Till the Work Period

Found my Partkdolg Duty from now to the Work period. May god give me strength. Let this be not 'my' work but what is needed to be done thru me. Let the inner lovemaking commence. replacing all else. the denying source holds the key. So the inner child can be born.

To sing along

It appears to me that the world runs in a manner that is quite fascinating. The initial impulse of action seem to come from us – and this impulse is based on our wishes, ambitions, fears, desires, self importance. Then there appears to be a will of the Universe, a definite plan by which there is a design being sought to be put into fruition. The universe seems to use the initial impulse of our personal action and then controls it towards what it wants to finally achieve.
At our personal levels these appear to be successes or failures, happiness or sadness, achievements and disappointments. But in a larger scale these probably are only the execution elements of the Universal plan. Like say we want to build a dam and then channels to guide the waters to the various villages and then the fields within those villages. If the river had dreams of its own to travel to other villages or other fields, these would be termed as disappointments. We would have a sad river who had wishes of its own but kept getting barriers and over time it changed course to avoid the barriers so it could continue on its own personal path. At our level we just executed an architect's plan of a dam. But if the river’s personal wishes were exactly coinciding with our plans, then of course the river would be contented and happy.

The secret seems then to be, to kind of read the language of where the Universe is nudging us to do its will and pretty much go there. So what happens to personal wishes? They are real..feel real.

On the other hand the question is, why do we have this dichotomy? Why were’nt we programmed such that our wishes were only that the Universe wished us to have ? I guess like the mango tree that grows mangoes or the tiger that hunts and kills. Therein I think lies the mystery and privilege of a human life. We have an option of a small choice. Why is that given to us?


…My heart longs to join in thy song,
But vainly struggles for a voice’
I would speak, but
Speech breaks not into song,
And I cry out baffled….
-Tagore

Balance Sheet

It is interesting to read that the vivifyingness of the vibrations of the energy from food happens only after it crosses the note "Sol". Sol as per Gurdjieff is in the Cerebellum. The Do is in the Stomach, Re is in the Duodenum, Mi in the Liver, Fa in the hemispheres of the head-brain and Sol in the Cerebellum. Then interesingly La it seems "passes thru the nerve nodes of the spine and the breast to form the sperm in men and eggs in the ovaries.

Sol in Cerebellum is interesting. It is the point where the body balances. And balancing is a continuous activity. Almost like the Buddha's middle path. Or like Gurdjieff have been to have remarked ..its easier to go either extreme. Total silence or total fasting. Attention is needed when we speak only what is needed and eat only what is needed for example. This requires our active participation. This the the Sol.
So then what is my Sol with respect to my relationships? What is asked of me? what is the balance I seek? is it the balance between love and attachment ?

Watcher

It now seems that the only task is to watch. Watching seems to be the only responsibility. It appears that the duration and the quality of watching is a function of the amount of energy one accumulates. Hence Sadhana. To create more energy and to reduce energy leakage.

S1 12 and being Exioehary from Beelzebub

Beelzebub calls Si12 being Exioehary. And then he talks about abstinence and the results thereon.
Page 807
"The result of these serious pnderings of theirs was that the conviction at first arose in them that this self perfection could probably be actualised by itself by ejection from oneself in the customary manner these substances formed in them called sperm....

..and it was only the second generation of them who ultimately, after long conscious observation and intensive active mentations, categorically understood that this was indeed possible, exclusively on the condition of a ceaseless fulfillment of Partkdolg-duty..

and he goes on saying that monks who abstain but does not perform their conscious labours and intentional suffering either go fat or go very thin.
Mme De salzmann says about energy."...if its not taken by the higher, its taken by the lower." And this can mean all kinds of imagination, restless of the body and so on.
Unconscious and involuntary process of the Exioehary indeed is disatrous and dangerous.

Language of the Universe

Chosing the right action,, it appears is about trying to learn the language of the universe. The only way to learn it, it appears is through trial and error. Krishnamurti says that only when we watch our thoughts arise can we truly be free of the control, of mechanicality, of past templates of action based on reactions.
So what is right action? The action that the Universe wishes to get done through me? And how do I sense where this urge/impulse is coming from? On one hand there is the pull of the ego, and all actions designed to preserve the personality and on the other hand the urges coming from the Universe? How do I understand this language of the urges?

How do I see things with more and more impartiality? Maybe use mediums of perception that cannot be manipulated and corrupted by the mind? Like the sensation of the body and feelings?

On Losing Control

J Krishnamurti..

"One must inquire into the whole problem of control. Most of us try to control our responses our reactions; we try to suppress or to shape our desires.....So can you live a life without single control? - which does not mean induldging in whatever you want. Please put a question to yourself: can you live a life - which is at present so disastrous, so mechanical so repetitive - without a single sense of control? This can only happen when you perceive with complete clarity; when you give your attention to every thought that arises-not just indulge in thought.

When you give such complete attention then you will find out that you can live without the the conflict that arises from control.

What am I the food of ?

It is interesting to read about what Gurdjieff had to speak about classification of consciousness based on firstly what a creature eats, secondly by what it breathes and finally by the medium he breathes.

Man feeds on H768 (food), breathes H192(air), and lives in H192(air). A worm feeds on H1536 ( say coarse flour..coarser than say the rotis we eat), breathes H192(air) and lives in H1536.
A fish feeds on H1536, breathes H192 and lives in H 384(water).
A tree feeds on H 1536, breathes partly H96/partly H192 and lives in H3072(soil).

Humans cannot directly eat H1536 which worms or lamb or fish can.
Therefore it is possible to say that the intelligence of a matter is determined by the creature for whom it can serve as food. Therefore for eg..a baked potato has more intelligence than a raw potato?

So how do i become food of the gods? How do I bake well so the gods eat me?

Man's food is H 768. This he cannot change. He breathes H192. This he cannot change. But what is can improve is in intake of "impressions" and this way intake finer impressions into his organism. A man is not obliged to take in the dull impressions of H48. He can have H24, H12, H6 and even H3. This changes the whole picture..for those who produce and feed their factory finer hydrogens..will be different from those who feed their machine will less finer hydrogens..

and so the more i bake, the more i would take in nourishment from finer and finer hydrogens..and feed the gods..?

"I am food, I am food, I am food! I am the eater of food, I am the eater of food, I am the eater of food! I am the uniter, I am the uniter, I am the uniter" - Taitriya Upanishad.

Sacrificing suffering

...quote from Ouspensky as told to him by G. "Another thing the people must sacrifice is their suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will never give up his suffering...."

what does that mean...to sacrifice one's suffering..? is it freedom from self pity? or is there anything more in this..?

why is the word sacrifice used...is there something voluntary here as opposed to running away?

Octaves and Chakras

Interesting talk by Sri sri where he talks about the emotional aspect of the energy at different chakras.

At the (Base of spine)Mooladhara - the energy manifests as either activity or passivity.

At (perinium) Swadishtana - it takes on the manifestation of sexual sensations

At (Navel) Manipura - it manifests as Jealousy or Generosity

At (Heart) Anahata - it manifests as Love or hate

At (THroat) Vishudhi - it manifests as Gratitude or Sadness (catch in the throat?)

At (eyebrow centre) Ajna - it manifests as Awareness or Anger

At (top of the head/fonataine) Sahasrara - its pure joy.

It is amazing to see that in each chakra we can see the manifestation of the descending the ascending octaves -one with a lower emotion and the other with a higher..and the sex centre is even more interesting. seems to be an intersection point.

Who is?

Kabir says O Sadhu! God is the breath of all breath.

