Our Universe within us

Read something astounding.. by Molly Tamulevich (www. http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/215)

Developed by neuropsychologist Karl Pribram, and quantum physicist David Bohm,
the holographic theory explains the universe as a series of complex waves, and the
brain as a means of deconstructing those waves into recognizable patterns. Using the
Fourier theorem [1] they realized that the combination of wave frequencies form
interference patterns in the brain and create new holographic patterns. This
is why a certain smell or sound can bring up memories that seem unrelated;
at one point in the past, they may have been perceived at the same time.

A holograph is an image that has the unique property of containing the
entirety of the image in each piece. If I were to cut a tiny piece of
holographic film off from the whole, it would still contain the whole image
but in a blurrier form. A holograph is formed by superimposing two different
light beams. It is a three dimensional projection of an object caught in the light.
It can store an incredible amount of information and holographic technology
is being used to exponentially increase the memory capability of computers.
According to Pribram, interference patterns caused by the clashing Fourier
waves in the universe converge through the lenses of our various senses,
causing a three dimensional representation of our perceptions.
[2] We are, according to Pribram, living in a giant hologram. If our brain has
holographic capabilities, it would not only explain how it can hold so much
information, but also shed light on experiments carried out by Karl Lashley
in which he concluded that memories were not stored in one part of the brain
but distributed throughout it. Lashley extensively removed or damaged the brains
of rats trying to locate the area in which they stored memories, but no matter
where he experimented, they continued to perform learned tasks. This supports
the idea that memories are holographic in that they are stored throughout the
brain, not just in one location.
Conditions such as synesthesia also support the holographic model.
If someone is able to taste words or attribute personalities to days of
the week, it is likely that inputs to the brain are being interpreted through
a different lens than those of non-synaesthetic individuals. It could be
that the ears or eyes of someone with synesthesia are equipped to read
inputs that most people block out. What would it be like to interpret the
waves around us more fully? We can feel the sun and see the sun, but what
if we were able to taste and hear the sun? It’s not that the waves are not

reaching our tongues and ears, we either don’t have the receptors to interpret
them or they are the wrong length for the receptors we do have.
Michael Talbot’s book, “The Holographic Universe” explains away dozens of
unexplained phenomenon using the holographic theory, and it is in this real
world application that the theory gets controversial [3].
If all memories are contained within all parts of the brain, what is to say
that the image of the whole universe is not contained in each part of the brain???

death

“What is death? Moving awareness away from a particular time or place makes that particular
time or place die. Lack of awareness is death. It's like sleeping.
The process of death is not unfamiliar to me. I can be aware of my foot. Now, I can be aware of
my hand. When I am aware of my foot, I am not aware of my hand, I don't know if it was there.
Next moment when I become aware of it, it came ito being. Birth and death, these are continuously
happening every moment. They are painless. I cannot be afraid of birth.”
This is a significant quote by Amritananda.

I am dead most of the time except when Im aware I exist. The physical body seems to be only a
conduit thru which impressions come and responses go using the senses. I need to be feel alive
only then im alive.

I need to experience complete death before the destruction of this physical body. Im aware that
I have access to this body for a limited period of time and I need to use that to experience
existence without the physical body. As a pure awareness. Wonder if pure awareness can
continue to exist without breathing.

Sacrifice

RigVeda says " This sacrifice is the navel of the Universe".

Our navel is where we get sustenance from our mother when we are in her womb. So a sacrifice is what sustains the Universe, its baby. Without sacrifice the universe will die of starvation, it appears.

All powers to Sacrifice through Sacrifice – Yajurveda

All this, whatever exists is made to share through sacrifice - Rig Veda

So what is sacrifice? What is needed of us in this chain of sacrifice ?


The Wiki says "By sacrifice in the real sense is universally understood the offering of a sense-perceptible gift to the Deity as an outward manifestation of our veneration for Him and with the object of attaining communion with Him. Strictly speaking however, this offering does not become a sacrifice until a real change has been effected in the visible gift (e. g. by slaying it, shedding its blood. burning it, or pouring it out). "

Sacrifice is an action that creates.

The gods sacrificed with the sacrifice to the sacrifice…Rig veda

Sacrifice everywhere

Origin of Sacrifice - sacrum + facere - To make sacred.

Aurobindo says - But the highest only only comes when the sacrifice is no longer to the gods but to the one all-pervading Divine established in the sacrifice, of which the Gods are only inferior forms and when he puts away the lower self that desires and enjoys and gives up his personal sense of being a Worker to the true executrix of the Works, Prakriti and his personal sense of being the enjoyer to the Divine Purusha, the higher and universal Self who is the real enjoyer of the Works of Prakriti.
......The fire agni is no material flame, but brahmagni, the fire of the Brahman...inner Agni, preist of sacrifice into which sacrifice offering is poured..the fire is self-control or its a purified sense-action or it is the vital energy in that discipline of the control of the vital being though the control of breath...or it is the fire of self knowledge, the flame of the supreme sacrifice.

Sacrifice is an exchange of substances between Levels - both within ourselves and the outside.

So what is My Sacrifice? How do I participate in this cosmic cycle Consciously? In any case Im probably doing it unconsciously.
What is my sacrifice..what is created with my sacrifice?

Two universes

So is the body the dividing line between the inside and the outside? what we refer to as inside including our thoughts as that which is under the skin and external world is what our senses perceive?
If however one were to go with the notion that one is pure awareness and that this body is actually created by the awareness and further that this body is one of the elements in the field of this awareness along with many other elements then one will have to have a different dividing line between what is inside and outside – because the fact is that we do experience inside and outside.

One possible division of spaces could be the division between the Ego or the Personality and that of the Self or Pure awareness. If we are a collection of energy field then this energy sometimes settles at the level of the Ego that leads to turning thoughts, and all the internal activities that are driven by the Ego. And then when the energy rises to a level higher than the Ego, then there are moments of insights, joy and compassion.

Even the notion of “me” – is probably a point in the universe of the Ego.

The pull will always be between these two universes – of the Ego and of the Self and the struggle of this energy field that I call my common presence or “me” – is to constantly engage with the universe of the Ego by keeping a simultaneous connection with the universe of the Self.

ze body

It appears that the body and the senses are a kind of device or intermediate that allows us to
experience the world
; its tastes, its passions, its pains, its smells. As though this body is like a binocular through
which I can see the world and engage with it. What then is the right relationship between
me and the body.
There is atfirst a sense of gratitude – for this body is a bridge that allows these
myriad of experiences. As though this body is a special organ that bring these
impressions from the planet earth to us.
How does the body relate to me in my overall sphere of attention? This has been a difficult
exploration because sometimes the vantage point of awareness is from inside the body and
sometime the vantage point of awarenss is from the outside.
I see that firstly recognizing and acknowledging the presence of the body is probably the
first part of my engagement. Acknowledging probably means being in touch with that part
of my common presences that has the conection with the body. Maybe as I keep doing that,
I would be able to find out more about the right relationship with the body. Understanding
the unique intelligence of the body, its language and try having an impartial view of its
needs and demands. It feel almost like adopting a new born baby

escaping from time

So I wonder what is time? Mainly psychological time. Physical time is lot easier to understand – since its artificially created. Physical time is a function of motion. Time is distance traveled by an object from point A to point B. In a clock 1 second is the distance travelled by the seconds-hand around the circumference of the clock once.

So its easy to understand the artificiality of this. But what about psychological time? It appears to me that there are a few widgets in the head that get activated in the head depending on the energy levels of the organism. One widget could be the “hurry-up” widget which suddenly gives us this feeling of panic that we are running late. Then suddenly there is this awareness of time. Before this widget was activated time did not exist for us. Then there could be “bored” widget. When suddenly once feels that time is not moving. It appears that comes when,say, we are waiting. Waiting for someone, waiting for some boring movie or person to get over. Waiting for a terrible moment to get over. Then again our perception of time gets to fore.
The other experiences of time seem to be variations of the same. When ur having fun and then suddenly when the fun is over a perception of time comes up – how quickly the time has passed. Its almost as if at that moment we compare the physical time elapsed to that if the psychological time – which when we are having fun is absent.

