sex or masturbation. Again this is so hard wired. I watch the brain quickly do this. It seems like a quick fix to get the ache to stop. I think each time there is an ache – do watch a movie, to have sex, to fall in love, it is the call. For me to respond to it as a responsible human being, I need to teach the brain to take the “read- write” head to the source of the ache. To put my ear close to that source and hear it. I cant be downing that noise with something louder. I need to be there. Stay with the ache. Not with commentary. Not with judgment. Just listen to it with my heart. Feel it. And try to understand its language. With complete attention.