Who is breathing..?

Who is watching..?


Is attention the tongue on which we taste all experiences?

Food Factory - THanx to Anu

Ignore button

I seem to have an ignore button..whose job is to quickly sweep under the carpet any impression falling on my. When I caught the bastard in the act, it was amazing. There is a constant stream of impressions coming to me..be it the impression of a stranger or the impression of a planeful of people as I enter an aircraft..or inward shrinking to avoid touching people in a crowd. And for a millisecond i experience it. VEry clearly. And then before it gets registered into me consciously, the Ignore button appears and very clearly says "ignore this" and its gone.

And therefore my life is lived partially!

So constant vigilance..for the Ingore button

Partaking of the sensations of the body

How can I continue to get an unending stream of sense impressions from the body? How Do i remember to sense my body all the time?

Quote from Pentland "I need to come back to the work of sensation because the container is coated in me through the transformation of my energies. And this transformation cannot take place at the level of my functioning—the forms that this energy takes. As long as I’m taken by that level, there can be no transformation.

So I begin to discover through the work of sensation that I can be aware of energy and vibration before they have taken form.

And this is the first step towards that transformation by which a container could exist for my inner life, which would give me the opportunity to study the appearance of the forces that act through these energies."

Sensation exercises

Dr. Kenneth Walker

"At a very much later date the great importance of the faculty of attention in our work was again brought home to us. This was after Ouspensky's death, when some of us went over to Paris to study under G himself. G immediately taught us a number of exercises in muscle-relaxing and in what he called 'body-sensing', exercises which were and still are of greatest value to us. We were told to direct our attention in a predetermined order to various sets of muscles, for example, those of the right arm, the right leg, the left leg and so on, relaxing them more and more as we come round to them again; until we have attained what we feel to be the utmost relaxation possible for us. Whilst we were doing this we had at the same time to 'sense' that particular area of the body; in other words to become aware of it. We all know, of course, that we possess limbs, a head and a body, but in ordinary circumstances we do not feel or sense them. But with practice the attention can be thrown on to any part of the body desired, the muscles in that particular area relaxed, and sensation from that region evoked. At the word of inner command the right ear is 'sensed', then the left ear, the nose, the top of the head, the right arm, right hand and so on, until a 'sensation' tour has been made of the whole body. The exercise can, if required, be rendered still more difficult by counting backwards, by repeating strings of words or by evoking ideas at the same moment that the relaxing and sensing is being carried out.

"The question may well be asked: 'What benefit can possibly result from learning all these yogi tricks with the body?' This is not difficult to answer. There are three reasons for doing such exercises as these: the first is that it is excellent training for the attention; the second that it teaches a person how to relax; and the third that it produces a very definite inner psychic change. This change can be summed up in the statement that the exercise draws together parts of our mechanism which previously had been working disconnectedly. But external descriptions of these valuable exercises and of the results obtained from them are quite useless. They can only be understood by personal experience of them, a fact which emphasizes once again the impossibility of imparting knowledge of this kind in a book. All special exercises of this kind have to be taught by word of mouth, and, so far as I know, they have never been committed to writing.

Ouspensky's Chemical Factory

Hydrogen 12, Sex Centre and so on by Ouspensky

quotes from Page 257 ISOM - ouspensky.

What is meant by mechanicalness with respect to sex energy ?

Everything that people do is connected with sex. Politics, religion, art, theatre, music, is all sex. Do you think people go to the theatre or church to pray or to see some play? That is only for the sake of appearances. The principal thing is that theatre as well in the church is that there will be lots of women and lots of men.

Mechanicalness is especially dangerous when people try to explain it by something else and not what it really is. When sex is clearly conscious of itself and does not cover itself up anything else. ..On the contrary sex which exists by itself(without self image? fantasies?) and is not dependant on anything else is already a great achievement.

What is si 12 and its role ?

Hydrogen Si 12 is the hydrogen which represents the final product of the transformation of food in the human organism.This is the matter with which sex works. And which sex manufactures. It is the Seed and the Fruit.

What is the “dual nature” of the shock at Si 12?

Hydrogen Si 12 can pass into the Do of the next octave with the help of an additional shock. But this shock can be of a dual nature and different Octaves can begin. One outside the organism and one in the organism iself.

The union of male and female Si 12.constitutes the shock of the First kind and the new octave begins with its help and develops independently as a new life. This is the natural way the use the energy of Si 12.

But in the same organism there is a further possibility

What is the further possibility?

This is the possibility of creating a new life “Within” the organism in which the S1 12 has been manufactured, without the union of the two principles, the male and the female.
A new octave then develops within the organism not outside it. This is the birth of the Astral Body. You must understand that the astral body is born of the same material of the same matter as the physical body, only the process is different.

How is the Astral Body created?

The whole of the physical body all its cells are so to speak permeated by emanations of the matter Si12. And when they have become sufficiently saturated the matter Si12 begins to crystalise. The crystallization of this matter constitutes formation of the “Astral Body.”( is this what the tantric practices aim for?) Formation of the Astral Body is possible only in a healthy normally functioning organism.

So is complete sexual abstinence the answer?
Firstly sexual abstinence is necessary for transmutation only in certain cases that is for certain types of people.
For others it is not at all necessary.
For certain types a long and complete sexual abstinence is necessary for transmutation to begin. But once it has begun abstinence is no longer necessary.
In other cases it does not require abstinence but once begun, tansmutation takes all the sexual energy putting an end of normal sexual life or the outward expenditure of sexual energy.

So is sexual abstinence useful for Work or Not ?
It is useful if abstinence is in ALL CENTRES. If there is abstinence is in one Centre and full liberty of imagination in the others, then there could be nothing worse. Further abstinence is useful only if the man knows what to do with the energy he saves in this way. Otherwise nothing can be gained.

What is abuse of the sex centre ?
It means wrong work of the centres in relation to sex. That is action of sex centre through other centres and action of other centres through the sex centre. Or the action of the sex centre from the energy borrowed from the other centres or the action of other centres from the energy borrowed from the sex centre.

Can you explain little more?
Remember that sex centre works with Hydrogen 12. This means that it is stronger and quicker than other centres.The energy of the sex centre that is not used remains and passes on to the other centres. Finding expression for itself through them. ( As Mme De Salzman would say if its not taken by the higher it will be taken by the lower).
The energy of the sex centre in the work of the thinking, emotional and moving centre can be recognized by a particular “taste”, by a vehemence which the affair concerned does not call for.

What must be done to struggle against the “abuse of sex” ?
Right work on neself begins with the creation of a permanent centre of gravity. The role of the sex centre in creation of a permanent centre of gravity can be very BIG. According to its energy, that is to say, if it uses its own energy(meaning I think, just being conscious of it as itself and not thru another centre) the sex centre stands on a level with the higher emotional centre. This alone will indicate a comparatively high level of being. And in this case if the sex centre worked with its own energy and in its own place, all other centres could work correctly in their places and with their own energies.



Can sex be regarded as an independent centre?
It can. And if ALL THE LOWER STOREY IS TAKEN AS ONE WHOLE,THEN SEX CAN BE REGARDED AS THE NEUTRALISING PART OF THE MOVING CENTRE.

Quote

Two similar quotes :-

Man is not a note. He is a complete octave. His feet on the ground and his head in the heavens.

Now here's a quote that is so amazing " May your roots find water and the leaves the sun".