Time other than the physical time seem to not exist. So we try to compare this artificial measure with a measure that is psychological one. For eg if we look at the clock and watch the clock for 5 minutes at different times of the day and at different moods we can see that we do not have an equivalent measure of physical time in terms of psychological time – 5 minutes means so much in my head.
Krishnamurthy I remember him saying that absence of thought is absence of time. So when you are having fun, its pure fun and no thought. Psychological time comes up when there is thought. No thought or watching the movements of time in our internal psyche seems to be the only escape from time.

Field of awareness

I continue to see that my attention is fragmented. During the day, there seems to be no attention to what is happening inside. But I feel that even if there is attention inwards, for a few minutes or hours each day, it still holds out hope. A sensation of the body, an awareness of my inner state even for a few minutes in the morning or night may I guess lead to more prolonged sustained attention during other parts of the day.
it is ironical to sometimes be aware of the pure awareness and then the thought that the body and everything else that we see or perceive to be inside or outside the body is all within the field/created by the awareness. just staying in the presence of pure awareness or invoking it say thru a focus on the breath makes one feel that one is on the border of a larger discovery.

body is truthful.

A very interesting remark by David Bohm one the concept of “me-ness”. The illusion that we think that there is a “me” that I carry everywhere with me. I need to watch each time that “feeling” arises especially when I speak to people or get impressions from conversations or when im self conscious and watch myself from the stand point of other people is visually flashed in my head.
The other amazing line that David Bohm mentioned was that the body is truthful. When we say get insulted or get stressed we can possibly condition our minds to say ..hey im not affected by this or im cool..these things don’t affect me. I have effectively trained the mind to lie to me. But the body will get a clear sensation if we are hurt.

The body does not lie.

I must listen to what the body says and listen more carefully.

Two simultaneous existences

It appeared to me today for a few moments we have two simultaneous existences – one as
pure awareness and one as experiencing the world through the body.
Experiencing through the body is an interesting process to explore. I see that th ne eyes
and the ears largely bring in the impressions, leading to a sensation, then impacting the
hormones and the glands and from the hormones to the mind and the mind takes an action.
Internal experiencing is impressions that come from the mind and it pretty much follows
the same pattern – thot leading to a sensation and sensation connected to a hormone leads
to stimulation in the mind and mind to action. All mechanical and associative.
As though the experiencing the world through the body largely following a habitual pattern.

Moments of non habitual experiencing I think happens when we can have the two
simultaneous existences – one as pure awareness and one as experiencing the world
through the body and a simultaneous recognition of both the experiencing.

Remembrances

1. Universe is only a creation of my own. I should go to the source and at the point where the attention and consciousness mixes with the senses.
2. Everything I see around me is my own creation. Its me in each manifestation.
3. It is a very thin bubble and if we at the first step believe that this is an illusion then it will burst. We have to constantly believe that this is an illusion.
4. Each visual impression, each thought reaction, each sensation only gives more information about myself.

for whom much is given..

So the journey continues. Last night halted at the indo-nepal border at a small village called Kodari. Was magic with the mountains so close. And the river continuing to follow us like Yudhistir’s dog. Or maybe we’re following the river. And then today at Zhangmu across the Chinese border. Into Tibet. The place is so artificial. All industrial looking. As tho the mountains have got a bad skin infection and metallic scabs.
What brings me here? What brings me to places like Tibet, Badrinath, Rishikesh? What brings me to masters like osho, sri sri, sadhguru and ravi ravindra? I struggle with everything. My exercises are all flops – be it speech, sensing or even chanting. Will this be a life wasted? Will all the efforts of my teachers be wasted? Will all the effort of the universe in bringing all these opportunities be of no avail?
I must atleast do my practices and change my diet to vegetarian and no coffee and tea.
And keep a daily journal of my day so I can squarely see for myself where I stand. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

वात्चिंग वहत इस हप्पेनिंग inside

Another incredible breakthrough book – this book by Dada Gavand on his personal search. It has given me
hope and a fresh lease for my search in my struggle. This trip to Manasarovar and Kailash seems to be a
shock to wake me up from my poor and insufficient attemps to remember myself or do my practices.
And to culminate this physically strenuous trip with this book seem to be a thin rope held out by the
universe to help save my soul. Maybe the last time I may get any such help. So I better hang on to this
momentum and continue to deepen my practise.
Gavande’s book is almost like a déjà vu. I think I did chance upon this book years ago yet it did not
touch me as it does now. And Gavande describes in excruciating detail as to what he did in the
mountain – just watch the movements of his mind. With vigilance and without giving the mind
any escape in terms of analytics or imagination.
It is a fresh new adventure of watching the mind. Like a movie. It seems interesting and exciting.
I need to watch for self deception.

It gives me hope that this is really the technique. Do your kriyas and your yoga to improve the
being and use that energy to just watch the mind. And watch me watching me. Both
Krishnamurthy and Gavand say that the structure of the mind will collapse. With regular sadhana,
it maybe easier to withstand the tougher challenges of standing in front of one’s lack. What is
required to be done is to watch inward and then as one comes face to face with the points
where the ego will give a very tough fight, do conscious labour and intentional suffering.
God give me strength.

for those who wait in sleep

in the reading from Conje today..something leapt out..

" In a sebse tge possibility of evolution exists for everyone, but it is only a potentiality that must be embraced, put into action, and lived by each one. And the possibility depends on those few who have heard the call in the depths of their being. There is only one injustice : not responding to the call I hear under the false pretext that it is not just, because in not responding I diminish the hope for those who wait in sleep. "

Inside Outside

All experiences are internal. External impressions and stimuli are only bridges to enable internal experience. There is no experience that is external.
This would mean really that the external is a reflection of the internal. The sexual attraction for a woman is therefore a bridge to the feminine energy inside us. The external cosmos that we see is really the internal that is reflected outside. Wow.

everything therefore is really a way to perceive our internal states. Like when people irritate us. Its really our internal irritability that is illuminated. Like when we love someone, its really that the person forms a bridge to open the internal love in us.
i guess this is probably the reason for idol worship - the act of worship allows us to reflect upon our own Self indirectly. When we pray to an idol, we are actually reflecting and praying for the Self inside us.

nothing external therefore is real. it is only a projection. wow.
then the only sadhana is to reflect on the Self.
reaching inwards and observing how we can watch the outside and the inside simultaneously - the internal world and the external world reflecting the internal.

Materiality and Consciousness

Ravi talks about the ends of the spectrum - at one end there is pure consciousness with no materiality. At the other end is pure materiality. It appears that materiality is needed to experience consciousness and then less and less of the materiality is needed to experience that consciousness till I assume, consciousness itslef experiences consciousness.
Each time one gets an impression, a conscious impression, I think it gives a glimpse of experiencing the consciousness. But we tend to ascribe the raison d'etre of that experience to the object and repetition of that experience seem to give rise to desire. If we were to however seperate the object that provided a bridge or a vehicle to travel to experience the consciousness from the experience itself, I would think that the nature of the desire could be better explored. I have a feeling that when a man falls in love, or when I fall in love, that woman or the impression she creates, takes me to be in touch with my own consciousness at a deeper level , but I dont seem to see it that way. I am so consumed by it that the process is invisible to me.
Pure awareness without materiality for me, at my level of comprehension seem to be awareness without the imagery of confinment to the body. Yet the complete experience of al pervasiveness of "I" still eludes.

memory bank

The memory would be better understood if we could understand what kinds of memory we store. I wonder if we have a separate box in the head for Visual memory. A separate box for Auditory memory. A box for memory of sensations.
And I am sure there is actually a precise order in which these are pulled up based on the associative impressions and even the interconnect between them. The study of these maybe could free one of these associations and only as a conscious act dig into these and pull them out – currently we don’t seem to have any say in the images or the songs or the sensations that the served up.

