To be Put in one's place

Increasingly I can see that I am not doing anything. Peculiarly, instead of feeling happy, I feel an acute sadness. I do not feel the gratitude of serving something higher. 

Instead I dont find meaning in whatever I do. I feel that I am being micro managed and dont feel any sense of freedom or free will. The conscience or the "instruction receiving centre" receives an order, and I comply and help make it happen. I can see clearly that putting any kind of expectation on the fruits of labour is a useless activity firstly because the timing of that fruits I never know and secondly the fruits of labour actually come in a form and manner that I never expected but completely fulfilled what my needs were. 

I thought I willl be happy seeing all this. But sir, I feel very useless, a puppet and very small. I dont count at all. I am like cheap labour. My own wishes dont matter - because I get from the divine not what I want but what it knows I need and its gifts are indeed magical surprises.

So neither having a wish seem to matter not going after anything using that wish as a force seem to matter. All that seem to be my job is to wait in attendance and then just run and do whatever is 'told' to me. 

Any planning I do, is only to make me feel engaged. Even as I make plans, I see its futility but I do plan because it is an obligation and a road map towards that point when the plan has to be thrown out and wait for the universe to play out its larger game.

I still know know the source of my sadness. It is in some sense maybe a feeling of not being used to the fullest potential with intelligence and skill that seem to have been given to me through the body and life of Harish,  that I need to 'live' in this incarnation. I feel more like a mule who just needs to do as told and not to 'use my brains". 

The taste of this suffering is quite alien to me hence don't know how to cope. If it was anger or complete loss of faith in the wisdom of the universe, it would have been easier to deal with, but here there is acute faith and clear seeing,  but sense that my suffering may be due to "my" reluctance to be  under such a complete subordination to forces that I can see are so large and powerful. I feel impotent. It pains me so much to see that I dont matter and that I have to 'live' this life like this from now on.