Right now

Right now, I can sense a suffering. Its closest physical aspect is a kind of a ache in the nerves. Is this like stuff given to me to purify? While I feel the ache, I dont feel the resistance or the need to escape this. I watch the ache. Then I watch the "I". And wonder. What the hell is all this? THe I quickly now does not exist. Just the ache and the awareness of the ache. Then if I disappears, then what is the focal point and the starting point of all activity? Like breathing. Who is breathing? Am I passive as I watch or is there a part of me that is also doing? What is the form of me who is the passive watcher? Am I formless? All I know is I exist..or if I is imaginary..then existence is? what the hell is all this..

EavesDropping

Can I hear my voice while speaking or reading ?

Can I overhear my thoughts while Im thinking?

-Pentland

Energy aspect of material

Lord Pentland says "Seeing is the energy aspect of material. Not the forms aspect."

How can i experience this world from the energy aspect of materials, as opposed to the form aspect?

Is this by sensation? Each time a visual - happy, sad, sensual, cruel - strikes my eye ? In addition to the forms aspect that is captured by the senses can i sense its trace on my body?

Is this also something to do with the place of my "I" ?

And then the non-visual imagery - taste of food, dreams,thoughts and so on..?

How can I now include the energy aspect of everything I experience on the material?

Wake up insights from Lord Pentland

"Seeling mechanicalness as a force".

"There are different qualities of attention."

"You need to observe your attention.."

"The wish is your only initiative"

"If a method is fixed it cant be active ".

New Direction - Guidance from Universe

I continue to get incredible support from the Universe.
Excerpt from Lord Pentland.

Question :Would you suggest that one select some aim in the morning some proper method to pursue to accomplish development of essence ?

Answer: I dont see how your question relates-making the same old good intention. What is not mechanical about what you say?....

Then a quote.. (maybe on a question of what do we work on..?)

" We study ourselves in relation to sleep and waking...."


Then..."nothing resulted in attempting too much.."

It appears that the search itself cannot be mechanical at this stage for me. Mechanical from a stand point of tasks versus achievement. Its now got to be intuitive and really to study how alive or asleep I am at all time. Yet I need an anchor frm self deception. The body can be of help. Witnessing and sensing. In a way setting it the way it is formulated also is mechanical. What is not mechanical I guess cannot be formulated.

New DIrection for my search

In a Group meeting Michel De Salzmann said that the Higher needs to act on myself. THis is more important than myself making efforts and the like, as Ouspensky emphasises.

The Latter is more exoteric, it is all right in the beginning and not later.

Ouspensky does not talk about sensations,movements or attention. So the work may become psychological.

Now something new is needed.

Receptive Attention

Rather than Active effort or

Wrong Super Effort.

In another meeting with Michel,I mentioned to him that I was thinking of writing on ahimsa, non-violation and yagna, sacrifice and exchange of energies between levels. He said that he has been much interested in NON MANIPULATIONS and how to

LET THE HIGHER HAVE AN ACTION UPON ONESELF.

This is where he feels that an emphasis on Effort, Super Effort and such can be MISLEADING.

Sacrifice of one's ego-self allows an exchange with higher levels. THis is the real issue of effort.

It cannot be spoken about but needs to be practiced in response to a conscious demand.

(-Ravi Ravindra ..Heart without Measure)

Eye for I

The lower I - that seem to be accompanied by the self image and the personality is an interesting study.

There seems to be certain energies that the physical body comes in contact with with help from the lower I.

FOr example the pleasure waves that surges inside the body when one receives attention or praise. It appears that without this lower I, sexual orgasm would be impossible. FEar too.

Then do wen need the lower or fake I to have any experience of any sort?

I feel that thankfully that there experiences that dont need the lower I - the personality. Like sensation of joy when one eats a delicious mango or a sweet, the joy of a massage, the pleasure of a perfume..

HEre there is pure sensation. I guess that is why the Work keeps a lot of focus on sensations. It appears more objective.

Between effort and letting go

It has been a week of torment. One one end, I feel my time is running out. Im not trying enough. Ive not put my life on the line for my search. And then so much clarity from Ravi-ji.

"Dying to oneself is not easy. It is dying to all my habits, accumulations and the whole of my past, dying to everything I know and have experienced. But none of this can be forced. Nor can it be undertaken with ambition as an ego project.

To some extent a deep-seated letting go is needed--almost as if I am not responsible for my life, my activities or my spiritual development.

I did not bring myself here. I could not possibly be here without the agreement, or even connivance, of the higher forces. So it is their concern and their problem. They can do with me what they wish and what they determine I need."

So this is what I need to practice. A DEEP SEATED LETTING GO. SO THE HIGHER FORCES WHO SENT ME HERE CAN DO WHAT THEY WISH TO DO WITH ME.

So then what is the RIGHT ACTION from my side ? Here Ravi-ji says.

"This is not a call to laziness or to resignation. It is much more a freedom from ego ambition. I accept myself as I am, not what I should be, and then I listen to the higher forces--which is the same as listening to deeper parts in myself--and I try to bend as they suggest.

Gradually I begin to see that dying to myself is dying to my habits of thought and feeling, to my self-importance, to my fears and to my suffering."

And then he talks about the way in which we practice this so it becomes a NEW WAY.

"Maybe I will die like a dog. Even this has to be accepted. Becoming anxious about it is not going to help. Disgust with the world or with myself and with the low-level quality of my efforts and my wiggling out or with my safety nets can impel me to work harder a little, but this does not have sufficient energy. What is needed is more and more opening to higher, and therefore more suitable and more potent, energy.

As Patañjali says in the Yoga Sutras, higher vairagya comes from a vision of Purusha; then something fundamental settles in my attitude towards the world and towards the worldly ambitions and fears in myself."

AND THEN HE SUMMARISES THE SEARCH WHICH FOR ME NOW IS A GOSPEL FOR THE FUTURE.

"We will not cease searching--sometimes with hesitation, sometimes with great impulse. Ours is only the search. We do not know whether we will reach the destination or not. We don't know what the destination is; we simply imagine it. Perhaps our imagination is based on what we have read in the scriptures or what we have heard from the sages. This imagination cannot be free of our own fears and ambitions. The fact is that we do not know. So we listen to ourselves again--and your e-mail is an expression of that listening and sharing with fellow searchers--and not lose heart; we stand up and begin our journey once again. We were brought here when the time was right, and we will be taken away when the time will be right. Then we will recommence our journey from where we will be at that time.

Ours is a journey without end. The end is either for the buddhas or for the dead stones. You and I are alive and we will persist--wondering, questioning, searching, resting periodically and then walking again."


Oh What Grace !

Rite Now

Having experienced the joy of present moment it is hard to not to want to repeat it. This happened when I landed at Hyderabad airport and suddenly there was this excitement of watching what will happen next in my life. It was like watching a reality show not knowing what next. Sometimes a face pops up, a car passes by, the cell fone rings. It was an amazing experience. I wonder why I often kill this by getting lots in thoughts.

Weight of the body

It appears that the weight of the body on my being is something that I am not conscious of. Its like a sound in the background that I have become so used to that I stop noticing it. Sensation appears to be the way to probably separate the body and the being and therefore sense the weight that the being is dragging along. It’s a different experience of sensation when one is sensing the body as a weight on the being as against sensing the body from within.

I guess this is probably what is meant by meditation. To create the internal silence so these entangled impressions can be de tangled and therefore towards a more truthful response.

Body

How does one engage with the body in the journey to understand the "I" ? In any case the body seems to be the first port of call. It seems to be the first within reach. I now feel the weight of the body. Its salty taste. Right now. Now what? Feel the difference between the "I" and this body? When will I be able to experientially break the knot of the inner imagery of being the body? Permanently? and escape death by dying before hand.