Pentland

"sensations allow us to discover energy and vibrations before they have taken form "..( i guess in words or images)

more such insightful quotes from Pentland. It appeared as thought Pentland was engaged with the study of the active and passive forces operating simultaneously to trigger the neutralising force..some quotes again..

" I begin to understand what would be meant, if I were able to be present to it, by the idea of two levels of attention: one that reacts to what is going on mechanically and another attention that is in touch with the presence of myself in the moment. Real responsibility begins when I am present to both these levels at the same time—when I have an attention which is able to hear the call at the same time as it feels the movement of the unconscious parts of myself.
Now of course I’m speaking about something you’re all familiar with. It’s the question of real will. And I hope I can say that we’re all together in front of that question, yourself, and myself, and all of us. It’s a question we all share together. Nobody’s giving the answers. And that’s what a real human question is like.
The first step in responsibility, then, is separation—separation of the energies from the forms they take, separation of essence from personality. And for this process to go on calls for a certain quality of attention which I call non-directive skill. It’s only by developing this quality of attentive engagement that I begin to move towards real individuality.

We don’t understand the importance of our attitude. My attitude at any point is like the sunken part of the iceberg. I start out from the conscious affirmative part which is like the tip. I’m quite surprised—and unprepared—to meet resistance from this unconscious part. Yet my attitude is largely governed by this resistance. You have to see the resistance. You have to be more aware of the wish to not work—at the same time as you are holding the wish to work"

so i dont exist inside..i dont exist outside...my only connection with myself is this sensation as i breathe..is this the only reality? so where am i located? right now only in the sensation? what is this sensation? a clue about my identity..a surrogate..a proxy for something that my mind cannot fathom yet feelings can to a certain degree?

sensation

Pentland says something amazing - Sensation is where the head and he feelings meet.

He says " The point is, the head, which takes in ideas, and the feeling, which takes in scale, can never meet. Sensation is the relating element. How to feel what you think or to think what you feel is through sensation. We practice sensation in a way unrelated; for the head and feeling to meet is . . . only in the body. My head feels all over my body. With the sensation of the body, the head and feeling can come together, and that is the basis for so-called inner life. How to call feeling back. How to call the head back to meet with the feeling is only through sensation, where feeling and thought can come together."

it makes so complete sense.

Feelings takes in scale...its so true..things that the mind cannot contain..large scales..can only be a feeling...

Best before

So what is my use. How do I know the purpose of my incarnation. How do I then do. Without self deception. So I know Im employing my self into this action because this is what I was meant to do. How do I know? I don’t have a label at the back of my head to know my purpose. Im here on an errand. I didn’t ask to come to the world. And I know death is close at hand to call me back. And I need to complete what I was sent for. Only I don’t know what. So my search is to find my purpose. The purpose of my coming to this world. Where do I begin?

Soul sculpture

So life can also be seen as though we are a particle of consciousness, still in the process of being perfected. And we get this body as a tool..and told..hey take this body and perfect the consciousness. Its interesting to see the body like that. As though the whole process of the spiritual success is to use the body that will purify this consciousness. And then the very act of purification changes the body itself and create the chalice into which finer energies can fill up and the action of the body then gets close and closer to sacred action or the will of the divine.

IN New York

In New York. Sipping Chai Tea Latte in Barnes and Nobles. yesterday, a whirlwind discussion with Linda. On packaging experience. a balance between spontaniety and order. new york.sipping tea. smell of the books. in the middle of a packaged experience of all the writers. New york. really makes me want to write a book. its flowing with an artsy energy which is waiting to gurgle into everyone and flush out a book..a film..art..any art..or an invention..anything that the aching heart can deliver without a C section.

smell the coffee

So begins another day. A few didn’t make it till morning. Of course, waking up is a curious phenomena. I seem to feel that we are always awake – but what we call waking up is really filling that awake space with our specific hard drive – with its pre set programs, memories, and virus. Instantly we have personalized this Universe when we wake up.
I wake up. I see the bright light, greens, a thought enters leading to a million others. Reality around me is quickly replaced. My eyes see but my mind does not. So it’s a strange seeing. Even what my eyes see is not fresh. Im not even sure if Im seeing the tree in front of me. Or is this an image that has been loaded into my brain – the image of a tree and I don’t see the tree in front of me. Is this the magic that the Impressionist painters discovered. Found a way in which they could fight back the inner images and capture a true seeing?
So what is reality – if everything is a personal interpretation? And who is experiencing the reality? Or is the experiencer the only reality? How do we go back to the experiencer? Where is the experiencer? Where did he come from ? When did he ( or I?) start experiencing? And what is experiencing for me? A sensation ? A feeling? An image? And why is there such an ache to find all this?

Is this the crushing pain that comes from realising that the reality on the basis of which we built a whole life is unreal? It’s a movie set l? Is it about freedom. Freedom from unreal? Freedom to know oneself and thereby live in dignity.

Interface with the illusion

There are moments when there is a clear sense of the separation from the "reality". Visual impressions seem to appear like projections in the inside of the head. Increaingly it appears that sensation is the key. Sensation without imagery. Imagery, it appears is the biggest villian and the biggest barrier to the understanding and "seeing". Consistent sensation seem to help to keep the images away - but it is so fascinating to see that without imagery the brain seem to have difficulty experiencing. Even in a massage, I see that the sensation of one's feet being massaged cannot be separated the image of the feet being massaged. Just experiencing the pure sensation of the massage seem so difficult. But once that barrier is crossed, sensation then opens up a new relationship to the reality around. The relationship with the body then becomes the sensation. I sometimes sense that this relationship with the body is really a small spot in the brain and the rest is made up of imagery.
Nisargadatta talks about a practice that we just have to belive that we are not the body. Gurdjieff says that we must use the imagination to intially practice that the reality is that I am. Stephen Jourdain says "The Central rivet of the hallucination is nothing other than the absolute belief in myself in the act of producing a thought of dreaming this or that. ….if people corrected the way they situate themselves they would eliminate 98% of their problems. Then they would be in the zenith of their dream and close to bursting it".
Then Dzogchen texts mentions - "But then, one might ask, how does samsara arise? How does one enter the dualistic vision that is the cause of transmigrations? If, at the moment the energy of the base manifests, one does not consider it something other oneself and one recognizes one's own state as the indivisibility of essence, nature and potentiallity of energy, the movement of energy self-liberates...understanding the essence that is the very nature of primordial enlightenment".

So it appears that the practice is to constantly plug into being in this space of sensation in the heart where one is constantly reiterating to oneself the "unreality" of things around us - visual, thoughts, emotions.

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire. This looks like a very fast centre. The sight of a woman, a pretty woman moves the “read-write” head of the brain to the sexual centre in the head and immediately releases a chemical that gives a sensation that is “agreeable”. I see sometimes that the stimuli is iconic. The shape of the woman, hair, even the voice automatically leads to this movement in the brain. Images from the brain stored from past memories, movies, and pictures are instantly fitted and the movement to the “happy centre of the brain” is made. This is so damn quick. It seems the hardwire is so strong.
Sometimes this is without stimuli. You wake up in the morning feeling this ache, this sensation. This appears to me as the ache of the soul wanting to know itself. When it is temporarily freed from the bedlam of noises or from the hammering of the self calming mechanisms we employ like smoking, drinking, movies, plays and so on that down its voice. So I wake up. And the ache is felt. The brain I have experienced immediately goes to the imagination centre and picks up a story, a face, a person to whom the attention is directed to and then a fantasy happens. Sometimes it leads to spent itself in sex or masturbation. Again this is so hard wired. I watch the brain quickly do this. It seems like a quick fix to get the ache to stop. I think each time there is an ache – do watch a movie, to have sex, to fall in love, it is the call. For me to respond to it as a responsible human being, I need to teach the brain to take the “read- write” head to the source of the ache. To put my ear close to that source and hear it. I cant be downing that noise with something louder. I need to be there. Stay with the ache. Not with commentary. Not with judgment. Just listen to it with my heart. Feel it. And try to understand its language. With complete attention.

Journey back to oneself - an actor remembers !

And so one embarks into this long journey. To find oneself. It’s a pretty hopeless start in the beginning. Especially when one begins at a point when one realizes that things one knew about oneself were not entirely true. Most of this was things people told us or what we believed without entirely verifying facts for ourselves. It sounds pretty strange. But I have a name. I have my parents. I have my memories. So what is this facts that I keep looking for? The startling realization that hits one that gets the journey started is the sense that one existed before one was born. Its bizarre. But it seems to be true. Its almost as though one discovers that one’s parents are not real ones. We have been adopted and we didn’t know it. And then one day someone tells us. And then the search begins for one’s origin. It’s a sense of completeness that one seeks for. Not that it negates the current “adopted parents” – they are as real. Yet one wants to know and meet one’s true parents. Same with identity. My identity as far as I remember comprises of my name, my parentage, then my memories, thoughts. Everything that I call and has a face, a visual reality. So when I realize that I existed even before all this, it means that my current face, this name, this parentage is only an external layer that covers something more real.
But it seems so difficult to comprehend this. So I try to understand this first with analogies. So the play analogy – Im an actor and I get so involved in my role that I forget who I was before I got on to the stage. Im in the stage. Now. I have another name, a character – into whose role I as an actor is performing with great élan on the stage. I have a family, a job, a wife, kids and I have ambitions, emotions, dreams and even memories. I have forgotten. Forgotten who I was before I got on to the stage. Mid-way through my performance I can remember something. Fleeting. That something’s not quite right here. Some faint memories. There is something uncomfortable. The scenario in the play does not give the sense of what I am or where I truly belong. I can sense that Im acting. There is something artificial here. But I don’t know what.
So Im in the middle of the play. And Im here on the stage. No clue as to where I can begin. I cant see the audience or the separation from me to the audience. If I could, then I would remember and take that leap from the stage to the audience. But right now im stuck in this situation where Im in the play and I not sure that Im this character in the play. But I don’t know where the audience is sitting. I don’t even know where to begin but I know if I find where the audience is then Ill remember by association. Ill remember how I reached here. Now that I remember that Im not quite the actor, my acting has been affected. When I remember Im someone else, Im “acting”. Othertimes, when I don’t remember Im a natural.
Now the play analogy is fine. But how do I know if this is for real. That Im not in play and that this is for real. My own sense is that it just happens. Like an old song that you suddenly remember. From nowhere.
So from where does the journey to remember begin? It appears to me that the first thing to do is to separate myself from the actor. Say physically first – do I walk, talk, behave like the actor? Suppose I suddenly stop doing this and act differently ? Say I smile when I have to cry or remain serious when there is something funny? Or the opposite of what the “actor” in me naturally does out of the conditioning of the role. Let me try that. When I try that, I am sure there is something that will happen. Don’t know what. Because when I stop acting as the actor, I will probably be able to experience what is it not being an actor. But I have to be cunning. And first find out what my “natural” reaction is to the situation and then act the opposite. I have to be fast or the actor will deceive me. My warning signal will be pain or discomfort. If Im acting in opposition to the “actors” reactions, then I will feel the discomfort, embarrassment, self consciousness even fear sometimes. So that becomes the first leg of the journey. That is the external layer of the journey. The biggest pitfall that would come in the way of smooth execution of this leg of the journey will be the constant internal commentary saying why this is such a stupid thing to do.
So what is the success criteria of this strategy of “stopping being the actor”? I think the success criteria would be the ability to remember to do this often enough and then experience fully in those moments what is it not to be the “actor”. It is possible that the audience may throw tomatoes – but that will only help more and maybe even point me to the direction from where they are throwing.
What are the other directions to the journey? Like the physical habits of the actor, the actor will have thinking habits and emotional habits. I think unlike the plan above where one acts different or opposite from the habitual physical reaction, it maybe difficult to do so with thoughts or emotions – say thinking opposite of what thought comes or feeling opposite of what comes. These come too fast and in the case of emotions I cant seem to “create” an opposite emotion inside. Cant create anger or happiness or sadness. So, in this leg of the journey, I will observe and register. Register what is the automatic thought reaction to a stimuli from the senses. Or in a situation. Similarly watch what emotions run inside the “actor”. As I observe, I hope to have a list of the actor’s emotions and thoughts. Im hoping that when I have the full data about the actor – his physical reactions, his thoughts and his emotions, I will truly remember who I was before I became the actor. Then maybe Ill go back to acting again – but then this time will always remember myself.

Active attention

Active attention. A constant awareness of what is happening inside and outside. Then desire comes. There is just a watching of the desire. with curiosity even. And watch. The desire comes and goes. Our awareness is like watching trains come and go in a railway station. Im not going into any of the trains. I just watch them as they come in and then watch as they go. This "watching" is more a sensation, a tugging. What is this sensation I wonder. And where is it happening? Inside the body or outside?

Durkhiem on Meditation

All genuine meditation consists of two stages. It begins with concentration,
by means of which we collect ourselves with the help of our will and direct
the power of the ego onto whatever may be the theme and purpose of the
practice of transformation. Concentration is achieved through the powers
of the ego which is able to grasp thoughts objectively, differentiate between
them and activate the will. Thus in concentration we come to a closer
understanding o the theme of the meditation. By means of this effort
we are able to recognize the faults in our physical posture and the disturbing
factors that are at work within us. In addition it can bring comprehension
and a clear perception of the object chosen for mediation, no matter
whether this be a picture, a work the following of the breath or
some other theme. The whole process takes place within the tension
of the subject and object. Without such concentrated preliminary
tension. Without the attention that collects the whole person – at the
same time focused within the self and turned towards the object – no
meditation is possible. None of the foregoing, however, is as yet
meditation.
Mediation does not truly begin until that which the ego had
seized upon in turn seizes the ego and by this movements changes
rational analysis into synthesis. By this means the quality of
consciousness is transformed from the masculine, active state
which is, as it were, a chalice that is capable of being filled, as
from an inner well-spring, without the active help of the ego. Thus
action is transformed into passion, and doing into being,

The word meditation comes from meditari which is a passive
form of the verb meaning ‘ “being moved to the center”,
rather than the active which is “moving to the center”. But this
centre is not a fixed point on which we concentrate as would on
an object. Rather, the contrary can be said – that is itself concentrate
s us by drawing us inwards and collecting us there. This centre is,
after all, our own essence – our transcendent core. Eventually,
with practice, the centre is experienced as a particular state in
which the antithesis of the subject and object is gradually dissolved.
When this occurs the meditator has the sensation of being centered.
And so, step by step, essential being awakes and becomes an inward
knowing that experiences itself as a personal life center anchored
in Great Life. This forms the basis of a new consciousness of the
world in which we sense ourselves as being reborn.




 

The hundreth Monkey.

The Japanese monkey, Macaca fuscata, had been observed
in the wild for a period of over 30 years.

In 1952, on the island of Koshima, scientists were providing
monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand.
The monkeys liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes,
but they found the dirt unpleasant.

An 18-month-old female named Imo found she could
solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby
stream. She taught this trick to her mother. Her
playmates also learned this new way and they taught
their mothers too.
This cultural innovation was gradually picked up by
various monkeys before the eyes of the scientists.
Between 1952 and 1958 all the young monkeys
learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to
make them more palatable.

Only the adults who imitated their children
learned this social improvement. Other adults
kept eating the dirty sweet potatoes.



Then something startling took place.
In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of
Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes -
- the exact number is not known.

Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning
there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had
learned to wash their sweet potatoes.

Let's further suppose that later that morning,
the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes.

THEN IT HAPPENED!



By that evening almost everyone in the
tribe was washing sweet potatoes before
eating them.