Attention

Michelle Salzmann talked about Attention being the real I. Everything else is given - the body by the planet and the mind and thoughts by society and its conditioning.

What I get in Grace I pay back in attention.

Silence is..

Some Glimmer of hope. The last week, there were a couple of moments when there was actual inner attention while speaking. Still a long way off. Still catching myself once the speech is over. But there is hope and will report here to track progress.

The Octave of the Sexual Energy

So here's a live experiment for me to sense the movement of my sexual energy Octave.

Starting point: 9th March : Orgasm
Octave : Do is the Resolve to maintain a resistance to physical release of sexual tension.
Today : Resolve is strong. We are probably in Do or Do Re.

To watch for : Mi - Fa : Where the resistance will be under pressure and the interval must be crossed.

Reporting : Everyday.
Task : Avoid Sexual Impressions and watch the movement of the sexual current in the body.

Date : April 5th.

Reporting:

Was on a low sex drive since ORgasm. Initial impulse form Orgasm was of no more Orgasm.

Then MArch 12th Orgasmed again. But initial Impluse changed to intensifying Sex Drive.
Intense suffering till April 3rd. Then now Impulse calmed down.

Looks like the April 3rd was when I crossed the Fa. I am not sure which is the Do here. is this the first Orgasm on March 9 or the one on Mar 12th.

Considering that the initial impulse changed, I think a new Octave crossed over on the 12th and that must be the Do.

So in terms of number of days the Mi Fa Gap for me is from March 12th to April 3rd. That is 22 days.


Now if I apply the ratios
24 27 30 32 36 40 45 48

do re mi fa Sol La Si Do

The Octave will last for 46 days. Theoretically. So that means the Octave will last till 27 th April.

The next shock will be on the 5th Stopinder. at Sol. Which will be around 20th April.

April 23rd: I can see that the sexual energy is on the rise again. This could be the Sol and if used for Internal Purposes as mentioned in Beelzebub, it will produce internal results. For me, this is to sublimate the energy with Kundalini Yoga. With the grace of all the forces.

May 5th. Sexual energy is on the ebb from an internal sense. There are external stimuli that bring in sudden peaks but overall the energy is not all burning and consuming

God Help me

The Life is burning bright in this decaying body. Will this be a life wasted? Why am I not Working Hard? Dont I see the Terror of my Existence? Death is always round the corner. Dont I need to get aquainted with Death instead of suddenly finding myself without moorings of the 'identity' and the "body" at the point of death and then Thrashing away madly? Esp when the Thrashing is attachment to something that i know is a fiction..

God Help me. To stay with the Iam more and more times a day. God help me with the strength to stand firm and not run away when opportunities for tearing away the false masks of my personality arises. God help me my giving me the insight before the body goes back to its mother earth.

Reminder

I can see that I am forgetting my aims, my practices. Days are passing by. I dont see the terror of my existence. I seek shortcuts. God please help me.

I go back to getting the taste of my personality in interraction with others. This means sensing the impression of faces and people around me.
Then hear the sound of my voice as I speak.
Then speak consciously. Awareness and sensation on the throat.

New Organs

The Third Ear...Hearing from the Third Ear

The Intelligence of the Heart

Wings in the Coffin

In the dead of night, a Sufi began to weep.
He said, "This world is like a closed coffin, in which
We are shut and in which, through our ignorance,
We spend our lives in folly and desolation.
When Death comes to open the lid of the coffin,
Each one who has wings will fly off to Eternity,

But those without will remain locked in the coffin.
So, my friends, before the lid of this coffin is taken off,
Do all you can to become a bird of the Way to God;
Do all you can to develop your wings and your feathers."



(Farid ud Din Attar, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut - 'Perfume of the Desert' )

Status Feb 10th

It has been about 14 days - 2 weeks after the Work period. I can see that my initial momentum in terms of speaking consciously and hearing my self speak is dying down. But It is better than before the work period. I probably have another few days to etch this inside my consciousness permanently before it dies out. And to listen to my Voice as i spoke.

Today in the reading of Beelzebub I could intermittently listen to my voice as I read from the text. I could sense that Im using this body as a musical instrument like a flute or a saxophone. Im reading "thru" this body. And then as though this body is a magic machine, where it recognizes text and converts them to voice.

As I speak I must continue to remember the role of my body. And my right engagement with it.

Pursue the Truth.

on lease

Ive been such a fool. The body belongs to the planet. Is run and governed by the nature that runs that planet. And to think that I owned and governed it ! The planet breathes it. Manages and controls every cell. I don’t know dick about this body. And then it comes – like it did last night and pulled out all the sexual vitality from me, as I was asleep.
It is like I was living in a house that I thot was mine. I didn’t know a damn thing about the house. Where it came from and who built the house. Maybe I know a little- where the switches are maybe..i figured out how to use some of the appliances. I just found myself living in the house. I find the house getting cleaned, laundry done, rent paid – and I never even wondered how it was getting done.
It was all staring at my face and im so stupid that I didn’t realize that I just didn’t own the house..didnt run it. Some one else owned the house. He ran it. I just happened to be there. Don’t know from where I came. And where I need to go from this house.
The owner is damn sweet. Did everything very quietly and silently as though I would get embarrassed if I found out that I was just a trespasser. So much compassion and understanding.
But today morning, when I realized that someone had entered the house and extracted from the house, what I thought was my body, the sexual fluids which I thought I had kept under my lock and key, I realized that I don’t hold any key. The key is of the owner. I imagined I had a key. The house is not mine. Now everything falls into place. My breathing. My body functions. Nothing is being done by me. The house is being managed without me.
I need to now leave. Im so embarrassed but Im grateful to have found this. I have to find my own house. I have to open the door and step out. Stop looking at this house from the outside and longingly try beautifying i

Personality

There is now a task of watching the personality as it comes up when I speak.
Mme De Salzmann says “We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.”
She then says towards the end-“ They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences”

Now again Mme De Salzmann also says “ Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the “other”.
Can I sense this when I speak to people. See them as they see me as the other? This may be a powerful exercise.

God pls help me.

Mme De Salzman - (These are words from another level altogether!)

1950 – Mme De Salzmann

Why can we not digest impressions? What could this mean? Where do our impressions fall? Never on our essence. The personality always reacts, functioning like a wall from where the impressions rebound. This is the kundabuffer-a wall between the outer world and reality. Personality steals the food of the inner child.

We can oppose this tendency as we talk. The personality has to stay in the background passively. As our machine speaks, and we hear ourselves speaking, we could see personality and we can oppose it.

You do not understand the relationship among yourselves because you do not understand the relationship with your work. The relationship among yourselves are a little better now than in the past years, but then it could not have been any worse. You have to remember your relationship with your aim. Try to stop when reacting mechanically and remember a place inside yourself, the place of the ideal and the aim. Then again there can be a relationship between you and your aims and ideals. Then you will eat differently, you will walk differently. More passions is needed. You have to remember yourself more often. When you are in a right relationship with your aim, only then could you be in a right relationship with each other. The way you are now you cannot work together.

“Why am I here?” There are two possible answers. “Well, I cam here because it was oferred.? The other deeper, reason is my search and my relationship to this work. Finally, I do not know who is it that came. I do not know the one that came.

When I understand this then I can begin to understand the meaning of my being here. I am here to get to know myself, and all the circumstances in which I find myself are a help for this purpose. From then on I take everything differently. I discover that I am not alone. And I begin to understand that I am fortunate to have an opportunity to get to know myself through my relationship with others.