The added energy of this hundredth monkey
somehow created an ideological breakthrough!

But notice.



A most surprising thing observed by
these scientists was that the habit of
washing sweet potatoes then jumped over the sea --

Colonies of monkeys on other islands and the
mainland troop of monkeys at Takasakiyama
began washing their sweet potatoes.
Thus, when a certain critical number
achieves an awareness, this new awareness
may be communicated from mind to mind.

Although the exact number may vary,
this Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon
means that when only a limited number
of people know of a new way, it may
remain the conscious property of these people.

But there is a point at which if only one more
person tunes-in to a new awareness, a field
is strengthened so that this awareness
is picked up by almost everyone!

Now lets marry this thought with the concept by Rupert
Sheldrake who mentions that the seat of thought
IS OUTSIDE THE BODY.

Does this mean that each of the hundred monkeys
added to this "pool of thought" and after a critical
mass, the pool of thought linked to the
common pool of thought of all the species of monkey?
As though the control centre of the monkeys really
not each indidivual monkey brain but out
somewhere.

What does that mean to us humans? Question of
where does a thought come from ? Is it from
inside the brain or somewhere outside?

What is the intelligence of that thought pool.
How does it decide which thought to send.
SOmetimes its easy, thoughts come from  associations.
But some come completely from the blue.
Even the first thought when we wake up.

Since thought leads to action, and action to destiny,
is getting to the source of this thought pool
the end of destiny ?
Or that is the beginning of a new destiny,
this time driven by Right action.
 

Right Action

What is right action ? In a manner of speaking what is the right action 
that the Universe wanted 
to be done through me ? Is this inquiry about therefore finding out 
the motivates behind my action?
It appears so because Ravi-ji says that an action externally can be 
the same yet its the motive
 behind those action that
truly determines if the action was SACRED ACTION.
In the Gita, the setting is even more dramatic - what can be a 
bigger question to be answered 
when you are facing your teachers and your cousins in a
 battlefield - what is the right action ?

Raviji mentions the distinction between force and violence. 
So Arjuns action can externally be
killing - yet what can be the motive that can make this a 
sacred act? Is this the dharma of a 
warrior who does not sit on judgement ? 

How does one then know what the right action is ?
 How do we know if the motivation is coming 
from the small source of the ego - from its fears 
or self importance? 

Ravi ji says We are all a mixed bag. So it is possible that 
we NOT ALWAYS will do the 
right action 
but by doing a actions and then watching our motivations
 maybe immediately afterwards or
maybe even later. And then as we watch we slowly get
 a sense of the right actions..
This is a great breakthrough because then we get a little
freedom and little space to manoeuvre.

My own feeling is that for most actions we take, we kinda 
know what the true motive is 
and what the right action is. This i guess is what they mean
by purification of our motives.

Ravi uses this amazing phrase "I wishes" as though this
wish is coming from a level that
is higher not " I wish" from my smaller self.

The walk with Ravi at the Theosophy

Feb 2nd was magical. Here I was, walking with Ravi ji on the shores of the ocean outside the 
theosphical society at Adyar. And Ravi-ji mentions to me that 20 years ago, Krishnamurthy and he walked the same route. It was an overwhelming moment and that short walk across the beach, over the bridge and to the end of the bridge. Raviji points to a section of the bridge, just ahead, a section that is just widened and says " the last time I was with him, just a year before his death, he stopped that spot and then bowed in all four directions." that I thot was a poignant moment.  

Tales stranger that fiction

Durckheim. What can I say. So many subtle insights.  magnificient when he talks about 
search not being finding a place where phew! finally ! there is eternal rest. He talks about
search not being something that you use to "calm" yourself.
So the search is to find an inner space using which we can dive into life. Experience the pain and the joys in a manner that is free from fear, anxiety and all the other emotions that we want to avoid. This means freedom from the grasp of the artificial personality, that's grasping hard to maintain itself intact by making you avoid all the unpleasantness. And as you have the courage to experience that by opening to all the things we have been trying to avoid all the time, its not as disastrous as we thought..in fact the very opposite of having a sense of freedom..from one more shakle that limited us. its the courage to then use the experience of this freedom to take more steps till one realises the "fictionality" of the ego. THis then allows us to truly align to what the Universe got us into the universe in the first place. Our job as human beings actually only begins then. It must be a great moment to experience in a true sense the discovery of the fictionality of the ego. And it amazes me that as i write this, I still cannot see the fictionality of the ego. There is an image
and a personality that is writing this. Still caught in the personality. While knowing that true action is that which is aligned to the will of the universe, continues action that comes from a small source like the ego. Still knowing that the voice from inside can be heard if one listens quietly and without movement, continues to hear bedlam from the personality and acts on it. Such is the human tragedy. We continue operating this body and in the universe, without knowing a thing about this machine or about ourselves. Like idiots. Maybe this is what they should have taught us in school?

Mix n Match

The mix. That's what this looks like. Apparently we are only pure awareness. Somewhere along the way the pure awareness gets mixed up with the body. Now the awareness cannot un-engtangle itself from the body. And then lives the life of the body- with its pain and its limitation. Builds an innner image based on the body and converts its, as is said infinite existence, to a finite existence. For me personally, the biggest issue with this mix-up is death. The finite self, the body and the mind which is the product of the body is made of food and of the planetary elements and have to die. The pure awareness does not die - so, we, the pure awareness supposedly immortal, losing sleep over death! So how do we un-entangle ?
The Masters talk about going back from where we came. Nisarga talks about "birth" - what is being born mean? is it the day we got identified with the body ..somewhere in our childhood? were we pure awareness before that? say when we were born..just existing ? so how can we exist ..now ? Maybe witnessing ..because witnessing allows for separation. It seems witnessing is the key - but remembering to witness and having the strength to witness and not react is a challenge. This would mean buidling an energy pool - so that whole sadhana is about building that energy pool that allows witnessing and then slowly the un-enganglement.
There is still the question of who is doing all this...and therefore is there need for effort or will it happen all by itself..when the time is right..now, I wonder if that is a real question. If one is not satisfied with life and its see saw of joy and sorrow..or even the concept of death..then it doesnt matter ..a way has to be found out of this.

Stephen Jourdain

Some incredible exerpts of Stephen Jourdain's conversation with Gilles Farcet



SJ


All that is a dream! Every instant, everything we designate outside our consciousness that appears real to us, endowed with a reality that’s autonomous and exteriour to our own consciousness, everything we perceive outside outside though the window of our thought all that is hallucinatory. This hasn’t one atom of reality. It’s a purely imaginary phenomenon. They’re subjective effects that your sleeping consciousness surreptiously turns into a reality that’s autonomous and separate reality from you. That’s the nature of the hallucination. To sense your past, the past in general or the future or Paris or the cosmos as something real as realities separate from you is to hallucinate like a madman who walks down the street talking to a phantom interlocutor. This fellow has lost his marbles because he has turned a purely subjective and unreal effect into objective reality. All this should show you the extent of what must be eradicated. All this also shows you the immensity of what must be put back into the heart of consciousness to be dissolved there.

Once this enormous conversion takes place theres nothing wrong with jiggling a marionette and playing. But one must absolutely perceive that my future, my death, me producing the thoughts im in the process of producing etc are nothing but marionettes jiggled by the mind by virtue of a horrible spiritual sickness that pounced on me a billion years ago; my soul no longer feels its own fingers jiggle the marionette and treats it like a stranger.Thus, you must deny the undeniability everywhere it rages that is to say, the totality of your preceeptions.


SJ

The destruction to be accomplished is phenomenal. One cannot attack the dream in fragments. When one wakes in the morning the dream disappears all at once. Thus it is necessary to annihilate everything to pierce all eyes of thought in discovering at the same time that one has never seen with any other eye than the eye of the thought. That, therefore, is the work I would demand you do and its imperative you do well. For either this work is accomplished and you become who you are – your own truth, the infinite value in the heart that was once called God.


SJ

The universe is nothing but a bubble that my soul is blowing. Thus its necessary to blow the bubble. The life of the person caught up in the state of ordinary consciousness unravels at the centre of the subjective bubble he never ceases to blow above his head, a forgery of the universe that includes the thinking subject. He evolves in the interior of the thought of the self. When things click, this bubble bursts like a soap bubble. In reality the uusual state of consciousness has no solidity and can burst any moment.


SJ


In order to reabsorb the hallucination, bringing back what is only thought to the source of thought in such a way that it appears in its true mental nature, that is to say as nothingness, a first method would consist of making an attack at the very heart of the dream. The Central rivet of the hallucination is nothing other than the absolute belief in myself in the act of producing a thought of dreaming this or that. ….if people corrected the way they situate themselves they would eliminate 98% of their problems. Then they would be in the zenith of their dream and close to bursting it.


SJ

The sun of awakening that rose for the adolescent Jourdain has since continued its course and modified its glow. After forty years, I no longer have a body. By that I mean I am no longer situated in the body. Evidently, if someone mentions my foot, Im not going to confuse it with the table! But my body, as an experience no longer exists; the fundamental modification has taken place. Its accompanied moreover by a modification of spatial perception. In the same manner, I no longer have a spirit. It has been a good thirty years since “my spirit” in the usual sense of the term totally disappeared. And about a year ago, I said to myself, “ Shit, I no longer have a spirit, no longer have a body. How in the hell will I be able toe explain all that to someone who has a spirit and a body and who to boot snoozes? Ive got to remember what its like to have a spirit and a body. Thus, I made a great effort, all alone in the kitchen, and suddenly remembered – once again I found myself incorporated, I became once again a spirit in a body. That only lasted a few seconds but I almost croaked !
 

Mid Leap

It’s a difficult choice. It appears that one needs to maintain consistent efforts – neither too much or too less. Then the waiting. Conscious waiting seems impossible. When one is conscious there seems to be an urge to always try something - be in sensing the body or watching the breath. Then how do we allow the other energies to participate and even enter if we are so engaged in "doing" . My own fantasy is that effort continues and when the energy is all spent, awarenss vanishes and deep sleep takes over. In a way, that sleep allows no resistance and thereby allow higher energies to come and visit. And maybe unexpectedly a deep insight will arise. Like cultivating the field and then waiting for the rains and the rain god to arrive. I sometimes feel that even the trying and the Working is not something that I do – its been done thru me. It’s the wanting to have a quick closure or the frustration on not reaching that space that comes from a lower part around my presenses. That needs vigilance. And see what is in me that wants a quick closure. Or a wanting a permanence.

Sometimes when one is on the verge of an insight there is a sense of even impending disaapointment - as though if the search is over there is no longer any more meaning in life. It is indeed frustrating to be mid stream - the bank left behind does not appeal and the bank ahead is only faintly visible.



 

Place of I

So many unknowns. So many mysteries. Reading Stephen jourdain’s experience clearly shows that the source is the reality. Everything – the body, the thoughts this universe all emerge from this source. Its as though an instant second creation happen and abrograted the true original creation. Stephen says and it sounds so true..humans are like vegetation. Like grass and trees.
It appears that the truth cannot be known unless the “I’ is placed outside of one;s current identity. Only then a taste of the truth can be experienced. This is what probably Nisarga data maharaj says – just keep dwelling in the I AM.
He says such beautiful things about memory and time. My memory of the past is NOW. My memory of the future is NOW

Happy Birthday

Nisarga Datta says What is Born is either aware or asleep or awake. So what is born? Its such an amazing question. What is Born? Something limited out of an unlimited? Is being born being identified with this body and limit myself to this confines? So being born becomes the day I start identifying with the body? The baby on birth is not identified with the body. It continues to exist as a wide expanse. Then its conditioned to beleive - or in a way we stuff a baby into a body. And an immortal being is bestowed with mortality !! So is REMEMBERING ONESELF all about remembering how it was when one was born? before this whole identification happened? and then get the whole flood of experience to remain in that state for eternity?

Chimera...

The last couple of days have been days of healing. Here I was lamenting on my distance..such a vast distance from the Divine..or the so called Objective understanding of the universe..and at some point in time even questioning my need for closure of this search..(where is this need coming from in the brain? is it the rational centre that needs closure..can there be completeness without closure..?). And then i read Keats and Wordsworth..after so many years..actually first time in the mind numbing school where the poetry was taught in a manner so brutual..and then in college..
and these poets seem to have gone through the same pain im going thrru right now..this pain of being touched by something and then losing it..

(Excerpts from Ode to a nightingale)..keats

“ ..Thou was not born for Death, immortal Bird
No hungry generations tread thee down
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad hear of Ruth, when sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn…
……Adieu! Adieu! Thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still streams
Up the hillside; and now ‘tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music:- Do I wake or sleep?


Ode on a Grecian Urn

Thou unravish’d bride of quietness
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme
What lea-fring’d legend haunts about thy shape
Of Dieties or mortals or of both
In Tempe or the dales or Arcady
What men or gods are these ?What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit?what struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstacy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter;therefore, ye soft pipes, play on:
Not to the sensual ear, but more endear’d
…..
With forest branches and trodden weed
Thou silent form dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: cold Pastoral
When old age shall this generation waste
Thou shalt remain in the midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to who thou say’st
“Beauty is truth, truth beauty”, - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.



From Prelude : WordsWorth

“….ye presences of Nature in the sky
And on the earth! Ye visions of the hills!
And Souls of lonely places! Can I think
A vulgar hopes of yours when ye employed
Such ministry, when ye through many a year
Haunting me thus among my boyish sports,
On caves and trees, upon wood and hills,
Impressed upon all forms the characters
Of danger or desire; and does did make
The surface of the universal earth
With triumph and delight, with hope and fear..”

Danse cerebre

I am sitting at the poolside of Tanglin club. A colonial slice in the middle of the bustling and exploding Singapore. There almost seem to be an immediate relief from the outside. The severity of the precision in Singapore – the way the traffic moves, the very precise way of people walking, even the trees look so precise the way they stand and the way they are shaped. A complete lack of spontaneity. Monastic. And with all these precision and symmetry there is no beauty. What is missing is movement. Beauty comes in movement. Precison is death. Its frozen. There is no place for anyone else. There are no surprises. There is no flowering. The club is a worm hole in the space-time continuum. You go back to a time where there was neither a rush nor a need for precision. A time of repose and watch the clouds pass by. There is order without precision. There is time for a dance. Like dance with its steps yet all the room in the world for a personal expression.

Sex Machine

So what is sexuality..what is the feeling..? where does it pop up from when you see a hot body floating past? where does it pop up from in the middle of the night or in the middle of a meeting?
Does the eye pick up an object and switch on a gear inside that starts off the whole process of desire..then aquisition and then quenching the desire..and then the desire just vanishes! pop! and then even when the hot body makes its mandatory and (relentless?) appearance there is no desire..no feeling..
it probably means that the simuli that comes from the eye ..needs some kind of an accumulated fuel to burn..it seems that once the desire is quenched the fuel is burnt and therefore nothing for Round2 till there is an accumulation of the fuel. It feels so silly looking at the whole thing like a machinery.takes the romance out of my passion..! but then in Mid Summer Shakespeare very nicely brings about the absurdity of the emotion of love..it doesnt really matter if the object of your passion is a donkey..its the chemicals inside that really cause all that passion..
The human machine seems to love repeating moments of pleasure..the burning of the fuel brings in the pleasure and therfore the pattern is set..
So the question is - DO I burn this fuel quenching the neeeds of the body..? what if i dont burn this at all?? what happens to the fuel? will it get burnt elsewhere? say imagination? or anger..??
its so frustrating not to know the workings of this body..! isnt there a manual somewhere..then..when the hotbody comes..the desire is quenched ..but the fuel is intact.. perpetual motion between celibacy and consummation.

Trishanku...reality sandwitch.