If I am here, I know well that it is, first of all because it was offered to me, and this serves an inner need which has been partially discovered. But starting from this, what could have I offered to myself? What could be my deepest reason for coming here? What am I searching for? New impressions. What kind and for what purpose? This I did not know. And I needed help to find in myself the echo of a deeper and more real reason. And to find the thirst for the question Who am I? –everywhere and under all circumstances- and to recognize the impossibility of discovering this by myself. Alone, that is not possible. My trying becomes automatic, my effort quickly gets lost in lies, my understanding becomes dull if it is not vivified by an influence whose materiality is finer.

Under these circumstances there is a searcher’s group around a center, which is more alive and meaningful. A group are the other. What it mean the others? What are these others representing to me? What am I expecting from them? Is it enough just to tolerate them? Not possible to avoid their presence?

But these ‘others’ first of all are like me. Yes, they are my neighbours. And not only because they have two eyes, one nose,two ears, and generally because they look and behave like me. But besides the feeling of belonging to the same species, there is a unity of search, of interest and its direction with most members of my group. This cannot escape my attention.

They are like me, but they are different. How are they different? I have to be open to this; I have to let in the impressions coming from them, so that I can understand how are they different from me and I from them. This is one of the obvious aspects of the search for knowing myself. The others help me to feel who I am, and to have a taste of the differences.

Besides this I have to understand that to the others I am the other. Until this touches me, a large part of my search is closed off from me. I am the other for him. And to myself also am I not sometimes an other? A stranger. Sometimes, I can even see that this unknown being, this stranger, is much more I than I take myself to be all day.

Simultaneous inward and outward look

How does one simultaneously keep an attention inside as well as outside ? Not when one
is silent but when one is talking to someone. The personality or the limited ego is so sharply
dominating when one is talking to someone. Either in person or on the phone. The other
strong moment is when a woman looks at you. That attention is probably the strongest
moment when one’s ego and personality comes out sharpest. One forgets ones self
awareness. The power of getting attention from the female is a powerful force. It is a
n lethal piece of programming by nature and I guess this is why the initiates in the
Buddhist religion are taught not to meet the eyes of the opposite sex. It’s a bit like
lifting heavy weights before your muscles are all ready.

Carrying the body

Im carrying a bag on my shoulders. I can sense the weight of the bag. When Im talking to
someone or when im walking on the road thinking about something, there is this constant
nag of the weight of the bag on my body.
I feel that the weight of the body on the being is like the weight of the bag on the body.
I can sense this weight. There is always a contact point with it. But it is so heavy and
dominating that I can only feel the body as though that’s the only thing hanging on to me.
I need to sense this. The body. And that should be easy since this body seems to be constantly
stuck to me from all sides ! Just sensing the body will allow me to be in right alignment with
the body. Right relationship. And understand some thing more about myself, that freedom
from the body dominating this presence so completely allows me to.

Reposing in the Self

What is meant by reposing in the Self. Or constantly try to be with with Self.
It seems to be that once stays with pure awareness. The point between the in
breath and the out breath for me seems to be a point where I can sense that
point – the meeting point of me and the self. So I repose at that point. T
he meeting is associated with a feeling..a nice feeling..as tho there is a
sensation of nerve that is getting stimulated.

coating of consciousness

It seems to appear that I anoint every object with my consciousness.
It is my consciousness or awareness that gives it life. If I see a person
that person can be a lifeless doll, but in a subtle process I seem to coat him
with life. Otherwise bodies are just shells or toys.

sensing of the body

The sense of the body..rather the weight of the body can be felt all the time on the field of awareness. Like we sense a strong emotion..the body can be sensed like that..like a resistance that we are sublimating..

the sensation or the weight of the body can be felt all the time..and maybe sensing it will give freedom from the body..like sublimating emotions by sensing them..

its a new direction..

Amazing line from Aurobindo Book

“Consciousness is in truth the only organ.”
This is really true. The experiencing of any impression from any sense organ is really by the consciousness. As tho when Im looking..the consciousness is loaded on the sense organ. So freedom from senses or to go to the essense of experiencing “a sight” or a “sound” we need to distill the consciousness from the organ.


Another Amazing line

“The body is a marvelous instrument – docile, enduring, full of inexhaustible goodwill.”
This is so true..its such a sweet statement. I suddenly had this overpowering affection for the body. Its like my doggie. Really sweet. Takes so much abuse. Always complying. This seems to have changed my relationship so completely with my body. Especially the word Goodwill…the body has so much goodwill.

Meister Ekhardt on St. John's " I saw the Word in God"

Tell me, good Sir, do Father, Son and Holy Ghost speak the same word in the Godhead or has each a different word? ' -- In the Godhead there is but one word; in it the Father in the Godhead speaks into his unborn essence and into his born essence, the Father flowing into his Son with all that he is and the Son speaks the same word, and the Father and the Son flow into the Holy Ghost and the Holy Ghost speaks the same word. They speak this one simple word in their essence and each speaks the same word in his own Person, and in their common nature they discourse the truth and the Persons receive the essence as it is essentially. Yet the Persons receive from one another. They bow down to the essence in praise, lauding the essence; and the unborn essence pronounces its unborn word in the Persons, lauding the Persons, and the Persons receive the essence every whit and pass it on to one another. This unborn essence is self-sufficient, without birth and without activity. Birth and activity are in the Persons. The Persons say they are the truth and that creatures have none of the truth. When the soul attains to this divine speech she speaks this very truth and is the Deity to every creature as well as to herself. This comes of his indivisible nature and therein creatures are a matter of the will. The bad are bad and the good good, the Persons preserving justice in the Godhead. They give the bad their due and the good theirs.

How..when

DIE BEFORE YOU DIE...

its a race...between the body that is subject to time and the soul's stage of evolution...can sadhana accelerate this...what is my role?

Bayazid

Bayazid is recorded saying " For thirty years I went in search of God and when I opened by eyes at the end of this time I discovered that it was really he who sought me".

"The thing we tell of can never be found by seeking, yet only seekers find it (Dermenghem)

The tree veils

the sufi saint Bayazid says

"THOSE WHO ARE MOST VEILED FROM GOD ARE THREE.

First is the Ascetic who is veiled by his Ascetism.
Second is the Worshipper who is veiled by his Devotion
Thrid is the scholar who is Veiled by his Knowledge

sufi story

there is this beautiful sufi story about this sufi saint who asks a girl carrying a lamp

"Where did this fire come from?"

THe girl quickly blows out the lamp and says

"Where did this fire go "

Sometimes one can experience even for a fleeting second an Existence through the body. The golden sunshine as tho its like a chemical reaction under the skin of the head and then this whole world with its colours and sounds. As tho pure awareness entrered the body thru some portal..like being in an bioscope peering thru the hole

BREATHING

With Each InBreathing, I go back to the Source and Touch it.

Oh this is so Sacred. To touch the Source each time I breathe in. Oh God.

Our Universe within us

Read something astounding.. by Molly Tamulevich
(www. http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/215)

Developed by neuropsychologist Karl Pribram, and quantum physicist David Bohm,
the holographic theory explains the universe as a series of complex waves, and the
brain as a means of deconstructing those waves into recognizable patterns. Using the
Fourier theorem [1] they realized that the combination of wave frequencies form
interference patterns in the brain and create new holographic patterns. This
is why a certain smell or sound can bring up memories that seem unrelated;
at one point in the past, they may have been perceived at the same time.

A holograph is an image that has the unique property of containing the
entirety of the image in each piece. If I were to cut a tiny piece of
holographic film off from the whole, it would still contain the whole image
but in a blurrier form. A holograph is formed by superimposing two different
light beams. It is a three dimensional projection of an object caught in the light.
It can store an incredible amount of information and holographic technology
is being used to exponentially increase the memory capability of computers.
According to Pribram, interference patterns caused by the clashing Fourier
waves in the universe converge through the lenses of our various senses,
causing a three dimensional representation of our perceptions.
[2] We are, according to Pribram, living in a giant hologram. If our brain has
holographic capabilities, it would not only explain how it can hold so much
information, but also shed light on experiments carried out by Karl Lashley
in which he concluded that memories were not stored in one part of the brain
but distributed throughout it. Lashley extensively removed or damaged the brains
of rats trying to locate the area in which they stored memories, but no matter
where he experimented, they continued to perform learned tasks. This supports
the idea that memories are holographic in that they are stored throughout the
brain, not just in one location.
Conditions such as synesthesia also support the holographic model.
If someone is able to taste words or attribute personalities to days of
the week, it is likely that inputs to the brain are being interpreted through
a different lens than those of non-synaesthetic individuals. It could be
that the ears or eyes of someone with synesthesia are equipped to read
inputs that most people block out. What would it be like to interpret the
waves around us more fully? We can feel the sun and see the sun, but what
if we were able to taste and hear the sun? It’s not that the waves are not

reaching our tongues and ears, we either don’t have the receptors to interpret
them or they are the wrong length for the receptors we do have.
Michael Talbot’s book, “The Holographic Universe” explains away dozens of
unexplained phenomenon using the holographic theory, and it is in this real
world application that the theory gets controversial [3].
If all memories are contained within all parts of the brain, what is to say
that the image of the whole universe is not contained in each part of the brain???

Our Universe within us

Read something astounding.. by Molly Tamulevich (www. http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/215)

Developed by neuropsychologist Karl Pribram, and quantum physicist David Bohm,
the holographic theory explains the universe as a series of complex waves, and the
brain as a means of deconstructing those waves into recognizable patterns. Using the
Fourier theorem [1] they realized that the combination of wave frequencies form
interference patterns in the brain and create new holographic patterns. This
is why a certain smell or sound can bring up memories that seem unrelated;
at one point in the past, they may have been perceived at the same time.

A holograph is an image that has the unique property of containing the
entirety of the image in each piece. If I were to cut a tiny piece of
holographic film off from the whole, it would still contain the whole image
but in a blurrier form. A holograph is formed by superimposing two different
light beams. It is a three dimensional projection of an object caught in the light.
It can store an incredible amount of information and holographic technology
is being used to exponentially increase the memory capability of computers.
According to Pribram, interference patterns caused by the clashing Fourier
waves in the universe converge through the lenses of our various senses,
causing a three dimensional representation of our perceptions.
[2] We are, according to Pribram, living in a giant hologram. If our brain has
holographic capabilities, it would not only explain how it can hold so much
information, but also shed light on experiments carried out by Karl Lashley
in which he concluded that memories were not stored in one part of the brain
but distributed throughout it. Lashley extensively removed or damaged the brains
of rats trying to locate the area in which they stored memories, but no matter
where he experimented, they continued to perform learned tasks. This supports
the idea that memories are holographic in that they are stored throughout the
brain, not just in one location.
Conditions such as synesthesia also support the holographic model.
If someone is able to taste words or attribute personalities to days of
the week, it is likely that inputs to the brain are being interpreted through
a different lens than those of non-synaesthetic individuals. It could be
that the ears or eyes of someone with synesthesia are equipped to read
inputs that most people block out. What would it be like to interpret the
waves around us more fully? We can feel the sun and see the sun, but what
if we were able to taste and hear the sun? It’s not that the waves are not

reaching our tongues and ears, we either don’t have the receptors to interpret
them or they are the wrong length for the receptors we do have.
Michael Talbot’s book, “The Holographic Universe” explains away dozens of
unexplained phenomenon using the holographic theory, and it is in this real
world application that the theory gets controversial [3].
If all memories are contained within all parts of the brain, what is to say
that the image of the whole universe is not contained in each part of the brain???

death

“What is death? Moving awareness away from a particular time or place makes that particular
time or place die. Lack of awareness is death. It's like sleeping.
The process of death is not unfamiliar to me. I can be aware of my foot. Now, I can be aware of
my hand. When I am aware of my foot, I am not aware of my hand, I don't know if it was there.
Next moment when I become aware of it, it came ito being. Birth and death, these are continuously
happening every moment. They are painless. I cannot be afraid of birth.”
This is a significant quote by Amritananda.

I am dead most of the time except when Im aware I exist. The physical body seems to be only a
conduit thru which impressions come and responses go using the senses. I need to be feel alive
only then im alive.

I need to experience complete death before the destruction of this physical body. Im aware that
I have access to this body for a limited period of time and I need to use that to experience
existence without the physical body. As a pure awareness. Wonder if pure awareness can
continue to exist without breathing.

Sacrifice

RigVeda says " This sacrifice is the navel of the Universe".

Our navel is where we get sustenance from our mother when we are in her womb. So a sacrifice is what sustains the Universe, its baby. Without sacrifice the universe will die of starvation, it appears.

All powers to Sacrifice through Sacrifice – Yajurveda

All this, whatever exists is made to share through sacrifice - Rig Veda

So what is sacrifice? What is needed of us in this chain of sacrifice ?


The Wiki says "By sacrifice in the real sense is universally understood the offering of a sense-perceptible gift to the Deity as an outward manifestation of our veneration for Him and with the object of attaining communion with Him. Strictly speaking however, this offering does not become a sacrifice until a real change has been effected in the visible gift (e. g. by slaying it, shedding its blood. burning it, or pouring it out). "

Sacrifice is an action that creates.

The gods sacrificed with the sacrifice to the sacrifice…Rig veda

Sacrifice everywhere

Origin of Sacrifice - sacrum + facere - To make sacred.

Aurobindo says - But the highest only only comes when the sacrifice is no longer to the gods but to the one all-pervading Divine established in the sacrifice, of which the Gods are only inferior forms and when he puts away the lower self that desires and enjoys and gives up his personal sense of being a Worker to the true executrix of the Works, Prakriti and his personal sense of being the enjoyer to the Divine Purusha, the higher and universal Self who is the real enjoyer of the Works of Prakriti.
......The fire agni is no material flame, but brahmagni, the fire of the Brahman...inner Agni, preist of sacrifice into which sacrifice offering is poured..the fire is self-control or its a purified sense-action or it is the vital energy in that discipline of the control of the vital being though the control of breath...or it is the fire of self knowledge, the flame of the supreme sacrifice.

Sacrifice is an exchange of substances between Levels - both within ourselves and the outside.

So what is My Sacrifice? How do I participate in this cosmic cycle Consciously? In any case Im probably doing it unconsciously.
What is my sacrifice..what is created with my sacrifice?

Two universes

So is the body the dividing line between the inside and the outside? what we refer to as inside including our thoughts as that which is under the skin and external world is what our senses perceive?
If however one were to go with the notion that one is pure awareness and that this body is actually created by the awareness and further that this body is one of the elements in the field of this awareness along with many other elements then one will have to have a different dividing line between what is inside and outside – because the fact is that we do experience inside and outside.

One possible division of spaces could be the division between the Ego or the Personality and that of the Self or Pure awareness. If we are a collection of energy field then this energy sometimes settles at the level of the Ego that leads to turning thoughts, and all the internal activities that are driven by the Ego. And then when the energy rises to a level higher than the Ego, then there are moments of insights, joy and compassion.