Before i really start let me ay homage to the food gods for a fantastic dinner at Lara Djong Grand in Jakarta. Two divine places in Jakarta - Oasis and now Lara DjongGrand. Thanks to Buddha for being in the restuarent and starting vacantly as I ate. Also a nice reminder of the real distance between us. He with nirvana..me half way between hapiness and nirvana. This probably is the worst place to be. When One is firmly planted on the ground. It really dosent matter. When one is in Nirvana it really effin doesnt matter. And when ur in the middle...your ground below is as far away as the sky above.
I have learnt not to reach up any more. i guess if its important for the universe, nirvana will probably happen anyways. If it doesnt i guess too bad for the universe. Maybe at best I will stare at death in the eye and not just go out kicking and screaming. But the sight from here is not pretty:
The mind-body seems to be some kind of a processing unit where various energies enter for some proocesses. Some energies enter thru the senses ..esp the eyes..and some enter thru the head..and they just battle it. I sometimes watch the battle from a distance..whatever the processes and all that pain and sensations. For some reasons even though I watch at a distance I hurt too...and i will continue to hurt till or if..."the energy level changes and I go so far away that finally the battle doesnt touch me"..I wonder if this "search" is some kind of a bondage..where the search keeps u in perpetual bondage of sadhana..Work..or whatever...beg plead..besech the universe to spot me..and grant me grace..the grace of eternal distance from the battles..grace of immortality..
its not in my hands..all i have to do is wait..and hope i get the pick of the draw..the awarness comes and goes..of its own voilition...i have no say in the matter..and so does my going to sleep happens..all on its own..i wonder what the hell is my role in all this..wonder why I am? is universe short of witnesses that they need people to just "witness"???
So when I am up in the morning..and my body is burning with a hunger for a touch of feminine energy, this awareness comes up that this feeling is because my energy levels have "docked" in a part of the brain that activates the sexual centres and will seek release from there. So then its got to be undocked and "channeled" into this "bank" of awareness that will in future tell me that when im horny next that I need to undock it and channel it to bank of awareness that...
What happened to the good old wank?? what happened to just seducing or being seduced and just let the kink take over?
So while i sometimes think im not the body..or sometimes I think fuck man..i am not supposed to be the body..im supposed to be this being-awareness..and with the knowledge that im not this who im supposed to be and i dont know whaT im all about..i continue to exist..like a man who's lost his name and woke up in a strange country

Shadow of doubt

SO the day goes on..trying to pull myself back..in that wonderful state where clearly the experience of pure being awareness pervades..the assumption that that im am the body is now demolished because of what Ravi said " Your shadow is following you..so are u the shadow"? Now that means this body is only a shadow following pure awareness..

Now realise so clearly Ramana Maharishi's relentless question of going to the source of the "I" - it is to show the fiction of the assumption being made that "I am the body.."
why did that assumption come? where did it come from ? was it suggested? When the birth happened, the pure awareness must have prevailed..and then firtly a name was given..and that must have immediately limited the awareness..what if we did not have a name atall?

how is the being awareness at the time of birth to be retailned? what goes wrong..? is it possible to find a way to save our babies..or do all of them get banished from the Garden of Eden..each moment there is someone banished from the garden of eden..

Sacred position of the Awareness

FUndemental shift in today’s sitting with Ravi. Ravi mentioned remarking about someone’s sharing “ Subtle energies are always trying to reach us. When, due to the right conditions the energies enter, we say WE have had a wonderful experience. WE seem to have ursurped and owned up that experience.
Then he said “breathe in the air from the atmosphere”

These two sentences shifted something for me. Firstly I suddenly realized the mechanical ness of “I” and saw the CD changer pick up the “I” CD to load it. I now knew I can watch and fight this. For 2006, this then will be my prime exercise. To watch when I takes ownership. Even the language would change. It would have to be without the “I” as though a phenomena is happening. Like instead of “I” have an idea – it becomes “ an idea is happening “.

The second significant experience has been the who is breathing..and when “I” is not existing, then “I” cannot be breathing. Suddenly now the atmosphere has become a living organism for me and this Awareness is a link between the Organism – Harish and the atmosphere that is providing the sustenance of air – and my responsibility is now to ensure that this organism is nourished and taken care of. And then like Harish, all organisms now become the responsibility of this Awareness. Its like watering a plant. For a long time I thought I was the plant. Now I know im the gardener and its my job to bring the water from wherever it is and water the plant daily. And then take care of other plants so as to ensure that there is all round flourishing.

The “I am” breathing will have to change to “Am” breathing.
( TO copy in the Diary too)

Where am I?

Dec 27th was interesting. Had a first experience of not being the body..sitting in the auto at the signal intersection of airport road and the richmond road. And then the couple of days later the very core issue of questioning something that I have taken for granted..and so here goees..

So what is the basis of my assumption that i am the body? Someone would have told me that when I was a baby..and accepted this as gospel. And now what is the basis now that im grown up? For one, "I" seem to be going everywhere where my body is going. So its logical that me and the body is the same thing..but then if i can see the body separate from "I" I cant possibly be the body. During those fleeting experiences i realised that the "I" has only learnt to express itself in this body. Till it learns to express itself in other bodies..other organic life..like trees..i will have a situation where "I" = body. But what happens when i shut my eyes..then there is no body..no trees..no nothing.. I am..but where the hell am i? I try looking to estimate where im located. Have not found myself in the body..at best its a feeling in the heart..but the big question is ..if im not in the body..where am i? Am i located somewhere else..? in the sky? how do i find out where am i located? CUrrent strategy im kind of adopting is to fool the mind ..to make it think as if im back to where i was when i was a baby..and no one has yet told me that im the body. when means..just keep the feeling of "I am" all the time..refuse any impression that gets me back to identify with the body..and hopefully some door will open..and doing the sadhanas twice a day to create sufficient energy to power this ...i think we all deserve to live a better life and we dont have to have divine origins to reach out and get it..like Buddha..regular dude..who went out and cracked it..and insisted on telling everybody that he was a normal guy who went after this. He is the real inspiration man..Buddha really really rock

race of life

Mrityorma..amritam gamaya..oh mother..give me liberation from death. Liberation from death meaning death of the physical body ..is that the end of it all? Smart boys and girls from the past seem to have figured the way to create this body..so what is the technique.
It needs to be built brick by brick it appears. Create an energy reservoir, Generate energy thru food, meditation..and breathing teqniques and then save the damn thing instead of leaking it in stress, thought loops and babes. Soon the subtlest elements from our food start buidling the "immortal body" ..and soon..one can start sensing the body..till one great day..under the golden skyscrappers ..the space ship is ready..that moment, the connection with the physical body is superflous. One's vantage point of presence has shifted from one's body to this "other bodY" - the physical body dies..but voila..the other body continues to experience life..so the race is this..create the "other body" before the "physical body" breaks down..

state of mind tracking Monday morning pre 8:52 am

Mind serene. I can see thoughts coming but not touching me. I know its chemical. But there is bliss. Present moment always. With my connectedness.

part 2 at office. Will take stock if I can maintain the connection.