Even the notion of “me” – is probably a point in the universe of the Ego.

The pull will always be between these two universes – of the Ego and of the Self and the struggle of this energy field that I call my common presence or “me” – is to constantly engage with the universe of the Ego by keeping a simultaneous connection with the universe of the Self.

ze body

It appears that the body and the senses are a kind of device or intermediate that allows us to
experience the world
; its tastes, its passions, its pains, its smells. As though this body is like a binocular through
which I can see the world and engage with it. What then is the right relationship between
me and the body.
There is atfirst a sense of gratitude – for this body is a bridge that allows these
myriad of experiences. As though this body is a special organ that bring these
impressions from the planet earth to us.
How does the body relate to me in my overall sphere of attention? This has been a difficult
exploration because sometimes the vantage point of awareness is from inside the body and
sometime the vantage point of awarenss is from the outside.
I see that firstly recognizing and acknowledging the presence of the body is probably the
first part of my engagement. Acknowledging probably means being in touch with that part
of my common presences that has the conection with the body. Maybe as I keep doing that,
I would be able to find out more about the right relationship with the body. Understanding
the unique intelligence of the body, its language and try having an impartial view of its
needs and demands. It feel almost like adopting a new born baby

escaping from time

So I wonder what is time? Mainly psychological time. Physical time is lot easier to understand – since its artificially created. Physical time is a function of motion. Time is distance traveled by an object from point A to point B. In a clock 1 second is the distance travelled by the seconds-hand around the circumference of the clock once.

So its easy to understand the artificiality of this. But what about psychological time? It appears to me that there are a few widgets in the head that get activated in the head depending on the energy levels of the organism. One widget could be the “hurry-up” widget which suddenly gives us this feeling of panic that we are running late. Then suddenly there is this awareness of time. Before this widget was activated time did not exist for us. Then there could be “bored” widget. When suddenly once feels that time is not moving. It appears that comes when,say, we are waiting. Waiting for someone, waiting for some boring movie or person to get over. Waiting for a terrible moment to get over. Then again our perception of time gets to fore.
The other experiences of time seem to be variations of the same. When ur having fun and then suddenly when the fun is over a perception of time comes up – how quickly the time has passed. Its almost as if at that moment we compare the physical time elapsed to that if the psychological time – which when we are having fun is absent.

Time other than the physical time seem to not exist. So we try to compare this artificial measure with a measure that is psychological one. For eg if we look at the clock and watch the clock for 5 minutes at different times of the day and at different moods we can see that we do not have an equivalent measure of physical time in terms of psychological time – 5 minutes means so much in my head.
Krishnamurthy I remember him saying that absence of thought is absence of time. So when you are having fun, its pure fun and no thought. Psychological time comes up when there is thought. No thought or watching the movements of time in our internal psyche seems to be the only escape from time.

Field of awareness

I continue to see that my attention is fragmented. During the day, there seems to be no attention to what is happening inside. But I feel that even if there is attention inwards, for a few minutes or hours each day, it still holds out hope. A sensation of the body, an awareness of my inner state even for a few minutes in the morning or night may I guess lead to more prolonged sustained attention during other parts of the day.
it is ironical to sometimes be aware of the pure awareness and then the thought that the body and everything else that we see or perceive to be inside or outside the body is all within the field/created by the awareness. just staying in the presence of pure awareness or invoking it say thru a focus on the breath makes one feel that one is on the border of a larger discovery.

body is truthful.

A very interesting remark by David Bohm one the concept of “me-ness”. The illusion that we think that there is a “me” that I carry everywhere with me. I need to watch each time that “feeling” arises especially when I speak to people or get impressions from conversations or when im self conscious and watch myself from the stand point of other people is visually flashed in my head.
The other amazing line that David Bohm mentioned was that the body is truthful. When we say get insulted or get stressed we can possibly condition our minds to say ..hey im not affected by this or im cool..these things don’t affect me. I have effectively trained the mind to lie to me. But the body will get a clear sensation if we are hurt.

The body does not lie.

I must listen to what the body says and listen more carefully.

Two simultaneous existences

It appeared to me today for a few moments we have two simultaneous existences – one as
pure awareness and one as experiencing the world through the body.
Experiencing through the body is an interesting process to explore. I see that th ne eyes
and the ears largely bring in the impressions, leading to a sensation, then impacting the
hormones and the glands and from the hormones to the mind and the mind takes an action.
Internal experiencing is impressions that come from the mind and it pretty much follows
the same pattern – thot leading to a sensation and sensation connected to a hormone leads
to stimulation in the mind and mind to action. All mechanical and associative.
As though the experiencing the world through the body largely following a habitual pattern.

Moments of non habitual experiencing I think happens when we can have the two
simultaneous existences – one as pure awareness and one as experiencing the world
through the body and a simultaneous recognition of both the experiencing.

Remembrances

1. Universe is only a creation of my own. I should go to the source and at the point where the attention and consciousness mixes with the senses.
2. Everything I see around me is my own creation. Its me in each manifestation.
3. It is a very thin bubble and if we at the first step believe that this is an illusion then it will burst. We have to constantly believe that this is an illusion.
4. Each visual impression, each thought reaction, each sensation only gives more information about myself.

for whom much is given..

So the journey continues. Last night halted at the indo-nepal border at a small village called Kodari. Was magic with the mountains so close. And the river continuing to follow us like Yudhistir’s dog. Or maybe we’re following the river. And then today at Zhangmu across the Chinese border. Into Tibet. The place is so artificial. All industrial looking. As tho the mountains have got a bad skin infection and metallic scabs.
What brings me here? What brings me to places like Tibet, Badrinath, Rishikesh? What brings me to masters like osho, sri sri, sadhguru and ravi ravindra? I struggle with everything. My exercises are all flops – be it speech, sensing or even chanting. Will this be a life wasted? Will all the efforts of my teachers be wasted? Will all the effort of the universe in bringing all these opportunities be of no avail?
I must atleast do my practices and change my diet to vegetarian and no coffee and tea.
And keep a daily journal of my day so I can squarely see for myself where I stand. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

वात्चिंग वहत इस हप्पेनिंग inside

Another incredible breakthrough book – this book by Dada Gavand on his personal search. It has given me
hope and a fresh lease for my search in my struggle. This trip to Manasarovar and Kailash seems to be a
shock to wake me up from my poor and insufficient attemps to remember myself or do my practices.
And to culminate this physically strenuous trip with this book seem to be a thin rope held out by the
universe to help save my soul. Maybe the last time I may get any such help. So I better hang on to this
momentum and continue to deepen my practise.
Gavande’s book is almost like a déjà vu. I think I did chance upon this book years ago yet it did not
touch me as it does now. And Gavande describes in excruciating detail as to what he did in the
mountain – just watch the movements of his mind. With vigilance and without giving the mind
any escape in terms of analytics or imagination.
It is a fresh new adventure of watching the mind. Like a movie. It seems interesting and exciting.
I need to watch for self deception.

It gives me hope that this is really the technique. Do your kriyas and your yoga to improve the
being and use that energy to just watch the mind. And watch me watching me. Both
Krishnamurthy and Gavand say that the structure of the mind will collapse. With regular sadhana,
it maybe easier to withstand the tougher challenges of standing in front of one’s lack. What is
required to be done is to watch inward and then as one comes face to face with the points
where the ego will give a very tough fight, do conscious labour and intentional suffering.
God give me strength.

for those who wait in sleep

in the reading from Conje today..something leapt out..

" In a sebse tge possibility of evolution exists for everyone, but it is only a potentiality that must be embraced, put into action, and lived by each one. And the possibility depends on those few who have heard the call in the depths of their being. There is only one injustice : not responding to the call I hear under the false pretext that it is not just, because in not responding I diminish the hope for those who wait in sleep. "

Inside Outside

All experiences are internal. External impressions and stimuli are only bridges to enable internal experience. There is no experience that is external.
This would mean really that the external is a reflection of the internal. The sexual attraction for a woman is therefore a bridge to the feminine energy inside us. The external cosmos that we see is really the internal that is reflected outside. Wow.

everything therefore is really a way to perceive our internal states. Like when people irritate us. Its really our internal irritability that is illuminated. Like when we love someone, its really that the person forms a bridge to open the internal love in us.
i guess this is probably the reason for idol worship - the act of worship allows us to reflect upon our own Self indirectly. When we pray to an idol, we are actually reflecting and praying for the Self inside us.

nothing external therefore is real. it is only a projection. wow.
then the only sadhana is to reflect on the Self.
reaching inwards and observing how we can watch the outside and the inside simultaneously - the internal world and the external world reflecting the internal.

Materiality and Consciousness

Ravi talks about the ends of the spectrum - at one end there is pure consciousness with no materiality. At the other end is pure materiality. It appears that materiality is needed to experience consciousness and then less and less of the materiality is needed to experience that consciousness till I assume, consciousness itslef experiences consciousness.
Each time one gets an impression, a conscious impression, I think it gives a glimpse of experiencing the consciousness. But we tend to ascribe the raison d'etre of that experience to the object and repetition of that experience seem to give rise to desire. If we were to however seperate the object that provided a bridge or a vehicle to travel to experience the consciousness from the experience itself, I would think that the nature of the desire could be better explored. I have a feeling that when a man falls in love, or when I fall in love, that woman or the impression she creates, takes me to be in touch with my own consciousness at a deeper level , but I dont seem to see it that way. I am so consumed by it that the process is invisible to me.
Pure awareness without materiality for me, at my level of comprehension seem to be awareness without the imagery of confinment to the body. Yet the complete experience of al pervasiveness of "I" still eludes.

memory bank

The memory would be better understood if we could understand what kinds of memory we store. I wonder if we have a separate box in the head for Visual memory. A separate box for Auditory memory. A box for memory of sensations.
And I am sure there is actually a precise order in which these are pulled up based on the associative impressions and even the interconnect between them. The study of these maybe could free one of these associations and only as a conscious act dig into these and pull them out – currently we don’t seem to have any say in the images or the songs or the sensations that the served up.

Pentland

"sensations allow us to discover energy and vibrations before they have taken form "..( i guess in words or images)

more such insightful quotes from Pentland. It appeared as thought Pentland was engaged with the study of the active and passive forces operating simultaneously to trigger the neutralising force..some quotes again..

" I begin to understand what would be meant, if I were able to be present to it, by the idea of two levels of attention: one that reacts to what is going on mechanically and another attention that is in touch with the presence of myself in the moment. Real responsibility begins when I am present to both these levels at the same time—when I have an attention which is able to hear the call at the same time as it feels the movement of the unconscious parts of myself.
Now of course I’m speaking about something you’re all familiar with. It’s the question of real will. And I hope I can say that we’re all together in front of that question, yourself, and myself, and all of us. It’s a question we all share together. Nobody’s giving the answers. And that’s what a real human question is like.
The first step in responsibility, then, is separation—separation of the energies from the forms they take, separation of essence from personality. And for this process to go on calls for a certain quality of attention which I call non-directive skill. It’s only by developing this quality of attentive engagement that I begin to move towards real individuality.

We don’t understand the importance of our attitude. My attitude at any point is like the sunken part of the iceberg. I start out from the conscious affirmative part which is like the tip. I’m quite surprised—and unprepared—to meet resistance from this unconscious part. Yet my attitude is largely governed by this resistance. You have to see the resistance. You have to be more aware of the wish to not work—at the same time as you are holding the wish to work"

so i dont exist inside..i dont exist outside...my only connection with myself is this sensation as i breathe..is this the only reality? so where am i located? right now only in the sensation? what is this sensation? a clue about my identity..a surrogate..a proxy for something that my mind cannot fathom yet feelings can to a certain degree?

sensation

Pentland says something amazing - Sensation is where the head and he feelings meet.

He says " The point is, the head, which takes in ideas, and the feeling, which takes in scale, can never meet. Sensation is the relating element. How to feel what you think or to think what you feel is through sensation. We practice sensation in a way unrelated; for the head and feeling to meet is . . . only in the body. My head feels all over my body. With the sensation of the body, the head and feeling can come together, and that is the basis for so-called inner life. How to call feeling back. How to call the head back to meet with the feeling is only through sensation, where feeling and thought can come together."

it makes so complete sense.

Feelings takes in scale...its so true..things that the mind cannot contain..large scales..can only be a feeling...

Best before

So what is my use. How do I know the purpose of my incarnation. How do I then do. Without self deception. So I know Im employing my self into this action because this is what I was meant to do. How do I know? I don’t have a label at the back of my head to know my purpose. Im here on an errand. I didn’t ask to come to the world. And I know death is close at hand to call me back. And I need to complete what I was sent for. Only I don’t know what. So my search is to find my purpose. The purpose of my coming to this world. Where do I begin?

Soul sculpture

So life can also be seen as though we are a particle of consciousness, still in the process of being perfected. And we get this body as a tool..and told..hey take this body and perfect the consciousness. Its interesting to see the body like that. As though the whole process of the spiritual success is to use the body that will purify this consciousness. And then the very act of purification changes the body itself and create the chalice into which finer energies can fill up and the action of the body then gets close and closer to sacred action or the will of the divine.

IN New York

In New York. Sipping Chai Tea Latte in Barnes and Nobles. yesterday, a whirlwind discussion with Linda. On packaging experience. a balance between spontaniety and order. new york.sipping tea. smell of the books. in the middle of a packaged experience of all the writers. New york. really makes me want to write a book. its flowing with an artsy energy which is waiting to gurgle into everyone and flush out a book..a film..art..any art..or an invention..anything that the aching heart can deliver without a C section.

smell the coffee

So begins another day. A few didn’t make it till morning. Of course, waking up is a curious phenomena. I seem to feel that we are always awake – but what we call waking up is really filling that awake space with our specific hard drive – with its pre set programs, memories, and virus. Instantly we have personalized this Universe when we wake up.
I wake up. I see the bright light, greens, a thought enters leading to a million others. Reality around me is quickly replaced. My eyes see but my mind does not. So it’s a strange seeing. Even what my eyes see is not fresh. Im not even sure if Im seeing the tree in front of me. Or is this an image that has been loaded into my brain – the image of a tree and I don’t see the tree in front of me. Is this the magic that the Impressionist painters discovered. Found a way in which they could fight back the inner images and capture a true seeing?
So what is reality – if everything is a personal interpretation? And who is experiencing the reality? Or is the experiencer the only reality? How do we go back to the experiencer? Where is the experiencer? Where did he come from ? When did he ( or I?) start experiencing? And what is experiencing for me? A sensation ? A feeling? An image? And why is there such an ache to find all this?

Is this the crushing pain that comes from realising that the reality on the basis of which we built a whole life is unreal? It’s a movie set l? Is it about freedom. Freedom from unreal? Freedom to know oneself and thereby live in dignity.