Street walking

Streets are the soul of any city. Walking on the streets of Calcutta for eg. Is like losing yourself in your old family album discovered quite accidentally from the attic. Your walk is not just slow and leisurely, you actually stop at points, savouring the sepia tones of the city, its crowds only part of the group photo, its dust only the dust flying off the album. That is the soul of the city. It is in a time wrap – in its most romantic sense. Its not stopped or decaying. It is just continuing to move within the same dimension – like listening to an old song that you don’t mind listening again and again. And then suddenly a gem from the past, a sight of an old book long forgotten, and the warm glow in your heart – when the ripe bossoms of nostalgia crush themselves over your chest. Walking in Paris is a lot like walking in Calcutta. There is the essential past that really is playing in front of you with the patina of the present almost there to ridicule itself. Walking in paris or watching the city pass in front of you as you sip your café au lait you see how Calcutta and Paris share the same soul. I think its really the sensuality of the energy of both cities. The sensuality that expresses itself in Paris in its art, cinema and the soft flicks of the cusine on your tongue. In Calcutta, its in the languid strain of its Rabindra sangeet, the passion of the bargaining in the fish market and the sudden rush of your lover’s sweet saliva as you bit into a rasgulla. HongKong is slow and languid.l You could call it Calutta. But Hongkong has no passion. The Streets are full of people. No one’s in a hurry. But there is a blandness to the walking. The neons flashing and the plasmas screaming don’t help. All the props seem helpless against the quiet mass of sleepy people that throng the streets. Its frustrating. Why is this city so expressionless? Is this a curse by some dragon princess? Or has the coldness of the skyscrapers in glass and steel seeped deep into bones turning their blood into mineral water and emotions into diet passion? Washington DC and New Delhi, as slow but with a difference. You cant miss the cold power in the under currents. Here’s a slowness of secure power. Like a quiet purr of a Jaguar. People as warm as cadavers greeting you with the temperature of a morgue and social behavior as efficient as a philharmonic. Even sex would be as per position # 23 of the Manual. In Hong Kong, it would be position #23 too, but there would be people assisting. New York and Bombay are pure sex. The energy hits you as you embrace into the city. There is an unexpectedness in New York and Bombay. No rules. And the promise of some adventure that gets your heart thudding. Its just the way you walk on the street. Fast. Very fast. And its not laboured. Its just the sheer excitement – a mix of taboo, a large dash of power, and the sheer freedom of anonymity that New York and Bombay gives you. You can just be your self. These cities don’t judge. They don’t even care you exist. Yet you know that your heartbeat has added to the city’s heartbeat. Your are part of it yet its not imposed on you. The city wraps itself around you, so you and the city have both an independent and a combined persona. Unlike the langorous sensuality of Cal and Paris where there is a suspended desire at the hem of each skirt or the sari pallu, in New York its very vocal. No stolen kisses or a careless caress of the breast tip here – its like mouth jabbing kisses and crotch grinding, frantic and instant gratification – like a pit stop in an F1.

Automatic for the people

How do i fight my passivity? This completely pre programmed responses-that this machine seem to be giving. Cruel word responded with cruel words. Kind words likewise. Pretty face and want to possess. Hint of a breast and ready to mate. All the buttons of this machine is in everybody else's hand. How do i disable the buttons. Make a fresh response. Each time. Become human. Again.

apple of my I

How do I therefore unlock myself and get free? There is the half eaten apple of desire. There is our past, like a clock ticking in the heart. Key is out there somewhere but cant find it..slender threads link us to the mother tree.. i need help to find the key...even tho the door may be open..

Anniversary

Happy anniversary to the blog for surviving a year !

body shop

hmm..it appears that we have bin fooling ourselves for a long time. firstly it appears that "we are the body" seems to be just a notion.. its only in our minds..someone i guess decided to put it in our heads...seems like a massive virus attack on civilisation..the Great Forgetting :-) maybe this is what the bible talked about Adam and Eve..needed to chekc out their vacation in the Garden prematurely! so if we are not the body..and we actually experience it..then i guess it is immortality...wow...so that's really what immortality all about..consciousness without the body..

so the eternal question of what am i doing in the world..what is my purpose..what is my destiny..all therefore goes gracefully out of the window...for the cause and effect seems to be a problem with the mind..and without body..no-mind..please dont mind.. and so we just are...! purposeless..?? kind of deflating i must say..considering my world domination ambitions..or the thrill of cracking a deal..means nothing in the cosmos..even less significant than a fart of an old star..then why do i get horny?

more later...

Bhagvad Gita for Dummies

The Gita has two streams of thought flowing - an ethical stream and a metaphysical stream-dealing respectively with what man ought to do and what God is.

Work Alone are thou entitled to and not its fruit. So never work for fruit nor yet desist from work.

A man of even mind puts away here both good and evil. Therefore strive for Yoga. Yoga is skill in action.

No man can be ever free from a life of action by merely avoiding active work. and no man can ever reach perfection through mere renunciation.

This world is fettered by work, UNLESS it is done as a sacrifice. Therefore, O son of Kunti give up your attachments and do thy work as a SACRIFICE.

Therefore always without attachment do the work thou hast to do for a man who does his work without attachment wins the SUPREME.

There is nothing in the three Worlds O Partha for me to achieve nor is there anything to gain that I have not gained. Yet I continue to work - for if I did not continue to work unwearied men all round the world would follow my path. If I should cease to work, these worlds would perish and I should cause confusion and destroy these people.

Better is one's duty though imperfectly done than the duty of another, well done

The works of a man whose attachments are gone, who is free and whose mind is well established in knowledge melt away entirely being done as a sacrifice.

THere is nothing whatever that is higher than what I am O Dhananjaya ; all this is strung on me as rows of Gems on a string ( a central consciousness pervading all things)

Goodness binds one to hapiness. Passion binds one to action and dullness veiling knowledge binds one to negligence.

There are three gateways of this HELL leading to the ruin of the soul - LUST, WRATH and GREED. Therefore let man renounce all three.

Penances - The Worship of the Gods, of teachers and of the wise, purity, uprightness, abstinence and non-violence - these are said to be penances of the BODY

The utterance of words which do not give offense and which are truthful, pleasant and beneficial, and the regular recitation of the Vedas - these are said to be penance of speech.

The serenity of the mind, beneficience, silence, self control and purity of the heart - these are said to be penances of the mind.

These three fold penances practised with perfect faith by men of balanced mind without desire for gain is said to be a "good disposition"

....for sacrifice, gifts and penances purify the wise. Even these works should be however done with surrender of attachment and of fruits. This O Partha is my decided and final view.

But renunciation of any duty that ought to be done is not right.

The wise man of renunciation, who is imbued with goodness and whose doubts are dispelled never hates a duty that is unpleasant.

The steadiness by which one never fails in concentration and by which one controls the activities of the mind, the life breaths and of the senses - that O partha is of the nature of goodness.

Search Diary Aug 22nd

This week went by again without any progress. Be it breath awareness or relaxing the body's tiny and small tensions. I hope this week will prove better. I must place an awareness chant and monitor it on the following :
-breath
-speech
-body awareness

God give me strenght please. Also the new diet that I am doing should clean me up. I am so convinced that there is a divine hand in my diet.
Great quote from RigVeda " Desire was the first seed of the mind"

Ramana Maharshi....

How to get rid of fear?
All fear is nothing more than thoughts. If there is only ONE then there cannot be a second.

Quote from Ramakrishan....
"god can be realised ...but who takes the trouble to do so? People will shed tears for wife, children, or possessions..but who will weep for the love of god?"

Present moment

This is the present moment. As I type. The sound of the keyboard, the sight of the letters being born on the screen, the sound of the car that is passing by, the touch of the plastic on the tips of my fingers. This is the truth because the mind is dead right now. Only my senses are alive. This moment is eternity. Right now, I have exercised by evolutionary right of being aware that I am aware. Soon i will lapse into being an animal - doing things quite unaware and mechanically.

I wonder if i keep on typing like this will this keep me engaged in the present moment forever. Is this why they say physical work and strain are an important part of the spiritual search because doing physical things with awareness seems far easier than doing mental things like meditation with awarenes..

the world is so full right now with noises and light. the moment is beautiful. it is real and there are no opinions. there is not even me.

reality bites

The senses dont make any sense any more. The World is a projection inside my head. Like the kernel of a coconut. Or being in the centre of the universe till the lights of the planetarium comes on. So what does the real world look like? Beyond the senses. Shut your eyes. Close ur ears. Clamp the nose. What then is left? The mind - that is the combination of all the senses that sucks you to its world. Shut the mind too. What remains? Silence. Now is there something beyond silence? How long should the silence be till the door opens? The mind stands between me and the door. Its chattering creases the silence and hides the door. Silence. It is the key.